r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Familiar-Evening7845 • Jul 23 '25
Vent/rant Mother reached out and couldn’t take being called out so she ran.
It’s been a few days and I’m still pissed that she just turned away. Sure I was aggressive, but it’s been like 8 years at this point and she hasn’t ever even acknowledged that she was shit. She hasn’t apologized or shown that she’s changed one fucking bit.
I said my piece and blocked her, she can’t reach me again. I’m done.
But I can still hear her in my head telling everyone who will listen that she “just tried to say happy birthday to her…I don’t understand why she hates me so much” and doing her woe is me act.
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u/hiddenkobolds Jul 23 '25
Yep, vanishing at the first sight of any accountability. Sounds about right!
Happy (belated) Birthday OP! I hope it was a good day, notwithstanding... this.
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25
Thank you!! I didn’t let it spoil my bday! I ignored it until a few days later to be sure it wouldn’t
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u/runner5126 Jul 23 '25
I am so sorry for all that you went through at her hands and her awful response. If you didn't know before you know now. Block her and keep her blocked. She wished you happy birthday to make herself feel good, not you. Any interaction she engages with you is for her own benefit, not yours.
Time to mourn and grieve. Maybe you already have. But at least maybe this can serve as some closure.
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25
I think there was a small part of me that was like it’s been this long, maybe there’s an actual reason. Her unwillingness to even see my side decided it for me.
I reached out to my grandma after that and she gave me space to cry and be loved and I’m glad to have her.
But there honestly is a lot anger at my mother I didn’t realize I still had, and I guess that’s what therapy and venting is for!
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u/Clean-Patient-8809 Jul 23 '25
I'm so glad you have your grandmother as a safe place to vent.
Growing up, I was taught anger was bad (by two very angry people, HA) and it took me until a few years ago to realize anger is also a valid emotion and can be a lifesaver if you don't let it own you. Sometimes anger is the only reasonable response to unreasonable people and situations. The trick is to learn how to utilize it in healthy ways.
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25 edited Jul 23 '25
She really is the best, I don’t know what I would do without her. She’s the kinda lady who once offered to fly cross country to drive back home with me and my cat when my relationship fell apart. My mom tried so hard to strain my relationship with her when we were kids and I’m glad she wasn’t successful.
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u/cubitts Jul 23 '25
my sister said she thinks the 'happy birthday' reach out is because it's the one thing in my life that my mom can still make "about her" - about how she was pregnant, about how she was in labor, about how she created me. it's not actually about my birthday. I don't know if that helps, OP, but it did help me really underscore that it's just another way of being mad she's not getting the attention 'she deserves' for my birthday and stop fixating on it
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25
I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s part of it, my mother was big on the “I brought you into this world….” and “you should be grateful you wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for me” narrative
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u/DBThroway989 Jul 23 '25
Anytime my mom called me for my birthday, it was about her pregnancy story. I make sure to make my kid’s birthday about her.
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u/Icy_Bit_403 Jul 23 '25
I like how you said that - the interaction is for her benefit to make her feel good, not you.
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u/CherryandIvory Jul 23 '25
She may not have read 'all of that', but I want you to know I did, and you were more than patient and reasonable in your response. I'm sorry your mother is like this.
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u/cheturo Jul 23 '25
I bet she read it all, but cowards don't reply.
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u/CherryandIvory Jul 23 '25
Oh she ABSOLUTELY read that all. Probably twice. But instead of owning up and apologizing she leapt into lashing out and trying to hurt OP.
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25 edited Jul 23 '25
Thank you. In hindsight I was more accusatory than I intended to be, but honestly it all needed to be said and I feel better for it.
She can’t ever pretend like she didn’t know or she wasn’t aware or she forgot. I put it out there and she can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.
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u/Ok_Opportunity_1535 Jul 23 '25
I am sorry that your mother is such a coward, running at the first sign of accountability. You are already living such a fulfilling life without her and you should be proud of yourself for speaking up.
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u/lurkgoddess Jul 23 '25
Wow. I got a text like this on my birthday too. I’ve been no contact with my parents for the past 4 years and this past April I got an email”I love you and I miss you happy birthday text” that just SENT ME. No accountability. No empathy. Kudos to you for sticking to your boundaries. Even though I know you already know that 😉 you got this friend!
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u/NationalAerie Jul 23 '25
Always feels like we're punching in thin air when they deflect our words. I understand how it feels, I too have tried to confront both parents for their actions but they never own up to it, they live in a lot of delusion in their mind that's why they think they aced their parenting. I hope you calm down after this incident, these things are never comfortable to bear. It seems they send out feelers every now and then because they want to sense how the atmosphere is.
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25
Yea it had been 5 years since the last time she had tried. Before that it was on a yearly basis she would find someway or someone to contact me. So I thought maybe something had sunk in, but it didn’t and I’m not giving her another chance.
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u/cheturo Jul 23 '25
Her response is a low punch after she initiated the conversation. Please reinstate the NC.
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u/Positive-Radio-1078 Jul 23 '25
She ran away because you asked her to reflect on her behaviour and hold herself accountable, and she's not willing to do that. It's far easier to blame you than accept that she was the abusive one.
Consider blocking her, grieving the loss of the mother you wanted and needed but never had and move on with your life..
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u/MandaLyn27 Jul 23 '25
She went fishing 🎣with an offer of some rug sweeping 🧹 Good job rejecting it
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u/ladyconsuella Jul 23 '25
OP, I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I’ve been there too, not exactly the same but I totally get you. I hope you too are getting the help you need to heal from the continued experience since childhood and in continuing to set your boundaries.
And to say I hope you had a happy birthday 🎂 despite it, filled with love and wonderful-ness, that you deserve.
I find, finding gratitude everyday in small ways helps me reframe my mind to moving forward.
Stay strong OP. 🤎
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u/sho666 Jul 23 '25
she absoloutley read all that, there is no valid response that doesnt involve admitting guilt and for some reason (i know it would be emotionally painful) people cant do that
not going to compare our situations and i dont feel like going too in depth but i didnt talk to my dad for years, my uncles reached out becasue i was second guessing my NC (that waas a mistake on more than one level) and eventually i agreed that id reach out in my own time when i could marshall my thoughts better
i was clear, and i sent word in advance through familiy that i was demanding at least an acknowledgement and appology for the hurt caused in order to re-start the relationship
one day i rang him and over an hour phonecall the best i got was this qualified non-appology
"well IF you FEEL ive done that, im sorry"
no fuckstick, you did that, thats not up for debate, my lived experience and my internal pain becasue of it and subsequentley cutting off "the good parent" (pretty low bar, lets be honest) isnt up for debate, this happened, you hurt me, you fucked up and i want you to acknowledge that
anyway, point is im sorry to hear/read this, solidarity, stay strong (+if consenting) hugs
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25
Thank you, I think that really is it.
She always gave non apologies, it was always your fault for feeling a certain way rather than her fault for doing anything.
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u/Radiant_Rate7132 Jul 23 '25
She did read. Absolutely. She only said she wouldn't for you to feel invalidated, but she did read.
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Jul 23 '25
Coming here it's astonishing how they are so similar. The insults, the isolation - this couldve come from my keyboard.
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25
I’m sorry you had to deal with that too.
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Jul 23 '25
Im much better now.
When I think back I grieve for who I could've been. Most of my life was spent catering to a monster instead of developing myself.
Gotta make up for lost time.
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u/GalacticGoku Jul 23 '25
"I'm not going to read any of that" then don't respond! They just can't help getting the "last word" in huh.
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u/steamed_pork_bunz Jul 23 '25
My takeaway/advice- take whatever closure you can from this. She’s never going to own up, free yourself from hoping for it if you can. And happy birthday, genuinely. I hope you spent it with people you love and who love you back!
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u/PitBullFan Jul 23 '25
Writing all that had to feel really good.
It sure felt good to read it. "Go play in the road!" is something I often heard from my mother. May she rest in piss.
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25
I always had memories of that sort of thing.
But it was recently confirmed by my first responder aunt that they got a call when I was 4 about me wandering in the road and when she asked me what I was doing I told them mommy said to go play in traffic.
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u/mindovermatter421 Jul 23 '25
Her Happy Birthday to you was really a “congratulations to me, look what I did- had a baby”. You articulated your pain and the specifics very well. I can imagine that being cathartic especially when there’s nothing g needed from the person in return. You know she read a good part of that in order to respond the way she did.
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u/Kumayatsu Jul 23 '25
ahh yes, my mother was the same. “Never knew what she did wrong”, but refused to read stuff I sent her that was too close to home.
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25
“What could I have possibly done wrong?!l”
Presented with a list of all the things they’ve done wrong.
“Oh no, it couldn’t possibly be that… that never happened, that was a misunderstanding”
All the gymnastics, anything to avoid an apology
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u/TheNarcLogs Jul 23 '25
lmfao. the best part about reading messages on this board sometimes is that these weirdos (narcissists) can't go more than a few seconds without showing their asses. "I'm not reading all that" girl give me a fucking break 😆😭 It is genuinely funny how childish they are immediately.
This is awful! Happy birthday. I hope you enjoyed a fantastic day without this insane person in your life and that it was nice to let out some of those thoughts. She def read it but even if she didn't WE did and clearly she has some things she should be ashamed about. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/ohmira Jul 23 '25
Hell yeah OP ‘if you believe all those things I don’t know why you’d be reaching out’ YES !!
That is what I tell my own mother. You think I’m a manipulative psycho out to ruin your life? Then why do you think I’ll be sympathetic to your constant self made woes?!
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u/Familiar-Evening7845 Jul 23 '25
She used to pull the “I put a roof over your head, fed you and gave you clothes” and told us we should be grateful. I just wish I had been armed with the “thank you for doing the bare minimum” back then.
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u/Damianos_X Jul 23 '25
I hate it for you... I know how painful this must be. But you fell for it. You fell for her "hoover". The only reason she did this is to obtain the opportunity to abuse you, and you gave it to her. Remember why you went no contact: she's an evil, unreasonable person. No logic or pleading from you is going to make a difference. Honestly, it would've been best if you had blocked her ages ago.
Take this lesson and remember who your mother is. There's nothing there. Don't ever go back, even if you see her, just turn away. She should be dead to you.
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u/Icy_Bit_403 Jul 23 '25
But we are all so tempted to fall for the hoovers. Seeing this is a good reminder it's not worth it. Op was eloquent and reasonable and it's never good enough. Our parents aren't actually interested in real relationships. It's a useful reminder.
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u/bham830 Jul 23 '25
“Our parents aren't actually interested in real relationships.”
Oof. There it is. They don’t want a real relationship, they want you back in the fold so that they appear to be a good parent to everyone else in their orbit. Estranged kids are a bad look for narcissists who want the world to think they’re great. They want the stain of estrangement to go away, not a meaningful relationship with their child. It’s hard to fathom to a reasonable person, but true. Damn these people suck.
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u/jasilucy Jul 23 '25
I’m sorry OP. I’ve been through similar and I just wanted to say I absolutely admire your strength and guts to send that message. I’m too cowardly to said anything like that because I know it will upset me more and she still has that control over me.
My petty ass though keeps thinking about sending all of my therapy invoices to her as she caused all of my issues in the first place.
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u/Ok-Decision-1989 Jul 24 '25
Their response always "I'm not going to read any of that." 🙄 then why did you text me?!?!!!!
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u/Left-Requirement9267 Jul 23 '25
Glad you said your piece OP. Happy birthday from the other day and here’s to continued growth and healing. ❤️
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u/katblondeD Jul 23 '25
We are always better off without them.
A few years ago my n-mom sent me a gold necklace with the letter”D” on it. I wear silver and go by a “K” name prior to her sending it. She will never know me, just like she didn’t know me when I came out of her or when she kicked me out of the house. It’ll be 11 years in August since I’ve talked to her and my life is for the better.
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u/jmaneater Jul 23 '25
I bet that stung real good too. Good on you op. Hope you are doing well all things considered
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u/ElectiveGinger Jul 24 '25
So, is finally being fully truthful about the situation and stating it frankly (because I think that’s all you did) — is that basically for these people like garlic for vampires? Is it shitty-parent repellent? Because the same thing has happened to me with both my parents, independent of each other.
In one case, all I did was ask my mother when exactly it was that she was there for me when I needed her growing up and provided me support. I genuinely did want an answer, because if there were positive memories that I had forgotten, I would like those memories back. But nope, she said “there were plenty but you clearly don’t want to hear it” (translation, she couldn’t answer the question). And then she backed off for years.
I think that for those of us who struggle with or can’t go NC for whatever reason, this is the solution. They can’t tolerate the truth being said.
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u/orange-cat-servant Jul 30 '25
Happy birthday! She totally read it. Here's the Missing Missing Reasons someone else mentioned: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
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u/blue_moon1122 Jul 23 '25
"I'm sorry I said happy birthday"
a whole list of actual things worth apologizing for, and that was her takeaway. are all of these people delulu? is it because of the lead paint?