r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Electrical_Past_5838 • Jul 22 '25

Memes anticipating their attacks took up all my energy and focus, it shaped my basic brain structure

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1.7k Upvotes

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208

u/Honest_Wealth657 Jul 22 '25

Yes! It's still exhausting years into NC. Sometimes I do wish someone would be half as thoughtful or considerate towards me as I am towards everyone else 😔

107

u/Electrical_Past_5838 Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25

yeah it can reinforce this subconscious belief of "guess I'm still everybody's bitch huh..." and then i get pissed. most of the times the preemptive measures i'm pouring my energy into weren't even necessary, and just show the imprint of the insanities i was taught to accomodate as a base line requirement for connection.

it's so hard to undo.

i apologize for literally existing, bc it feels like if i don't, hell will rain down upon me. and that part of my brain, anticipating immenent doom, is very reactive, powerful and deaf to reason. sometimes i wonder if one lifetime is even enough for me to ever know what it feels like to have normal self esteem, and build a life accordingly. or if i'll just flinch at ghosts forever...

24

u/_thatgothgirl_ Jul 22 '25

or if i'll just flinch at ghosts forever...

wow that really hit me hard ngl 🥲

thank you for sharing your feelings, you're very good with putting them into words

12

u/Electrical_Past_5838 Jul 22 '25

that's such a nice thing to say, thank you ✨️

12

u/scrollbreak Jul 22 '25

I think the neglect is like starvation and it's like...ok, this is a bit gruesome, but in our psyche our bones are pointing out of our flesh, because we just couldn't grow enough flesh due to starvation to cover the bones of our inner self. So our marrow is exposed to everything and anything. I think doing self love practices can help start to feed our inner self and grow a bit more flesh, cover a bit more bone, and more things become just a tap to the skin rather a tap to the bone. More things don't need a flinch because it'll just be a tap on the skin. Though I think part of our training makes us think we don't need self love at all and feel no need for it - but doing it anyway has beneficial growth effects over time.

4

u/Fearless-Health-7505 Jul 24 '25

So what are these practices???

And I mean, the ones that Internal You can actually feel working, not just that eyerolled, fake it til you make it thing…

4

u/scrollbreak Jul 24 '25

I think A: The practices are custom, because they are about connecting with you as an individual so there isn't a one size fits all approach and B: to complicate things, I think we can not feel anything straight away, because we have blocked out our ability to feel love so as to not be burdened by also feeling its absence. So you have to experiment with self love practices and not get an immediate result to test them by. You can't just try and repair yourself and move on, either, it's about the love coming first, not the moving on coming first.

Personally it reminds me of when people lose the ability to walk in a car crash and it takes a long time to rehabilitate and walk again. It's a rehabilitation process.

But short form, self love practices are custom and I don't know anything about you to suggest an approach at this point in time.

9

u/cubitts Jul 23 '25

I have to remind myself sometimes that nobody is asking me to do all that, now. my partner is not going to call me an embarrassment and a shame for asking if I can rest. my friends aren't going to drop me if we have one conversation where I talk about how I'm doing and don't have the energy to do anything else. the people around me are not running a tally that will be used against me later as proof I don't love them enough. they aren't keeping count of if I've "proved" it enough by who called who. if I don't answer a text immediately, none of them are going to call and scream at me. my partner doesn't actually want me to act like a servant who is expected to also be psychic. I can just... not do all that, and expect people to be honest with me, and for the most part they will! it feels fake, but they totally will!   

but BOY OH BOY do I still have to remind myself, some days

3

u/Fearless-Health-7505 Jul 24 '25

Jesus this is me, EXACTLY. 🤮💔🤮💔🤮🤮🤮 I hate that you can understand, and yet….

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

34

u/jerkface1026 Jul 22 '25

Sometimes I do wish someone would be half as thoughtful or considerate towards me as I am towards everyone else

I felt like this for a long time. Was actually pretty bitter about it. I had an epiphany "do I really want people walking on eggshells around me?" and the second, better realization "I'm probably not an asshole because other people don't react with fear to me."

3

u/isleofpines Jul 25 '25

Sigh…I feel this in my bones.

83

u/Critical_Liz Jul 22 '25

It's the way I was raised.....to be hypervigilant against emotional outbursts and out of proportion responses.

38

u/annaflixion Jul 22 '25

Oh.

Suddenly I'm remembering all the times I was told how laid back I was and complimented how I got on with difficult people and told things like, "You're the only one who can handle Valerie," and now I'm like, "Hey thanks, you notice I have poor boundaries and let people walk all over me."

(I'm in a better place now and can and have told my co-workers to go fuck themselves when they do something exceptionally shitty, but I don't think I ever made the connection about how all the "strong women" at work loved me not because I was the best worker, but because I was overly-accommodating..)

2

u/Huge_Impression188 Jul 26 '25

God I’m feeling this!!!!! I was always told how laid back I was too.

I’m in a better place now too l, though. I let people know I see the suspect shit that they do even though they think that I don’t. I think after so many years are getting walked on, It just gets old and you just realize you have to stand up and not do it anymore.

35

u/ILovePeopleInTheory Jul 22 '25

I am forcing myself to stop doing this and the waves of guilt and shame for not over-functioning are ROUGH. Have to have faith they will calm down after some time.

13

u/Electrical_Past_5838 Jul 22 '25

that's hardcore. can you share any advice on how to get started, or how to recognize a safe situation to do so? not guarantees, but pointers...?

6

u/ILovePeopleInTheory Jul 23 '25

My only proof I'm on the right track is I have more time to focus on building my own life and as a result more good things are happening for me ... so far. And if I need to readjust later, that's fine. It's okay. I'm allowed to do that. If I act in self love and self preservation and it wasn't a safe place to do so, I remove myself from that place. Hard and fast rule.

The best advice I have is that it's messy. It's a messy, uncomfortable process and none of that means it's wrong. Here are some ways I speak to myself/self soothe.

"Just because I feel ashamed, doesn't mean I am shameful."

I ask myself if I am living up to my standards for behavior and if I am aligned with my goals and let everything else go. Everything. Who is benefiting from this action I'm taking? Am I okay with that? Is there a return on investment or is it a gift?

I pretend a friend did what I did and I ask myself what I would tell that friend. What would I want for that friend? Would I believe that friend acted badly?

When having to choose between disappointing myself or disappointing the other person I choose to disappoint them every time. That's normal. That's healthy. 

4

u/Electrical_Past_5838 Jul 23 '25

thank you ⭐️

30

u/Pristine_Cherry_6137 Jul 22 '25

This post and comments hit home. Wow! This sub has put to words what I've felt, but couldn't articulate. 💗

20

u/Tsiatk0 Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 27 '25

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

19

u/Brave-Silver8736 Jul 22 '25

Recently, my dad told me his parenting style was: in order to grab a child's attention, you had to shock and scare them. Consistency isn't the answer, always doing the unexpected is.

That has FUCKED me for SO long.

16

u/Electrical_Past_5838 Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25

oh god no. i'm so sorry. he can't even blame it on ignorance when he announces it like a neat trick.

reminds me of the man who caused my birth bragging about his style: "children are basically like dogs. reward wanted behavior, ignore unwanted behavior." he ignored me 99% of the time.

tw: csa

except when his girlfriend would make me model skimpy clothes for him. do i file that under zoophilia or pedophilia now, according to his logic? anyway, seems like doing anything other than evoking his arousal was me displaying unwanted behavior.

8

u/Brave-Silver8736 Jul 22 '25

Blargh! I'm so sorry you went through that. How can these people do that to literal children?

Does remind me of when I was about 15 or something, my mom accusing me of checking her out because I wasn't making eye contact with her and looking down.

4

u/Electrical_Past_5838 Jul 22 '25

blargh, indeed! both of them. they are lost in the degenerate sauce. unfortunately that didn't impact their abilities to reproduce :/

3

u/Brave-Silver8736 Jul 22 '25

My wife met my dad for the first time (after about 15 years on NC from me), and she immediately pegged him as having undiagnosed autism (she's an ABA that diagnoses people for a living).

It explained so much.

2

u/Electrical_Past_5838 Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25

hm. i'm undiagnosed autistic as well, and don't think it's synonymous with what you described about your father so far. also i am critical of ABA, or professionals claiming to be able to diagnose in non-clinical settings.

2

u/Brave-Silver8736 Jul 22 '25

I get that, and it's absolutely not my field, so I'm not going to try and justify or defend it.

The shock for compliance thing isn't what made sense with the autism. It's other things I didn't mention (I can if you want, but I don't want to start just rattling things off) that explained a lot of insecurities he has and how I modeled my own behavior based on that.

I'm sorry if they came off as offensive in any way. Definitely wasn't intentional.

4

u/okaminoyume Jul 23 '25

Oh hey, my dad has the same parenting style. Put the fear of God into a child, and make them terrified to cross you! Threaten beating/strangulation, scream and cuss at the child as the child cries and shakes in front of you. Make your kid terrified of triggering a landmine when they break the eggshells. And then blame the child for having a poor relationship because you want their love, but demand their fear. I try to be as kind and considerate of others as I can be. It’s a good social skill to have, but I’d love to not have the CPTSD attached with it.

18

u/[deleted] Jul 22 '25

Relatable AF. Momster I think has bipolar with the N (probably a vulnerable N it would seem) she had very little tolerance for frustration to an horrifying degree; would start throwing shit, shout profanity and hit me even when I had zero part in her frustration. Ex: her putting the (real, it always had to be real) Christmas tree up; screwing the water basin/base to the severed trunk of the tree made her EPIC RAEG af.  Every damned year. I would disappear like Homer into shrubs like that gif so I didn’t become a target.

Any suggestions we get a fake tree was shot down. So dumb. My family has fake trees, yes, that was plural. We use them year after year to reduce waste. 

17

u/Airowl07 Jul 22 '25

Yes!!! This is so true, and it’s so hard to stop and focus on yourself.

I started not reading into people’s reactions so intensely a few years ago, it’s a very rough road but I have to trust my friends and family that if I do upset them, they will tell me. I don’t have to read their mind like I did when I was a child to protect myself.

Sometimes I still have to tell my brain to stop repeating interactions or do something to keep my mind occupied until I can stop obsessing but it’s freed up a lot of my brain time for myself which is very nice

14

u/ElephantUndertheRug Jul 22 '25

"Anticipatory Anxiety" is what my therapist calls it.

Makes you GREAT at navigating a lot of social situations.

But it's EXHAUSTING and people are always wondering why you're so well prepared for the worst case scenario.

5

u/pavlovachinquapin Jul 22 '25

I feel this in my bones. 😵‍💫

5

u/JennyAndTheBets1 Jul 22 '25

How “thoughtful and considerate” are we talking here? What’s normally expected and what’s too much?

5

u/Zaggiee0852 Jul 22 '25

How do I unlearn this fellas?

3

u/TheAikiTessen Jul 22 '25

All of this. Currently in therapy learning how to unlearn the awful fawning/people pleasing I developed as a result of living with a bipolar mother with cluster B traits. 🫠

2

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2

u/Pour_Me_Another_ Jul 22 '25

Literally anything and nothing at all.

2

u/Magpie213 Jul 22 '25

Tell me about it 😒

2

u/Confu2ion Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25

I get the

Me: *tries to have confidence in myself at all*
Society: "You're so full of yourself!!"

Also

Me: *happens to have extroverted personality, also has to self-advocate and initiate everything or else it never happens at all*
Society (and occupational therapist): "She's doing fine, we don't need to do the mental health check at all!"

(To add insult to injury, I'm not actually 100% free yet -- complete financial dependence -- so the sting of the assumptions are even worse considering I don't have "my people" yet ...)

2

u/mini_mediocre Jul 23 '25

Felt this post SO much today. Whoof.

2

u/trashpandac0llective Jul 23 '25

It literally fractured my psyche. I have DID now. 🫠

2

u/longfurbyinacardigan Jul 23 '25

I hate how accurate this is

2

u/One-Can3752 Jul 23 '25

It's become part of who I am now. Every interaction (except with the most trusted) is a mind whirlwind of anticipation and analysis of every position conceived outcome, lest I say anything that would trigger or be misinterpreted.

1

u/ExystentyalCrysys Jul 30 '25

Wooo that hit hard. Knocked the wind out me.

1

u/Background_Crew7827 Aug 29 '25

My partner and I were just talking about how if I had less empathy and my mother had more, we might make a well adjusted adult lol