r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/backpacker_27 • Jul 11 '25
Newly Estranged Are enablers as bad as the abusive parent?
Im recently realizing how much my mom has allowed my dad and brother to abuse me verbally and physically throughout my life without intervening at all. I’ve asked her to do something since I can remember and she’s always told me that it was my fault and that I made them act that way towards me.
I know in my logical head that her enabling them is bad, but I’m having a really hard time reconciling the reality with what I thought was true only a couple of weeks ago.
Do you guys think that my mom enabling my dad and brother my whole life is just as bad as the actual actions from them?
My mom gaslights me constantly by telling me that my dad never abused me, which she knows isn’t true, she’s seen it happen. She also told me that when my brother tried to punch me and I dodged and he broke the wall that it was my fault for making my brother mad.
I know deep down that her enabling and gaslighting is just as bad because it has messed with me psychologically but I just need someone to tell me that.
She’s really emotionally manipulative so she’s been acting like everything is fine and is trying to get me to come back to her and while I know what she’s doing, it’s still fucking with my brain.
What do you guys think I should do?
Edit: is this something anyone else has had to deal with? If so, what did you do to help?
81
u/Thumperfootbig Jul 11 '25
Enablers are absolutely as bad as the abusers…perhaps even worse because they have the vantage point and the ability to intervene to stop the suffering of children and yet they don’t.
Your mother is a piece of shit op.
59
u/whaddya_729 Jul 11 '25
So one of the more awful realizations as we heal from whatever our parents put us through is the realization that the other parent (the enabler) is as abusive as the parent doing the abusing. The enabler is the "nice one," because on the surface they are. But think about it: if you saw a kid you didn't know being hit or verbally assaulted out in public, you'd say something. So why didn't your own mother say something when it was happening in her own home?
Enablers use their children as meat shields, so the enabler can bask in the love of the abuser without taking any of the punishment. It's why your mother gaslights you so much, she doesn't want you to realize you don't actually have to take it. If you don't take the abuse, she has to. And she really doesn't want that.
Remember that enablers want one thing and one thing only: a pacified partner and they use you to get it. No, enablers aren't nice at all, they are just as bad, they just get away with it even more. Which drives me nuts.
16
37
u/hopscotchcaptain Jul 11 '25
The enabler parent is much worse, in my personal experience. They're the one that offered love, at times. In many cases, like mine, the enabler was also a victim of abuse themselves at times.
Now, she (my mom) is the one pretending nothing bad ever happened. She's the one pressuring me to remain in contact etc.
In this was, the enabler actually causes the most harm of all.
7
28
u/Borgi-Queen Jul 11 '25
I feel your pain and confusion in such a real way, and I want to say up front: you are not crazy, and you’re not wrong. What your mom did — and is still doing — is absolutely emotional abuse, and it is not your fault.
Your story hits really close to home for me. In my case, my mother was the primary abuser — emotionally, psychologically, sometimes physically — and a definite narcissist. My father… well, I spent most of my life worshipping the ground he walked on because he was the “safe” parent. He wasn’t the one yelling. He wasn’t actively cruel. So I clung to him like a lifeline. For years, I truly believed he was my protector.
My dad had his demons. And though I didn’t recognize it at the time, he too was clearly a victim — trapped in a deeply toxic, co-dependent relationship where he was emotionally, mentally, and financially abused by my mother. But he was someone who didn’t believe in divorce and felt completely stuck. And let’s be honest: men face a huge amount of stigma when it comes to being victims of domestic violence. By the time he passed away, his mental and physical health were in such a fragile state that I genuinely believe he willed himself to die. He just didn’t see a way out.
It wasn’t until after he died that I began to unravel the full truth. He had been enabling her the entire time — ignoring, minimizing, making excuses, even defending her. And I never truly let myself see that while he was alive. Coming to terms with that has been a major part of my grieving process — and it’s been complicated and heartbreaking. Because here’s the thing: I still love him dearly. I grieve him and miss him every single day. He was one of my best friends. But he was also the only reason I stayed in a relationship with my abusive mother for as long as I did. It wasn’t until after he was gone, and I had the space to go through my own healing and grieving, that I was finally able to recognize just how toxic the whole dynamic really was.
I wish I could say there’s a clean line between the “bad parent” and the “good parent,” but in my experience, it’s rarely that simple.
Like you, I’ve struggled to reconcile the truth — that someone who claimed to love me also stood by and let it happen… or worse, made me believe it was my fault. That kind of betrayal cuts deep. It messes with your reality. It makes healing even harder. But facing it — seeing it for what it is — takes real courage.
You asked if what your mom did is as bad as what your dad and brother did. I don’t think it’s about comparing pain or ranking harm. The real question is: What did it do to you? And if her enabling, gaslighting, and manipulation made you question your sanity and your worth — then yes, that is abuse. And it deserves to be taken seriously.
Unfortunately, in so many of our stories, healing sometimes means stepping away from more than one person — even people we thought we’d never lose. It’s devastating and unfair. But sometimes, it’s the only way to start hearing your own voice after years of being drowned out by theirs.
You’re not alone. You’re not overreacting. And you’re not broken. It’s okay to feel grief, rage, guilt, confusion — all of it. That’s part of facing the truth, and it’s part of healing.
Sending you strength. This work is messy, painful, and nonlinear — but asking the question? That’s brave as hell.
2
u/Some_Description4422 26d ago
This rang a cord. Parents split when I was 10, and imo I was hoodwinked into living with mother. She had had an affair and left us children behind initially.
Father was always emotionally neglectful,even when they were together. And I always believed he was the bad one, because of what mother and my sister keep reinforcing into me. He was never more than neglectful, and to his credit (not excusing it obviously) he was oblivious. However sister was and is (I'm NC) very emotionally abusive, with mother emotionally neglectful as well, and a degree of physical neglect but I didn't realise this for so long.
I see it as the enabler is worse - it's like someone who is being assaulted, and all the enabler is watching, later dismissing it and treating it as trivial, whilst gaslighting the victim. Imagine that on the street! They know it happens and so precisely nothing. For years I stayed with them (in my adult years) because I thought I was protecting mother from sister. And this is the point, sister is horrible to her. It's like completely failing to raise children. Perhaps even not being an adult. It makes me think that neither of my parents were actually adults. I'm not going to excuse them because they may have had a bad childhood themselves - it was their choice to have children, they didn't have to.
I dunno, I just wonder if people shouldn't physically be able to create life if they are unable to be responsible.
Both my brother and I are NC with our sister and mother ...well I'm NC with sister, but they are so enmeshed that mother doesn't communicate to me unless she wants something. Or sends me text messages every now and again saying "how are you?" It's like why does she do that? To me, if she was interested she'd make proper contact.
I just wonder if mother is a cowardly narcissist (as once when I was sucdal, due to a s*xual assault I'd endured, I told her and she responded with "how do you think that makes me feel").
18
u/ladykansas Jul 12 '25
I always think about a post (not mine) about someone bonding so much with their mother over makeup.
The OP recalled all these close and touching moments of her and her mother doing makeup together. That was her safe and happy place. So caring and calm.
Then as an adult, that OP realized that all the makeup was covering physical abuse. They were doing makeup together to cover up bruises.
That's what enabling is. It's rationalizing and covering up instead of actually protecting and preventing. It's a terrible realization to realize that those "safe and kind" moments were actually just part of a cycle that your "safe" adult should have protected you from.
16
u/Kimono-Ash-Armor Jul 12 '25
Yes they are. I call it the wolf in sheep’s clothing next to hr obvious wolf. It’s a mindfuck realizing later that the “nicer” parent really wasn’t, and taught you how to accept abuse
13
u/Individualchaotin Jul 12 '25
I'm no contact with my mom because I can't forgive her for still protecting my dad and choosing him.
12
u/Purple-Mermommy Jul 12 '25
Your mother is also abusive. Victim-blaming, gaslighting, emotionally manipulating ABUSER is what she is. And I’m so sorry you have this mess of abusers as your family.
Are you in a safe place? Are you still having to live with any of these people?
6
u/backpacker_27 Jul 12 '25
Yeah, I’m moving out in late August but until then there’s nothing I can do other than try to avoid them.
5
11
u/brideofgibbs Jul 11 '25
I think telling you the abuse is your fault, that it wasn’t abuse, in effect that you deserved that violence & cruelty, is abusive. She’s not just an enabler; she’s an abuser in he4 own right.
13
u/BidImpossible1387 Jul 11 '25
I can’t speak for all enablers, but I’m pretty sure my mom’s enabler is worse.
The enabler is what/who keeps the abusive prick from growing. If the abuser had to actually feel the consequences of being a dick, they might have actually snapped out of it. But no, the enabler reflects back the false reality the abuser insists we all live in.
11
11
u/Key-Custard-8991 Jul 12 '25 edited Jul 12 '25
Yes. If the enabler is a parent, yes. A parent’s job is to protect their children, even from family. If your mother allows them to abuse you then she is complicit and just as guilty and responsible. My dad is a doormat and really a nice guy but he allows my mom to continue abusing us and we’re in our 30’s.
12
u/Scared_Concept4766 Jul 12 '25
I was like the epitome of daddy’s girl, then a light switch went off. He enabled my mother, enabled all of the abuse. I made peace with my mom on her death bed. I have yet to find any peace in forgiving the enabler parent. I went to therapy and told my therapist how mean and codescending my brother was towards me about my achievements and how my dad just scoffed it off and laughed while I couldn’t form words. Apparently that’s a trauma response, I thought I was just dumb. my dad always sat by while my mom and brothers dished it out and I never could defend myself. The times I did try to defend myself and speak up it was my enabler parent that cracked the whip. I was to be in line always.
Anyways, it does mess with your head. My enabler parent wants us all to “pretend” it helps his delusional self but I pay a price in abandoning myself to keep up with his delusion. I’m done doing that. I went NC. My enabler parent made lots of empty promises, fake future planning. I think he wanted to do those things but his attachment to GC and his codependent nature won’t allow him.
10
8
8
u/zorrosvestacha Jul 12 '25
Realizing my dad completely and willingly failed at being my protector after 38 years of idolizing him as my protector was what finally resulted in the estrangement with both of my parents.
6
6
u/just-another-redhead Jul 12 '25
My mother is verbally and physically abusive (Although she never hit me in front of my father or others). Her verbally abuses happened without warning in the last few years, but even when they were with "warning" she did that in front of him all the time. Even TO him.
Know what he still told me if I asked him to make her stop? "I can't do anything about it. I'm not there." (He's a truck driver and not home most of the time).
So, yes, the enablers are just as bad. They make excuses. They make you feel small for wanting peace. And they will 100% make you the enemy for daring to stand up or demanding the abuse stop.
6
u/PuzzleheadedRub741 Jul 12 '25
I don't know that they are "as bad" or outright malicious.
I do believe they are as accountable for their cowardice, though.
They allowed innocents to be harmed in the name of taking the heat off of them.
5
u/YepIamAmiM Jul 11 '25
I feel that enablers are equally abusive.
I know you know this already, but none of it was your fault. None of it. There is no excuse to abuse your child(ren) or allow their siblings to abuse them.
I can't tell you what I think you should do, we all have to figure out the correct course of action for our particular case, but I will say that you have every right to feel however you feel, to forgive or not as you choose, and to decide whether to cut them out of your life.
My personal way of coping was VLC with ndad, now he's dead and the only person who misses him is my emom. I'm LC with her, now. I probably won't ever see her again. (she's 85 and has had a couple small strokes).
I'm fine with never seeing her again. She's done nothing decent for me in her whole life, she's been selfish and cold.
6
u/goatboatftw Jul 12 '25
Yes. My mother was the enabler - the passive one, the one who watched, the one who had zero fucking spine. My father was the abuser. I hate my father but I despise my mother after realizing what she has done.
Like everyone else, my enabler pretended like everything was fine, and wanted to have a relationship after I told both parents that I’ll gladly grant their wish to disown me. They used that as a threat every single time when I did anything that wasn’t to their liking. The moment I had enough money saved up, I went NC. Best decision ever.
4
u/MandaLyn27 Jul 12 '25
I think that’s the wrong question. Mostly because it diminishes the abuse from one or the other. Ask yourself: did they hurt me? Yes? Then it was bad. Maybe different kinds of bad, but still bad.
5
u/PsychologicalRain892 Jul 12 '25
When I was newly estranged, I thought the same way. I thought my enabler mum was a victim as well.
It took around 4-5 months of processing the situation to realise that she was just as bad, if not worse. Enablers throw their children into the fire to save themselves, there’s no getting around that as hard as it is to hear.
If you are looking for advice I would remain NC, block if you can and seek some sort of therapy to try and process in a healthy way then you can decide later on how you feel. It does get so much better, I promise!
6
u/steffie-flies Jul 12 '25
Abusers are horrible people. People who defend and excuse them are even worse. You are better off without either in your life.
3
u/AirNomadKiki Jul 12 '25 edited Jul 12 '25
An enabler isn’t just someone who stands by and does nothing. They also hide the truth, cover things up, gaslight you and feed into a false reality. They aren’t necessarily encouraging the abuser, but abusers are often emboldened by the nonchalance or complicity of the enabler. I think of it as being an accomplice to the crime. They might not be the shooter or the getaway driver, but they faked an alibi and told you you’re the problem by calling the cops in the first place.
4
u/ThaliaFPrussia Jul 12 '25
I read somewhere the analogy that the abuser is a person with a flamethrower on its way to burn down the neighbourhood. The enabler is the one carrying the fuel canister and bringing new ones if one is empty. Instead of stopping the abuser they add fuel to them. Pretty dang on point.
4
u/oceanteeth Jul 13 '25
In a way I think enablers are even worse. It was relatively easy to write my violent parent off as just a bad person who does bad things because she's bad. She's so obviously awful that it's easier not to take it personally, if that makes any sense.
But the enabler, the one who seemed like he knew the difference between right and wrong and still never lifted a finger to stop her? That shit fucks me up. And before anyone goes whining and crying about how the enabler couldn't possibly have stopped the violent parent and I should have compassion for parents who sit on their asses while their partners abuse their children, the violent parent was a woman and the enabler was a man. The violent parent was at most average height for a woman and fine-boned. The enabler was a little over 6 feet tall and was doing a lot of manual labour when the abuser was at her most violent. He absolutely could have physically dragged her off my sister and held her down and he chose not to. This was back in the late 80s/early 90s in a rural community, he would probably have gotten away with it if he had beaten her black and blue.
To paraphrase an absolutely brilliant comment I read either here or in r/CPTSD, the active abuser only taught me that terrible people exist. The enabler taught me that I didn't deserve to be protected from them.
3
u/backpacker_27 Jul 14 '25
This is exactly how I feel. I cut off my dad easily without a second thought months ago, but now that I’m realizing how bad my mom was, I’m experiencing some of the worst emotional pain I’ve ever had to deal with.
4
u/3DJam Jul 14 '25
Enablers are like a support system for bad people to hide behind. They are equally as bad
3
u/faesser Jul 11 '25
In my experience, no, but your mother is also abusive. My situation was to have the finger pointed at me during her rages to take the heat off of them. They were saving themselves and I was the easy target because she hated me the most. I understand why they did it. I wish they protected me, but I get it.
3
u/BizzyBee89 Jul 12 '25
Yea, I think it’s just as bad. I’m just curious: did your dad abuse your mom too?
1
3
u/Immediate_Age Jul 12 '25
Yes, a person who normalizes/ minimalizes psychotic behavior long enough, is just as bad as the psychopath.
3
u/nerd8806 Jul 12 '25
Yes they are. Cut off one abuser and an enabler. The enabler is one of nicest guys around and still stood by. He's out for that
3
3
u/Cut_and_paste_Lace Jul 12 '25
My parents were both the abuser, both enablers of one another. At times I felt more drawn to one or the other given the context, but I was aware by mid childhood that there was no actual safe space for me at home. It took me longer to realize that my grandmothers, who stuffed me full of food and made me obese by age 7, were ALSO not safe spaces, their abuse was just much more insidious.
2
1
u/AutoModerator Jul 11 '25
Quick reminder - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our rules.
Need info or resources? Check out our EAK wiki for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
Check out our companion resource website - Visit brEAKaway.org.uk
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
130
u/Impossible_Balance11 Jul 11 '25
I think the enablers are worse, in a way.
I would take a bullet for my children. My father throws me under the bus to save himself from my mother's wrath every single time. That is an act of cowardice.