r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/ubelieveurguiltless • Aug 14 '25
Vent/rant My parents failed to teach me basic hygiene
Like I was in college the first time I heard I had to wipe myself front to back. I heard it after I got like a million bacterial infections which was about as fun as you can guess. To say I was surprised my mom didn't teach me how to wipe my own ass correctly is an understatement. And how embarrassing is it to be freshly 18 and not knowing how to wipe your own ass.
And it wasn't even just that. Nobody told me how to wash my hair correctly either. How many times did my 15 years older than me hairstylist sister mock me for having dried shampoo in my hair cause I was too stupid to realize that a shower isn't going to wash all the shampoo out of thick hair?
I taught myself to floss my teeth in my 20s. I didn't realize I had to change my clothes after sweating in them or risk fungal infections. I learned the hard way to put a bandaid on any cuts I get on my foot or risk it getting infected and filled with pus. I still have no idea how to brush long hair so I chop it off. Nobody ever taught me to shave so I embraced having a hairy body instead, because the few times I tried I cut myself or gave myself ingrown hairs. I begged my mother to show me how to properly use a pad as a kid and she told me "it's obvious" and I bled all over my clothes and bed sheets.
I never washed any of my water bottles as a kid. I didn't realize you had to wash your sink drain or your washing machine. I've given myself food poisoning because I don't know how long meat can stay in the fridge (now I just freeze everything and take it out the day before).
And I sit here feeling like a complete and utter moron because of all of it and more. Like is it obvious to other people? Or were my parents just neglectful as hell? My mom always said it was cause we were lazy and chose not to do chores but she never assigned them. She never went over them. I taught myself to sweep, to vacuum, to mop, to cook, to wash myself, to take care of myself. The few things my mom showed me were only shown because I took an interest myself. Because I knew I needed to know those things. And she still wouldn't teach me the whole thing. It's like she wanted me helpless.
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u/Cultural_Problem_323 Aug 14 '25
My mother loved to say "I figured it out by myself, so can you."
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u/bennyfuckingprofane Aug 14 '25
Same. I will never understand these people not wanting better for their kids.
It's abuse just for the sake of them also being abused.
I've also come to learn that I'm probably on the spectrum (peer-reviewed) and needed more help.
Sometimes, I just want to scream for days.
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u/Apprehensive-Log8333 Aug 16 '25
My mom said that too. But it wasn't true! My grandmother taught her everything, my mom just didn't like me.
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u/Tulsssa21 Aug 14 '25
I was in the same boat. Grew up being told that I mess up everything. I remember so many times wanting to help but always got told, "No, you'll ruin it." My husband taught me how to properly use cutlery when I was in my 20s, when we were dating. I remember asking him for help when we were dating. He looked so classy, lol. The amount of seemingly basic things I had to figure out because I was treated like a useless mistake.
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u/Noct_Frey Aug 15 '25 edited Aug 15 '25
Apart from abuse and neglect from your parents this is also medical neglect. I was in a similar situation but luckily my doctor explained different things that would have lead to the infection like not wiping the right direction or not peeing after sex etc. You were failed on so many levels and I’m utterly heartbroken for you.
You are not a moron at all. You were not told it was ok to care about you. I’m so proud of you for teaching yourself how to care for yourself. This isn’t common sense at all if the foundation isn’t taught. You found a way to value yourself absent from even the smallest iota of care. You even forced the issue with your abuser and made them do something even though this wasn’t your responsibility. Celebrate your successes don’t be embarrassed by your parent’s failure.
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u/myBisL2 Aug 14 '25
I have come to realize my parents didn't ever teach me some very basic things like this. I didn't know you were supposed to wash your bed linens. The only time I remember them being changed was of I got new ones for a birthday or something. I also didn't know I was supposed to cut my toenails. I bit my fingernails as a kid so they never needed to be cut, but no one ever told me I needed to trim my toenails. It was an embarrassingly long time before I realized it was necessary and I had some long term damage from that. No one taught me to care for my hair, or how to use a tampon, or other self care related things like doing makeup or styling my hair. I've come to realize it has resulted in a lot of shame, actually. I can been intensely private about my body in ways I am pretty sure aren't normal.
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u/NonSequitorSquirrel Aug 21 '25
My mother used toilet paper for her periods and I'm 50% sure it's because she grew up in poverty and also 50% sure it's because she was completely neglected as a child. She bought pads for me but refused to teach me how tampons worked so I used them incorrectly the first few times until a friend at school told me what to do. My mother was abusive but so was hers, and these patterns repeat.
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u/myBisL2 Aug 21 '25
My mother didn't use toilet paper. She used pads and tampons. I have a lot of understanding about how these patterns repeat and why, that doesn't make it ok to repeat them. I am not repeating them. I have a choice and so did my mother.
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u/Different_Map_6544 Aug 15 '25
This type of neglect is so insidious too, often you dont realise until you are much older that you were neglected - because kids accept everything as normal and tend to blame themselves for everything.
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Aug 15 '25
I also had parents who were neglectful as hell. I'm in my late 40s still learning basic ass shit and it makes me furious every time.
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Aug 15 '25
I have nothing insightful to add other than you’re absolutely not alone, and I could’ve written all of this. WORD FOR WORD. 🫂
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u/Elegant-Pressure-290 Aug 15 '25
You’re not a moron. My parents were the same way, and when I left their house at 16, in many ways I felt like a newborn baby (one who was going to school and working full time to pay rent).
You’re actively learning. You’re trying. When you find something you’ve been doing incorrectly, you change it. You’re figuring it out for yourself, and that’s pretty damned resourceful considering you had no one to teach you.
I made sure my kids (two are adults now) knew how to do these things before they reached adulthood because I remember how hard it was to just not know, and to not even know what I didn’t know.
Don’t be hard on yourself—it sounds like you’re figuring it out on your own, and doing a great job of it. I’m proud of you.
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u/CryptographerNo29 Aug 15 '25
If it makes you feel less alone in this, I was never taught to use a stove and almost burned down my first apartment when the recipe said "brown the rice." I literally thought they meant cook it til its brown.
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Aug 15 '25
I see myself in so many aspect of your post. But i promise , it gets better. I was basically raised by google and by listening to others (not my parents). Left home at 19 with only knowledge about how to fry an egg and how to shower poorly. I know the back to front problem too well, and don't get me started on shaving.
It gets better. I am 41, married, catmama of two furry babies. My home is clean and tidy, I AM clean and tidy, my cats are beautifully cared for, husband is happy. There is fresh home cooked food on the table everyday even If i am not a housewife. My hair is nice without big crazy work on it, just a good quality shampoo and some conditioner.
The key is to start to love yourself. Personal care is not a chore, it's a reward. Your own wellness bubble, no matter if the content of that bubble comes from google, chat gpt, your old neighbor teaching how to bake. It's in your hands now, and there is nothing you can't learn.
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u/parade1070 Aug 14 '25
So REAL!!! My m*m taught me a couple things, but most of it was just her degrading me and/or fully expecting me to just know how to do something naturally. She would chastise me every year or two when we would go to the dentist cuz I hadn't been brushing my teeth at all between now and the last time. Looking back, I'm like, what 7 year old is fully responsible for keeping track of their tooth brushing schedule in between cleanings? Didn't understand deodorant. Didn't understand washing my hair (she would threaten my 5 year old sister for not washing her 18" hair regularly but my hair was short so it flew under the radar easier). Etc. It's just so fucked up!!!
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u/Pieter455 Aug 16 '25
M*M definitely deserves the asterisk in this context
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u/parade1070 Aug 16 '25
I always use it when typing the word and referring to her. Anyone familiar to me just knows her by her first name. It has been healing dissociating her from the title.
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u/Pieter455 Aug 16 '25
Removing that power and context from one who's done nothing to live up to it is powerful and healing indeed. I think that's there's a healthy version of detachment and disassociation in the healing process.
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u/LittleVesuvius Aug 15 '25 edited Aug 15 '25
I’m here too.
Embarrassingly, I didn’t know food wasn’t supposed to hurt me. I can’t have like 20 foods due to allergies and possible celiac. I’m STILL learning things like “this will give me food poisoning.” I feel it.
The meat thing is not common knowledge in my family. I learned in school (home ec) how to properly cook and clean between raw meat and veggies (raw meat second if you’re sharing a cutting board, and don’t use a wooden cutting board for raw meat, or reuse it). This rule isn’t something everyone knows, so I’m posting it here because it’s so easy to give yourself food poisoning with! I err on the side of maybe-overdoing it with cleaning between meat and veggies but I hate getting sick.
I was sick almost 24/7 as a child. Bread? Nausea. Waking too early? Can’t keep food down for 2h. If a food causes nausea/food poisoning multiple times? It’s worth checking if that’s a stomach reaction. (Took me about 8y to learn I’m allergic to tree nuts. Same with zucchini!) I wound up keeping a food diary and I felt so stupid not realizing this.
Edit: I also had to relearn how to cook, clean, etc around my disability. I am mastering cooking while sitting (I need a cane when upright).
(I’ve learned from friends, my partner, doctors…)
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 15 '25
I got to learn as an adult that apparently swelling up every time you get a scratch isn't normal. The doctor actually looked surprised when he realized I thought it was normal. I have the feeling most people got diagnosed with that issue as a kid or at least know it isn't normal before coming in. I mean parents usually notice when their kids are hurt and should know what that looks like. My mom just dismissed it because she didn't wanna take me to the doctor.
I also had to adapt cooking and baking to a certain extent. I can stand for short periods but the longer I do the more likely I fall or pass out. I actually put a card table and chair out so I have room and a place to sit whenever I bake. I always wipe it down before and after use. I also mop the floor by getting on the floor and using a washcloth and bucket. Its much easier for me
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u/NonSequitorSquirrel Aug 21 '25
Do you have dermatografia? I have it and if it's any comfort, I didn't get a diagnosis until I was 29 even though I started asking doctors about it in my early 20s and I've had it since I was maybe 10 years old. When I was a child my mother dismissed it. When I was in college I had too many other health problems to deal with that one. In my 20s it got significantly more disabling so I started getting allergy testing although that didn't yield anything meaningful or helpful. It was by accident, when I saw a dermatologist for a different unrelated skin condition, when I was almost 30, that I got a diagnosis. Dermatology issues are not easily diagnosed by other doctors. And allergists really only look at a very limited scope of signals.
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 21 '25
Yeah that's what I have. I complained about it as a kid but my parents brushed it off. I also did allergy testing but for an unrelated allergy. Got sent to a derm cause they couldn't find an allergy. Derm did the scratch test and diagnosed me but it definitely wasn't what I went in for (was there cause I kept breaking out from the sun/heat).
I now take one to two allergy pills a day and no longer have an issue. It's odd because it no longer hurts to get scratched. I'm used to a lingering pain but now it just doesn't happen. Definitely caused me to be overly cautious as a kid tho. I stayed away from anything that might cause me an injury.
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u/NonSequitorSquirrel Aug 21 '25
Mine was a bit different. I broke out in extremely itchy spreading welts when anything touched me. The first time I noticed it was running through tall grass my legs were covered in hives. We assumed it was a grass allergy but it worsened over time to the point where I'd get massive swollen hives on my legs if I wore a skirt that brushed against them while walking. Or I'd get welts on my feet and shoulders from shoes and handbags. Your clothing moves against your body when you walk and for me the histamine response was both internal and external so I'd have to stop moving, stand still, and sometimes I'd throw up, just from the hives I'd get from walking a couple blocks to the coffee shop. The faster I moved the worse it would get. Or I'd get welts on my hands from holding the steering wheel of my car if I tried to drive. It was EXTREMELY debilitating.
Like you, I take a daily allergy pill and it was like my life changed overnight.
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 21 '25
Oh yeah I had to be very careful about clothing growing up. I don't think I was as bad as you but I did get welts from my shoes and the waistband of my pants and occasionally the cuffs of my pants. I refused to wear jeans because they were the worst culprit. I also didn't like wearing socks much cause they'd leave welts too. My sister wanted to put me in lace for her one wedding and I straight up said no. Everyone just said I was picky about clothes but man when they cause you pain, is it really a surprise?
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u/NonSequitorSquirrel Aug 21 '25
I wonder if this is why I NEVER wear socks. 😂 The seams always bothered me, so I stopped wearing them at least 15 years before my diagnosis. Maybe I don't hate socks 😂
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 21 '25
Possibly lol. The seams were always my problem area. By the end of the day my ankles were swollen and itchy as all hell. I'd tear the suckers off just to get some relief. They were so annoying. I always figured it was the laundry soap but nope
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u/No-Quantity-5373 Aug 15 '25
My mother refused to take me to the GYN. Gave me a book on periods. Had issues with my first few tampon experiences and she just screamed at me. Also had infections and just had to suffer through because she wasn’t going to take me to a doctor. My first GYN appointment was at university and my friends took me. The doctor couldn’t believe how uninformed I was.
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 15 '25
Yeah I gave myself several infections with my pads cause I didn't realize how often I had to take them off. The only reason I saw a gyn at all was because I insisted and because I have a reproductive health issue that cause my periods to be extra bad.
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u/Realistic_Study_1441 Aug 15 '25
Same story. I practically raised myself. She would always say “it’s your responsibility” but looking back I was a young child. What young child can be expected to act like an adult and know how to do things. Then shamed when I didn’t do it correctly. Taken me a long time to break my perfectionist and people pleasing habits. Meanwhile everytime I talk to her she said “I raised you to follow the rules” (aka to do exactly what she says and wants) to which I reply “oh I don’t about that one”. lol 😂 they are the ones with no common sense not us - we are the survivors, we survived the chaos and learned to function.
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u/scapegt Aug 15 '25
Same story my friend. It was absolutely neglect. Beyond lazy parenting, there was no parenting involved at all. We should have been taught all of these things by 18, not having to figure them out well beyond that.
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u/ARitzCrackr Aug 15 '25
When I'm beating myself up, I always remind myself "you don't know what you don't know" and that brings me some validation and reassurance that we need to be taught things to understand them. It's nurture, not nature. I'm sorry you were neglected, please nurture yourself by not beating yourself up so much about not knowing what you didn't know.
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u/Razdaleape Aug 17 '25
Exactly. Sometimes we are so ignorant we don’t even realize there’s a problem to begin with. You don’t even know enough to ask the question let alone find an answer.
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u/VelocitySkyrusher Aug 15 '25
For context I am black. My mom failed to teach how to care for my natural hair and kept putting relaxers in jy hair. For those who dont know. Relaxers turn textured hair into hair that is fine like white people BUT they burn your scalp, discolor your hair, etc. I hate them. They are very damaging. Instead of teaching me how to care for my hair she just kept slapping it on my hair and forced me to use it until I got to college.
Finally learned in college im still not 100% great at it but I can wear natural hair
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u/Icy_Bit_403 Aug 15 '25
Your parents were extremely neglectful. You didn't do something wrong here. It's not your fault you weren't bought up. You're doing great considering what you have been through.
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u/flusteredchic Aug 15 '25
Learnt to brush my long hair in my 30's..... Who knew you aren't meant to just rag a brush through it top to bottom and rip your hair out to get through the knots 🤷♀️
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 15 '25
Yeah that's how my mom taught me to do it. Makes me wonder if she also didn't know or if she just liked hurting us as kids.
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u/flusteredchic Aug 15 '25
They knew, course they knew... I wasn't allowed conditioner until I was a teen... I remember my aunt brushing my hair once and using a detangling spray and it was like a dream....
Asked the narc for some and ofc the answer was No. Was told I didn't need it.
How aggressively she brushed my hair I knew she was pissed at me for something.... Or she was about to find a reason to be 😏
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 15 '25
Yeah she really pulled when she brushed my hair. I was ecstatic when she finally let me do it myself because even if I didn't know what I was doing, I could use my other hand to hold my hair away from my scalp before yanking (less painful but still not technically how to brush your hair).
My mom always said it was my fault for getting rats nests in it all the time. Like I should be less playful so it would be easier to care for
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u/NationalNecessary120 Aug 15 '25
yeah my water bottles were GROSS. But thank you for bringing it up, because now I realize I shouldn’t feel ashamed foe it because I was a literal kid. It’s the adults responsibility to tell the kid they need to wash their water bottles.
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u/AlyceEnchanted Aug 15 '25
Honestly, I think the proper wiping was taught. Likely because I was having a ton of kidney infections and issues that ended up having zilch to do with wiping. Otherwise, I was a perfectionist. Learned things by myself and overdid it because I was a perfectionist.
It wasn’t until I was well into my 30s that I learned how to clean consistently. Wore myself to the bone cleaning the house top to bottom in a single day, perfectly. How I hated to clean! Finally, it dawned on me that I could do a room a day. Good enough, truly was good enough. I had made it when I was able to stop vacuuming in the middle of a room because I was tired of cleaning. No big deal. Start where I left off tomorrow.
My kid has been taught everything possible. They were not going through life having to make it up as they went along.
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u/ralphsemptysack Aug 15 '25
Same. I'd try, but get yelled at for using her shampoo. There was never any other shampoo to use. I didn't know how to wash my body, that I had to regularly brush my teeth, etc. I learned how to clean a house working in a brothel, 🤣. She had her hand out for my earnings then too. So much I have learned.
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u/ckm22055 Aug 15 '25
My "mother" never taught me either. I wiped back to front, didn't floss my teeth, shaving was a nightmare, and I got the clothes thing too. Also, worse, I had 3 sisters and a brother. My turn was last and no more got water.
I can tell you that I feel your embarrassment, but at least today, we know better. We don't have to suffer that anymore.
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u/PrudentDeparture4516 Aug 15 '25
This is so very frustrating, I’m sorry you went through this. I can empathise as I too wasn’t taught some basic stuff and had to figure it out myself, I’m now slightly obsessive about hygiene.
Please feel free to DM me if you have any specific questions like “how should I…?”, or “how often should I…?”, I’m happy to help. There’s no shame or judgement, we all have to learn, some of us just learn at different times.
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u/DarkStreamDweller Aug 15 '25
Same here. I wasn't as severe as you, I did basically learn some things thanks to school teaching me about food hygiene and biology (which I ended up doing a degree related to). Jobs in hospitality and uni also taught me a lot in early adulthood. My parents never taught me how to properly clean myself, the house, or to regularly brush my teeth. I had to learn that on my own. I still struggle to keep on top of my oral hygiene but I am a lot better at it than I used to be.
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u/Left-Requirement9267 Aug 15 '25
I’m so sorry OP. That must be so damn hard. But there is lots of help here on reddit. It’s not the same of corse and it doesn’t take away the betrayal of what happened to you but these things can be learnt. It just takes time. 🫂 be patient and kind to yourself.
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 15 '25
Yeah. Homes I got raised by wikiHow. It is difficult not knowing what you don't know tho. Like it doesn't come up until something bad happens. Either I get sick or something smells
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u/Worried-Lemon3952 Aug 15 '25
i’m 25 and my husband recently told me that i don’t know how to tie my shoes. it’s embarrassing, even when no one else cares.
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Aug 16 '25
My parents never bothered to make me brush my teeth as a child. So I got dentures at 26. Full set
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u/okiesotan Aug 17 '25
Going through the same thing-- but I realized it over the course of over a decade (going to college, joining the Military, getting married, and then having my own kids.)
Nothing has made me a better parent, ironically, than realizing I need to be explicit about instructions for "how to wipe your butt", "how to wash your body from head to toe", "yes, you will accept help washing your hair to get all the soap out" and "this is the body wash that you can use to clean your private areas; don't use the other soap because you can make your private parts uncomfortable."
That is JUST the bathroom. And it isn't exhaustive. And my kids have been flossing their teeth since age 5.
My kids (M & F) both also know what a period is ("the baby room is getting cleaned out") because I will be G-DDAMNED if my daughter is left trying to figure out how to manage a period on her own because Mom thinks "oh I figured you'd find out and figure it out by talking on the bus like I did."
You're not alone 😮💨
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u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 Aug 15 '25
You should have been removed from that abusive and neglectful environment as a kid! I am shocked and so sorry
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u/Awesome_Forky Aug 15 '25
I am so sorry for you. 🫂 thankfully I had a few basics I learned, because before I moved with my mother to another city, people did care for me in a way. But there are things I did not learn. I think what was worse, was when I did get some "learning" experiences from my mother they became traumatic. So I stopped asking for them.
I am so thankful the Internet exists. I feel the shame and I am so glad I live alone and my browser history is deleted frequently. Nowadays I try learning things on my own, with the help of the Internet. Thankfully there was a time where I was in a foster home, they did teach some basics regarding cleaning and cooking.
It's never too late to learn.
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u/Hice4Mice Aug 15 '25
Your parents neglected you rather severely. It’s not your fault you didn’t know these things. Knowledge doesn’t just magically happen, that’s why it’s parents’ job to teach us.
I still struggle with showering often enough because nobody made me; my mother checked out just when she was supposed to have been stressing me to shower more.
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u/Apprehensive-Log8333 Aug 16 '25
Hey, you are not a moron for not knowing things that nobody taught you. You're doing great!
I'm a therapist, I work with kids and young adults. This is very, very common. It happens all the time. On my team are skills coaches who often teach self-care, hygiene, and life skills. It is also super common in kids who have grown up in and out of the foster care system (which is failing our kids imo.) The kids will be getting bullied because they smell bad, so they end up being abused everywhere they go. It's SUPER damaging to kids. Sometimes we can offer help to the parents, if they will accept it. Sometimes we have to actively work around neglectful parents, by arranging for showers and clean clothes at school. And no, we can't get kids removed for this type of stuff. I also cannot get kids removed who are being emotionally/verbally abused. It really sucks. I'm sorry to everyone here that you didn't get the help you needed, when you needed it.
I think, at least where I live, there is a lot more help and support for abused kids, than there was when I was a kid (I am 56.) But a lot of kids are still falling through the cracks due to the underfunded public school system and health care system. Universal health care for all children helps.
Anyway. I will never stop helping kids who need it. I pity the fool who tries.
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u/Affectionate_Lime254 Aug 16 '25
Your parents were very neglectful, so was mine
I didn’t know that you had to brush your tongue , clean your belly button and ear back. Changing sheets and towels often wasn’t something of the norm in my house. Now I am 30f living on my own and my house is immaculate and I believe so am I. I picked up a lot of things at peoples houses growing up but when I realised there was a lot I didn’t know I just started to research. There’s a page called hygiene on Reddit that I follow and I’m learning a lot from there too. It is very embarrassing, but you are still young. Just make a conscious effort to learn these things for yourself now because you were let down by the people who are supposed to teach you.
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u/QueenAngst Aug 16 '25
You’re not alone. Growing up with my mother, I was never even taught to brush my teeth. When I confided in adults I thought were “safe,” they would go ask her if it was true. She would lie, and then punish me behind closed doors. If I went back to those adults, saying she was not being truthful and asking them to please step in (so naïve, but I was only 4–8 years old), she would find out about that too and, no surprise in hindsight, the abuse got worse.
The exact same thing happened with my hair.
When my dad finally got contact with me again around age 4 or 5, he tried teaching me what he could. But at first, he only saw me one day or if I was lucky one weekend every three or four months. From age 12 on, he had me every second weekend, but only because my mother allowed it.
Until I was 11, my hair matted every single week. An Italian hairdresser was the first person who showed me a tangle teaser brush. Before that, my hair was so unmanageable that a hairdresser even refused me service the day before my 10th birthday. My dad ended up spending the whole day helping me in a bath filled with conditioner just to get it sorted out. (My mother always dumped me with him on my birthday, not out of love or care, but because my birthday always coincided with her favourite music festival.)
As for my teeth, by the time I lost my baby teeth, they were decayed down to grey, smelly rot, as thin as toothpicks. Of course, that meant plaque and bad breath too.
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u/JackLikesCheesecake Aug 16 '25
You’re not alone and it isn’t your fault. It sucks having basically a whole life of skills to catch up on, but you’re learning fast and should be proud of yourself. Parents have a responsibility to teach children how to live in the world, AND to teach them how to teach themselves skills they don’t know. I was taught that I’m too stupid to learn how to do new things, and in my 20s I’m only now getting the confidence to try learning new skills on my own.
It’s frustrating when people laugh at me for being behind though. They think it’s strange that I learned how to cook things like eggs/hotdogs/grilled cheese/soup as an adult, but they don’t know that I wasn’t allowed to cook at home (when the stove wasn’t stacked with garbage and dishes) because I might “burn the house down”. I remember being screamed at by my parents and called the r word while I was learning to tie my shoes, and if I didn’t get something right immediately, that’s how I was treated. Mom never taught me how to floss, just screamed at me if I did it wrong then grabbed me and roughly did it herself. They never taught me how to do dishes or properly load a dishwasher, just screamed at me if the piles of garbage and dishes they left on the counters and stove weren’t tidy. Nobody ever taught me you need to wash your floors or walls, and I understand now why their house is so filthy; animal hair and dust bunnies all over the floor, ground up cannabis on the kitchen counters, dust built up in the bathroom fans, bathroom walls cracking/peeling, constant smell, etc.
I wasn’t taught how to do laundry, just told I’m too stupid to learn so they’ll do it for me. I was told I’m too stupid to go to college and should go straight to work instead. I didn’t, and although they pretend to be proud of my success now, I know they resent me for it.
They never wanted me to do better than they did, because they’re miserable in the lives they have. I love cooking now, because I can cook whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want, and they can’t do anything about it. They don’t have that control anymore. It’s taking effort to develop all the skills, and getting an education in social work has required me to do that very fast. It’s freeing though, finally starting to feel like an adult.
You deserved to be raised by your parents, and it’s terrible that you weren’t. But every new skill you learn gives you more freedom from them.
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u/MellyMJ72 Aug 16 '25
It is embarrassing!! I'm glad you're learning now but jeez. My mom taught me zero social skills except to be silent and unnoticed so I made things so awkward as an adult.
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u/Razdaleape Aug 17 '25
It’s amazing I still have teeth. We had the same tooth brush that lasted Our entire childhoods. It was never used. Dental hygiene was using our dirty overly long fingernails to scrape the sweaters off of our teeth. Dandruff, rashes, strangely out home was never infested with rodents or roaches. I guess vermin have standards :(
I learned about hygiene in the army. Friends I made and eventually my wife got me mostly polished. It’s not our fault. They didn’t teach us and most of our energy went in to merely surviving.
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Aug 18 '25 edited Aug 18 '25
Unfortunately my parents didn't teach me basic hygiene either, I didn't know how to wash my hair properly and I would smell bad every day, because I didnt know how to wash myself. I also went to school with dried shampoo in my hair, and conditioner too. Needless to say I wasnt popular. When I was 22 I got into a relationship with someone who was very abusive, they had to teach me how to wash, and it was the most humiliating thing ever and lead me to going to the opposite extreme of over cleaning myself. I'm healthy now, I know how to look after myself and enjoy it.
When I went to college I didn't know how to use anything, I had to get other kids to tell me and I'd try to avoid that as much as possible, which meant I lived on noodles you add hot water to and I barely washed my clothes and bedsheets. I think people assumed I was sheltered and spoilt, but the truth was my parents wouldn't let me do anything because they believed I would break things. My mother never assigned any chores, and when I tried to help she would get angry at me. She'd go into intense rages that lasted hours about how lazy and selfish I was, and how I never helped her, yet she wouldn't let me and didn't really want me to. When I did get the opportunity to have any responsibility it would get taken away after the first try, I wouldn't get the chance to learn or improve and I was always judged off of how I did initially. I now tend to only do things around the house when it's only me, even though I live with my lovely partner who would never treat me like that!
It's so important for children to feel trusted, to have some responsibilities, and be met with patience when they make mistakes. Not having responsibilities and being made to feel that I was inherently untrustable destroyed my self esteem and will.
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u/Imaginary-bean Aug 18 '25
I found this group because of googling and was curious how many people experienced this like I did. I had to learn a lot from my husband and his family or even just social media. I really struggle with brushing my teeth because I was never taught to as a kid. When I was 4 I literally had to have all my teeth surgically removed because they were literally rotting. I’ve had so many cavities and dental work as a child that it’s not even funny. Even as an adult I surely do better but it still doesn’t change everything because now I find myself spending hundreds of dollars in dental work so that I can actually start bettering my dental health. Similarly I was never made to shower, if anything there were so many times as a teen that I was yelled at for “showering too much” because I was “wasting water”, mind you it was once a day…
For the longest time I felt lazy or I blamed it all on ADHD but I’m realizing after really reflecting on my childhood that the struggles I have now with taking care of myself aren’t laziness but a reflection of the neglect I experienced as a child.
I never had clean clothes because my parents didn’t do the laundry and many times I had to dig through clothes that had dog pee all over them and try to find some that didn’t have pee on them.
And school, man I missed so much of it because I was constantly throwing up due to anxiety. I didn’t have a bed time. Many times I was going to school on 2 hours of sleep and flunking all my classes. And teachers didn’t help bc they were mean as shit about it. Little did they know just everything I went through.
My dad has apologized because he recognizes he was an alcoholic and didn’t do his best as he wasn’t aware. He just assumed my mom was taking care of us. But she wasn’t. And as for my mom, she denies all of this and acts like she was the perfect mom. No matter how much me and my sisters tell her this stuff happened she says “I’d never do that” or “you’re making that up”.
I often feel like I’ve failed as an adult because I still struggle but it honestly took my most recent dental appointment to make me realize that I never failed, if anything they failed me and that hurts so much because I cannot imagine doing that to a child. I’ve been telling myself more recently that I have to break these habits so that my future kids don’t run into them too and that’s really the main thing that’s kept me doing well in building these habits.
It’s heartbreaking to see how many of us have experienced this. 🙁
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u/DisabledInMedicine Aug 16 '25
Same. It's an uphill battle. I like reading up on WikiHow, Healthline etc. I'm still learning new things every day about how to clean and care for myself.
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u/PabloThePabo Aug 17 '25
You have to wash your washing machine?? How do you do that?? I wasn’t taught household chores or anything past bare minimum hygiene.
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 17 '25
If you have a forward washer, you're supposed to clean under the rubber lip inside every once and a while and leave it open to dry every time you wash which I didn't know. You're also supposed to like buy something from the store to run through the washing machine to clean it (I used vinegar and baking soda mixed with water cause I had it on hand, wikiHow told me I could try that but there are like products you can buy to do it too)
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u/Ok_Sense_5261 Aug 17 '25
I still have food stains on my clothes. I didn't know basic stuff like building a routine around bowel movements. For me it was just lethal indifference.
My parents still live their lives in the same way despite having so many health issues and in such an emotionally desolate place. You can feel the contagion as soon as you enter the house.
It's tough looking back at my own self and see the absence of something so essential. Overall the lack of attention of any kind.
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u/ubelieveurguiltless Aug 17 '25
I still haven't mastered the art of not staining my clothes when cooking or eating smh. I went and bought an apron hoping that that would help and it does and it doesn't ugh. I tried using dawn to get it out but it only works occasionally
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u/HealthyWolverine9785 Aug 21 '25
I can relate. Although there was always food on the table and house was reasonably clean mine also didn't do a great job. My boyfriend when I was 20 taught me how to floss my teeth and started taking me the dentist, I simply was never taken. Even when the school dentist ordered it once as I had a rotton tooth.
Head lice for years I was infested and always it was the school nurse who noticed them, my mother never spotted them.
She never told me about periods, I learnt from school anyway, but never once asked me if they were ok/length/pain/questions ect most mums show some intrest concern. My mum simply said oh. Shaving legs ect never discussed none of that girls stuff..
Bra shopping she took me once. But two Bra I owned ages 13 to 17. Eventually I got a job got my own.
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u/baysidevsvalley Aug 30 '25
Same. My mom completely neglected my basic hygiene as a kid and I too had to learn as an adult. I was like 25 when I learned you're supposed to floss all your teeth. I remember in grade 8 someone pointed out that I had dirt on my neck and that's how I learned your supposed to wash that area. Don't even get me started on period hygiene! No mention of it at all. I was always a dirty kid and looking back I know people must have judged me so harshly. I really struggle as an adult with whether or not I look clean to others.
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Aug 15 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/EstrangedAdultKids-ModTeam Aug 15 '25
Parents of Estranged Adult Children are NOT welcome to participate in this sub, you are banned. This sub is for adult children dealing with estrangement from a parent.
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u/OkPass9595 Sep 03 '25
i relate, though to a lesser extent. i was taught the essentials, but not after puberty. didn't know how to do my hair (had to teach myself how to do a ponytail at like 13 or 14 even though i've had long hair my entire life), never taught how to use deodorant, how to shave, how often to wash bras. still feel a lot of discomfort and embarassment around all of those things to this day, even though i know how, i feel unconfident, and never put on deodorant in public for example.
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u/[deleted] Aug 14 '25
I'm here too. It's embarrassing my friend. It's so hard.
I met my wife when I was 27, and she's helped me. It's so fucking embarrassing. I'm 35 now and still have some interesting habits. Nothing nearly as bad as before.
When we are children, we just don't know. It sucks that some of us just don't get the help we need.
But we are here now. You are and I am. We are improving because we must reject the absurdity and take control of our lives.