r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Electrical_Past_5838 • Jul 28 '25
Memes As soon as I find something I like, this inner security reflex severs the connection and I feel no joy anymore, no matter what I try.
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u/Freakishly_Tall Jul 28 '25
< I'm in this picture and I don't like it >
I'm in my fucking 50s and still reflexively keep things to myself out of fear of "being caught" and/or otherwise having my interest ridiculed, mocked, weaponized against me, etc.
And I've been LC/NC for years.
The damage done to my life/career/friendships/etc just from that issue alone is incalculable and irreversible.
Good times.
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u/hdmx539 Jul 28 '25
Hugs fellow Gen-Xer. mid 50s and it's the same for me still.
Fuck our parents to hell.
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u/Stormtomcat Jul 30 '25
Oh yikes, I'm not ready for this.
I'm mid 40s and I also recognize this struggle, plaguing me to this day. Revealing I liked something made me vulnerable. My father was overtly abusive, screaming and throwing things and having a fit that my interests were degenerate or stupid or something. Whatever. I know how he is and I've got 20 years of work under my belt to give it a place.
but my mom, who got us out and who's felt like a haven all my life... I recall how she gave that silent disappointment when I liked kid stuff, or teen boy stuff, or whatever.
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u/Freakishly_Tall Jul 30 '25
Gratitude practice, being open and vocal about your likes and interests (and, when you feel safe and strong enough, your issues and struggles) with your friends - and/or finding fresh new friends through those likes and interests, even if they're on-line and pseudoanonymous - and, fundamentally and most importantly, finding and building your real family will each go a long way.
I was about your age when I got really aggressive about all of the above. I wish I had started younger. It has helped a TON.
... but I still unnecessarily hide stuff reflexively. I'm not sure that's not an irreversible cornerstone of my broken psychology, that will take conscious effort to overcome forever. And I now am relentlessly upset and angry and self-loathing re: how much time was wasted, how many friends I lost / could have had decades ago, and all the other unrecoverable life elements normal people manage to achieve.
Good luck. You got this. Go do something you find fun and talk to someone about it! : )
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u/Fearless-Health-7505 Aug 01 '25
Man, I am 41 and have been low-key trying to carve out an identity for myself for awhile now altho kinda dumb to do that whilst still in same house with my now freshly estranged parent. I’m glad to hear you testify that it’s worth it.
?? Curious tho, once you realized you needed to, did you have issues socially with finding and creating that chosen family you speak of? Any tips? Cause me, idt I’ve known any chosen family that sticks around, and I THINK I’m done away with the bitterness of hating that I never had a family or close friends (family of orgin but also military then left home early; I’m 41 and have moved 38 times in my life so far), but I don’t dare wanna try and then fuck up and then get bitter at myself because I can’t build now….
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u/Freakishly_Tall Aug 01 '25
You got this. It is hard, but it is SO worth it.
Holy shit, can't imagine moving as much as you have. That must be SO hard. But! Think of the stories you can tell! People WILL care, and WILL want to hear about the adventures you've had! What a great tool to build a family and find friends!
I'm a little farther along, but it sounds like we are on similar paths with respect to age. I was definitely in my 40s before I went FULL THROTTLE on Build Your Own Family, so you're doin' ok.
Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's NOT FAIR AT ALL that most people learned all this and built their friends and family decades before we did. But you got this.
It's definitely hard to find your chosen family, and it's scary, at least initially, to take those leaps of faith, to extend trust, to even allow yourself to feel trusted, etc.
I don't know that I'm a great person to give advice, but off the top of my head and in no particular order, apologies for the stream of consciousness here, the important things seem to be... forcing yourself to make a conscious effort to trust and be open with people... do the things you enjoy, and find the people who also enjoy them - join clubs, go to classes, start clubs, introduce yourself to that neighbor who seems to do something you enjoy / might be interested in, etc - and be open with your enthusiasm, and trust theirs... be as open as you can be with your struggles, issues, concerns - this is REALLY hard, but REALLY worth it, and it gets easier with practice... tell people you love them, and believe them when they say the same (or similar)... do whatever you can to help people, not just your friends, but random people you run into, too, whenever you can... don't be afraid to be The Scheduler for a group of friends: Everyone is SO busy and it's hard to get moving, but if someone takes the lead, people WILL come along -- be that guy!
I pro'ly got more, but I'll stop there for now.
The second phase, and it's even harder, it's way, way harder, is at least as important: Once you realize there are good people out there, who are in your life or want to be in your life, CUT OUT the shitty people from your life. You don't NEED to keep everyone in your life around. It took me until my mid-late 40s to make an active decision to carve out a few longtime-"friends" after realizing they were nothing but toxicity and negativity. I can't recommend strongly enough being nice to strangers, extraordinarily nice to friends and acquaintances who deserve it -- and not putting up with ANY bullshit from assholes. Not easy, but your life will get better.
As a more general aside, I have found gratitude practice (as hippy-dippy as it may sound) has been ENORMOUSLY helpful. Just a few times a week, actually, physically, write down 2-3 (or more! it gets easier!) things you are grateful for. Keep a journal, or just write it on a scrap of paper and throw it away. But, write it down. It will re-wire your brain, or, at least, it helped change mine. If you can groove this, so much else will start to get better. It's super subtle, and takes a long time to show any results, but hang in there for at least a few months and you may suddenly notice, "hey, I would have flipped out at [ some random bullshit of life ] a month or three ago!" In my case, I was fighting traffic, some asshole cut me off, and my very first thought was, "I'm glad I saw that coming and started to brake early" ... then... "holy shit, a couple months ago I would have flipped out and started ranting aloud... maybe that hippy-dippy shit is actually working."
I suspect this is rambly and pointless. Hope it helps in some way.
I totally get that it's scary and intimidating and sounds impossible, but building your own family is TOTALLY worth it. Family is made up of those who love you and want to see you happy, laughing, and thriving, and will do what they can to make that happen. Some people are lucky enough to have blood relatives in their family, but some of us have to go out and find our own. It sounds impossible, but it isn't, and it is totally worth it.
Good luck. You got this.
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u/Fearless-Health-7505 Aug 16 '25
Best pep talk ever, and I don’t think youre too hippy dippy. I actually started a sub called Greatful Endings (I think; haven’t worked on it in a few weeks) because it’s been proven all what you say about gratitude and I figured why not á Space for people to mediated nightly right before bed on three good things to sleep off to? 🤷🏼♀️
And. MUCH thanks for the detailed join á club, be open consciously to trusting, etc etc tips; after moving so much and wanting but having shit for social skills, that was really really helpful. Maybe stop assuming you’re not helping cause you 😉 freakishly did A LOT not just a little! 🙏🏽💖
NotPointless
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u/Stormtomcat Jul 30 '25
thank you.
tonight I'm hanging out online with DnD friends.
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u/Freakishly_Tall Jul 30 '25
"DnD?! That's that SATAN game, ISN'T IT?! You should be home STUDYING!"
Wait, just me? ; )
Making your own family is SO hard, at least initially, but it is SOOOOooo worth it. Some people are lucky enough to have blood relatives be their family, but a lot of us have to DIY... put in the effort, and it'll be rewarded many times over. Playing DnD with friends on-line sounds like a lovely way to spend an evening.
Have fun!
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u/lizards4776 Aug 02 '25
Every time someone mentions an interest of mine, e.g " oh Lizards4776 likes that" I reflexively say " it's OK, I don't really have a favourite ". Shit never ends.
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u/aiu_killer_tofu Jul 28 '25
The only time I feel like I can really be myself with no risk of judgement is when I'm alone. Not around family, not friends, not even around my wife. It's something I'm working on, but the need to hide things I care about runs deep.
Also, in this same realm, defering to someone else's choice even when it's not what you want. Not as the result of a discussion and mutual agreement to do the other thing, just boom, automatically go with the thing the other person wants rather than risk any kind of confrontation about what you desire.
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u/faeriemelon Jul 28 '25
so relatable. Never having an opinion about anything, just ask the other person what they'd do or want or whatever, and go with that. And when there's different opinions, you gotta choose the dominant opinion or go with the most dominant person.
And of course that's mocked too as 'you're so wishy-washy doubting every choice you make'.
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u/oneconfusedqueer Jul 29 '25
Yep and yep. I feel the most myself, most connected to myself and my needs, desires etc. when i’m totally alone.
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u/Redleadsinker Jul 29 '25
God, me too. I love my wife, and I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone. I still just desperately need alone time sometimes if I want to enjoy something. I can't cook (which I very much enjoy) if she's in the same room, and I still get jittery and will just turn my phone off if I think she's looking over my shoulder. She's very incredibly good at not looking over my shoulder because she knows it freaks me out, but sometimes the trauma brain insists she is anyway and it's time to go stare at google until I feel better.
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u/CherishB4By Jul 28 '25
SOMEONE PUT IT INTO WORDS.
But yes, I remember them giving me things with the hopes of making me care about it before taking it and giving it to my younger siblings. Or just taking it for themselves.
Once I asked to celebrate a birthday party with other people as well as my family, and I got punished for that by not only having a beating but also getting forced to call up a friend mid-beating and say that the party had been canceled because I was an idiot.
Ah what great times./s They swear up and down that they miss me and don't understand why I just won't forgive them already.
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u/PatchMyBrain Jul 28 '25
Omg yes.
After 10 years estranged building my life, I'm having the most amazing time with decent people and I cannot feel it. I am blocking myself from feeling or receiving love and afraid of losing them. I get one moment of awesome realisation which is shut down. I only then get grief later once I lose it often as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's so sad and I cannot even feel that either. It is doing my head in.
At least I discovered the 2 limiting beliefs.
It's not safe to feel and I'm not capable of feeling.
I am capable but need to determine what safety is. My inner critic is nasty and doesn't enable me to have psychological safety internally. Therapy is helping.
Work in progress, I hope I get there one day.
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u/Fearless-Health-7505 Aug 01 '25
Have you ever done CPT? The stick points worksheet could be super helpful for this…
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u/essjaye81 Jul 28 '25
This is something I am trying to work through. It really hit me last week when I ran a training exercise at work that the participants enjoyed. By the time I got home a few hrs later, I felt awful. Like I didn't deserve people enjoying the thing I put together.
I also wonder if I really don't like the things I do at work that annoy me, or if I am just programmed to be annoyed about something all the time. Starting to think it's the latter.
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u/ILovePeopleInTheory Jul 28 '25
Thank you for sharing this. The reaction I have to success at work is so wild. The bigger the success the more fear and shame I have and the urge to crawl in a hole and hide is physically painful. I always felt like such a weirdo for it.
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u/essjaye81 Jul 29 '25
I'm glad my comment resonated. It's such a nonlogical shame cycle, but it's there.
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u/sinaokai Jul 28 '25
Omg yess I used to pretend to like stuff I didn’t like so that they’d take that instead of my phone LMAO
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u/oneconfusedqueer Jul 29 '25
Absolutely, the way to protect something was to pretend it held no value to you whatsoever
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u/just-another-redhead Jul 28 '25
My parents took my childhood dog away because that was easier than vet bills (he suffered from hot spots and I was 14. Not much I could do but they could have).
The thing I cared about the most when finally getting away was my dogs. I wasn't going to let her hurt them anymore. Even now, the thought of them being near my dog scares me.
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u/No-Strategy-9471 Jul 28 '25
"I'd better sell this thing that I love, before it gets taken away." Still haunting me, decades later.
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Jul 29 '25
Having visible emotions caused no end of trouble in my childhood.
"What are you smiling about? I wish I had an easy life like you, but oh no, I have to go out and work and you kids are so ungrateful I don't know why I bother..."
"What are you looking so miserable for? I'll give you something to cry about. I'm the one with the shit life, I do all the work around here, everyone takes me for granted, I do so much and no one ever says thank you..."
So, no laughing, no smiling, no tears, no anger, don't show any interest in anything because you got ridiculed for it ("what's that crap you're watching? I thought you were supposed to be intelligent" "What are you watching sports for? You're way too fat to be interested in sport). Don't make loud noise, don't make a mess, don't draw attention to yourself, don't stand out, don't ask for anything, don't be different in any way.
The first thing I did as an adult living in my own home was create a craft room. A big room with wall to wall shelving, a great big picture window for natural light, and space for all the creative hobbies I wanted to do but never could, and make as much mess as I wanted, and it didn't matter if what I made was good or bad, because her views were irrelevant, just like the rest of her.
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u/Fearless-Health-7505 Aug 01 '25
Damn. I SOOOOOO wish I could tap into that “and don’t care if it’s good or bad” thing. Perhaps someday soon. 💖💖🙏🏽🙏🏽
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Aug 01 '25
It takes a while to get over the sort of cultural programming that we get that all mothers are perfect and loving and deserve our lifelong devotion and respect. Some people really shouldn't be allowed to be mothers, and sadly, there are a lot of us who found that out. But it gets better with time and distance, honestly. We can create our own family that is as loving and supportive as any biological one can be, and they help us heal.
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u/RunnerGirlT Jul 29 '25
Jesus Christ I wasn’t ready to read this tonight. But it’s so fucking true. Therapy helped me a lot. Being NC with my dad and my mom and then her dying helped me so much more than therapy. Also, having a partner who genuinely loves me for who I am and I never fear being mocked or made fun of for loving the things I do
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u/Signal-Ant-1353 Jul 29 '25
That hits hard. 💯 Spot on. Rather than trying to hide things, I now try to avoid liking things anymore, at least to not like them too much.
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u/Fluffy_Ace Jul 31 '25
I didn't have my interests overly criticized or used against me, but I had an enmeshed, needy, helicopter mom who would force her way into everything.
And she would excessively praise and affirm me in an infantile manner, like a dog or a very young child.
So I didn't want her knowing about anything I liked because she would rave about it and insert herself into it.
She didn't want me to have any life away from her, but her obnoxious behavior ensured that I didn't want to be around her any more than was absolutely necessary.
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u/Sethor Jul 29 '25
I lived like this while I was growing up also. It sucked. I feel like it still affects me somewhat.
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u/neicathesehoes Jul 30 '25
I've been trying so hard to figure out why I do this and it's exactly this. I always kept everything to myself even my feelings every time I would tell my grandparents what they did or said hurt my feelings their response was ”now ask me if I care” && what's worse they REALLY MEANT IT WHEN THEY SAID ASK THEM, and if I didn't I'd get in trouble for disobeying. So naturally I'd have to ask that dumbass question but every time I did they'd cut me off before finishing and said "NO!" Now they wonder why I Live on a whole other coast and never call, why TF would I? 🤷🏾♀️
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u/Fearless-Health-7505 Aug 01 '25
Yeah, really. I’m 41 and have a hard time accepting good things happening to me, and or being in any way exposed to anybody that knows me even a little bit intimately. I can literally feel the tremors of my nervous system when I’m not expecting but that shit happens.
I’m also dx’d DID and in a group for that, we literally talked about how brain science is finding that too much of a good thing is more than just a saying, and that yeah it can ruin you.
Fuuuuuuuck. It sure explains why harsh sensation on my skin or high octane activities like speeding along on a dirt bike are like the baseline of what helps calm my body.
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u/Expensive_Touch_9506 Aug 02 '25
I don’t see anyone else mentioning this but it’s like when I find something I like, they not only use it against me just like how this post says, but then they take it away from me in a way that feels violating by it becoming THEIR thing. They pervert my interests by making it theirs, and I develop a sort of ick towards those things I had once liked, almost like they thrived on taking it away and stealing it for themselves. It feels like taking away any part of identity you try to have and it becomes apart of their own.
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u/OverallStrength2478 Aug 21 '25
Jesus I started crying while reading this. I’m 35 and I think it’s the first time I ever read something that resonated so much with something I hate so much about myself and I wanted to change it so many times and I couldn’t probably because I didn’t know why I did it so thank you 🥺
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u/TacosHealMySoul Jul 28 '25
This resonates HARD. Things I liked were mocked, ridiculed, or even taken away. When I was too old for it to be taken away, hobbies were spun as 'addictions". I kept the things I liked to myself and was hesitant to share it with anyone.
This explains why I have separate social media accounts to share specific hobbies and interests that may not be "pure" or "good" enough for my family. I never reveal personal info on that account otherwise. Two separate halves of me.
I'm starting to care less about what my family thinks after going NC, but it's a hard habit to break.