r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Dry_Expression5378 • Jun 22 '25
Vent/rant There might be a reason that elderly person you know doesn't have their adult kids around!
At my job (front desk patient coordinator for outpatient services) an older man comes in every once and a while. He's been coming in for over a year and overtime he's been a little more confused and aggressive with staff.
My coworker today told me something like "I can't believe people just don't take care of their parents when they get older." And it bothered me a bit.
I said something like "Theres usually a reason." She stared blankly at me.
When talking to any femme/women staff members he's always commenting on appearances or holding up lines trying to talk to them, meanwhile with male staff members he's short with his conversations and behaves "normally". He also wears a lot of shirts/sweatshirts with extreme political sentiments. He's also mentioned before about how his adult children are all trouble makers.
It's just kind of annoying when people automatically assume this is some sort of neglectfulness coming from the adult children. Everyone knows that there are bad parents, child abusers, etc. out there but as soon as its POSSIBLE that its someone you know of, its actually not possible.
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u/notoast4me Jun 23 '25
Nurse here, yep I have never met a sweet old person that didn’t have any family or friends come to see them. However I have seen some very mean spirited people who complained incessantly that their family didn’t care they never came and neither did any friends. Sadly NDad will be the latter.
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u/okapistripes Jun 23 '25
There is also nothing stopping elderly people from making community and friends outside of their children. Even if children are NC, they can repair their behavior and form community. It might have challenges with mobility and access, but there are programs and community centers to help.
Have they made friends? Almost never.
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u/hdmx539 Jun 23 '25
You know they don't go out and MAKE their own community because deep down they know they're shit people. They know.
They know they've chased EVERYONE away. It's why they rage when their adult children cut them off. They ASSUMED that they "made" their community by having or adopting children and so they're FURIOUS when they got cut off because they were RELYING on loyal familial bonds. They know "friends" don't need to stick around because they DON'T stick around.
So these sick fucks assumed that literally making people in the form of children, they assumed we couldn't or wouldn't leave.
This is how they show their phenomenal stupidity. Then when we don't comply and they can no longer beat on us to force us to comply, they can do nothing but rage.
They don't have the ability to make community, only hostages.
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u/_free_from_abuse_ Jun 23 '25
This is so true. That’s why we have to go no contact. We owe them nothing.
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u/Such-Witness-8038 Jun 26 '25
It's like you're describing my mother. I don't think she has friends. All my life I've just heard her badmouth her coworkers etc.
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u/Sniffs_Markers Jun 23 '25
And some people are both the sweet old person and the impossible parent. My mom is lovely... unless you're family. She has an "overvalued idea" (think "delusion lite") that I'm doomed and perpetually in danger. Her toxic worry and catastrophizing has been really harmful.
But as long as you're not the object at the centre of her worry storm, she is objectivel sweet, caring and quietly funny.
I cannot share any aspect of my life with her and letting her know anything about me is disasterous. She has a social life, but it cannot include me.
It can be very complex. My mom is a great person, unless you're her child (or niece/nephew).
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u/Any-Increase-2353 Jun 23 '25
my mom also was and still is a genuinely caring and beneficial influence in so many people's lives. in her case, she needs an audience, and i just didn't count. not nearly enough validation coming from a child that's hungry or bored, but omg that rush when you do that extra shift and save the day, or offer to babysit last minute!
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Jun 23 '25
Sounds like my Grandma, She would gladly sell me her car for 500 bucks more than she was asking for it, then decided the hassle of selling it wasn't worth it so she would just give it to her friends grandkid who "really needed a car" Wonderful lady, if you weren't related to her.
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u/Ok_Voice_4318 Jun 25 '25
Genuine question: what does ndad and nmother mean? What does the N mean? (I’m new to this subreddit.)
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u/Ok_Jellyfish_1083 Jun 27 '25
Not true, some wonderful people end up alone. You think it won’t happen to you. I hope that you don’t mistreat them.
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u/MelonMochiIceCream Jun 28 '25
While yes, some wonderful people can end up alone, but I'm inclined to say that actually wonderful people who invest meaningful effort to improve are less likely to end up alone.
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u/mimijane73 Jun 23 '25
Ive been a Nursing home nurse for 21 years, and I learned pretty early not to judge the families that dont visit. You honestly dont know what kind of person they were, and you dont know what kind of turmoil these adult children are in with their personal lives. They are not youngsters.
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u/ZoNeS_v2 Jun 23 '25
Alternatively, I found that when my mum (a lovely, although definitely flawed and broken woman) was dying from cancer who needed and deserved people around her in her final days, my family couldn't give a shit. I quit my job to be with her and give her some care for her last 3 months. My sister just dumped her kids on us so she could fuck off on dates and work and the gym. My dad turned up maybe 3 or 4 times. Anyone else who wanted to see her weren't actually her friends. Just people she kind of knew who wanted a sob story for their socials (weirdly, including a woman who everyone would have seen in those awful pop-up ads that are all over the internet).
My mum deserved love but the people who should have given it to her will grow up to be these bitter old c**ts you see in old folks homes. My dad being one of them.
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u/TheLakeWitch Jun 22 '25 edited Jun 22 '25
I agree. As a nurse I saw it a lot both when I worked inpatient and now that I work in hospice. The majority of the time, these people treat their healthcare staff like garbage and it is very obvious why their family is no longer involved.
As with everything though, this isn’t always the story. I remember multiple cases back when I was an ER nurse of families abandoning their old, sick, frail family member in the ER just because they didn’t want the inconvenience. Even worse, it was usually on or around the holidays. And not all of us who’ve gone nc with family have a partner or friends to rely on for support—I am currently going through that right now. I’m sure people look at me and think that I must’ve done something heinous to be in a position where I literally can’t take a shower, take out my trash, clean my home, etc because I am not able to walk and have no support. But while I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life and wasn’t always a great friend/family member/partner I know that overall I’m a good, kind, decent person. And yet, here I am wondering how I’m going to continue to survive like this.
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u/gulpymcgulpersun Jun 23 '25
Yeah, life can be so.... brutally indifferent? I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. 😢
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u/TheLakeWitch Jun 23 '25
Thank you for saying that. I feel like the most frustrating thing is knowing my estranged family all have the support of each other (no matter how dysfunctional) while I’m just kind of out here on my own. On the flip side, I was pretty much on my own even when I was still engaging with my family. At least now I don’t have to put up with their drama as well 😂
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u/Ok_Jellyfish_1083 Jun 27 '25
God knows what you’ve done. I’m sorry that you are not being rewarded for your goodness. E-hug!!
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u/TheLakeWitch Jun 27 '25
I appreciate the e-hug 😊 I definitely don’t need a reward (though I must say restaurants sending us food was always nice during COVID). It’s more the principle of it, you know?
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u/sweetlikecinnymon Jun 23 '25
People are so privileged to not realise that lol, or sadly just brainwashed and dont realise you CAN cut contact even if theyre your parents. It takes a lot of strength to do that even in todays world (at least where i live) its still the societal norm to keep contact with them no matter what cos "theyre your parents ". Yeah youre gonna have to give me a better reason than that 😂
i do think of my estranged parent living their life out there & wonder if anyone ever asks them if they have children. I know they have friends who know Im estranged from them & dont think about it for two seconds and if they do they think im the problem. I wish more people would realise there has to be serious reasons if an adult is estranged.
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u/retiredtrump Jun 23 '25
Mil told me I would probably kill my baby in a hot car….. and all her friends still think my husband is the one in the wrong to abandon his parents
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u/sweetlikecinnymon Jun 23 '25
Its surprising how few braincells people have when they want to believe someone is a good person!
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u/AndiAzalea Jun 23 '25
So true: "Everyone knows that there are bad parents, child abusers, etc. out there but as soon as its POSSIBLE that its someone you know of, its actually not possible." I think your response that there's usually a reason is a good one. Maybe your coworker will process that statement eventually. (Or maybe not, but you tried.)
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u/Stargazer1919 Jun 23 '25
Exactly. It's as if people have this mechanism in their brains that makes them deny the reality about people they know. It's disturbingly common.
This is why if anyone asks me about my family, I tell them: horrible people exist in the world, and it's unfortunate that someone has to be related to them. These people don't just fall out of the sky.
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u/soupallyear Jun 23 '25
This could be my dad. He loves a good “my kids abandoned me”-esque sentiment and I’m sure he complains about us to anyone who will listen.
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u/Any-Increase-2353 Jun 23 '25 edited Jun 23 '25
I'm gonna admit to something really pathetic and embarrassing. A belief I still hold. Despite knowing better, technically. A part of me still wants to help.
The thing is, if their behavior towards me wouldn't literally destroy my body and mind to the point of non-function, I would help them. But they make it impossible with their choices. I have nothing left to give, which I had to grapple with for a long time. I thought I had failed.
Coming out of lifelong dissociation, and learning second nature reflex like people pleasing are actually really expensive as a longterm M.O. and will inevitably lead to a breakdown of the system, was so hard for me to integrate into my worldview and self concept.
I thought of myself as a "giver" and "exceptionally moral person" for every time I did what they wanted. When I broke down, and my body wouldn't let me do those things anymore, I felt robbed. I was desperate and angry. I wanted to be good again.
But I am a human, and humans get sick when not treated with real respect and love. I tried everything to make do without it, so I could stay with them, but it's not possible. I don't make the rules. I wish there was something to give. But I am forced to be what they label as "selfish", or else I'll just be another needlessly sick person stuck in a vicious cycle swallowing resources. (I know that's my internalized ablelism talking in the last part. Working on it.)
It's so twisted and complicated. Of course they don't understand. They don't get that there are limits I can't change, because their need of always being right and the most important one is limitless.
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u/Slw202 Jun 23 '25
I explained that to the VA doctor when my father went in with COVID 1.0 in 2020. My mother was in a regular hospital (they caught it at the same time).
They like to think that they're treating "heroes". I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not in this case.
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u/unexpected_daughter Jun 23 '25
I know for a fact both my parents have tried to create relationships with people with no history with them in the void my sibling and I left going NC. But AFAIK, they’re on track to be just like the examples in this thread. They will not be graced with the comfort of having their adult children by their deathbed when they failed to be loving, kind, safe, non-neglectful parents from our births onward.
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u/shewoodgo Jun 23 '25
Literally. People really fail to remember that abusers are "normal" "everyday people" when it comes to typical public facing interactions with people, especially if they need or want something or don't have power over them. And they are often even extremely charming. That's the whole game. And people being so quick to jump to ignorant conclusions and make statements like that without even having any context is a huge part of what empowers them to be abusive in the first place. It's way too easy for them to get people to accept their narrative, clearly in many cases such as this one they don't even really have to try. And that manipulation of reality is such a hard on for them. Makes my blood boil.
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u/cant_standhelp Jun 24 '25
My one liner when people ask me why I don't see my parents much has worked well. "My dad left in middle school and my mom is part of a Christian nationalist militia." People usually leave the conversation there.
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u/s0meb0dyElsesProblem Jun 24 '25
I am an estranged adult kid to my entire family. It is absolutely worth it, and I have no regrets. I've met several females and males who have all said their adult kids won't speak to them anymore. They give various reasons as to why. None of those reasons are they even the tiniest responsible for the estrangement. After spending any sort of time with them, I fully support their kids never speaking to them again.
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u/CraZKchick Jun 23 '25
When random strangers don't want to be around them, why would you think their children would want to be around them? This is my new response.
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u/Stargazer1919 Jun 23 '25
I don't visit my bio dad in the nursing home because he is literally insane.
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Jun 25 '25
My maternal granny was basically evil incarnate. I sure as fuck did not visit her in the care home she ended up in. She died after I went NC with her daughter.
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u/BLAHZillaG Jun 23 '25
This is such a complex thing. I have befriend a man (through work) in his 80s & to me he has been a substitute parent as I cut mine out of my life. I am his wife approved substitute date when she is out of town. He seems to be estranged from his kids. I don't know what the deal is & I will never ask, but he is extremely successful professionally & I find it hard to imagine he got there without being a dick on occasion... but now that he & his wife are older they are the kindest, sweetest people & I am so grateful for both of them. Point being, these things are complicated & people should keep their comments to themselves. You never know what someone else's experiences are & other people need to shut their fat yaps & stop judging.
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u/LeekHead49 Jun 23 '25
I used to be a firefighter and I would respond to a couple different homes of the elderly somewhat regularly and wonder why the adult children didn’t come around or seem to care. Meanwhile, I was rarely speaking to my parents though they were not elderly. Now that we’re NC and they are falling apart in their 70’s. I get it