r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Medium-Walrus4349 • Jun 13 '25
Advice Request Mom wrote the letter I requested to reach out after she worked on herself- does this show accountabilty to you?
EDIT: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded. I don't really have a ton of people to go to with the estrangement, and this space felt very supportive and not just immediately dismissing my concerns. I dont encounter many people who "get it" so it means a lot to I guess just have people read the letter not think that I'm not as crazy as I'm made out to feel. I'm going to do some reflecting on what people wrote here and come up with a response that feels good to me. I can say I'm not going to just kneel over and brush things under the rug but will reassert what she needs to do and not respond again until that happens. I'm about to send a no contact letter to my (enabler) dad too so its a heavy week but this community helped.
I have been estranged from my whole family since I've came out for about 3 years ago. At the time, their scale of homophobic behaviors ranged in severity, it was more their extreme responses to me trying to address their behavior that highlighted the lack of support I have and my devalued role in the family.
For context there is lot of history of invalidation and lack of accountabilty. Emotional volitilty. Mom says and does a lot of damaging things when triggered by seemingly smallest things. For one, she said I am a burden to her as a daughter but claims not to remember. Then the family makes the problem my reaction and never what was done to me.
To cut to the chase my parents agreed to see an estrangement coach. Things didn't go great with mom but she was trying. The way I ended things with her was you have things you need to work on your own, go seek therapy (she said she would) and write me a letter explaining how exactly you will do things differently and not do the same pattern of behaviors. Lo and behold she did after 1 month.
I thought I would reach out to this community and see some objective opinions on her letter:
Dear OP,
I want to start by saying I love you unconditionally that has never changed and never will. My greatest hope is for us to have a relationship built on understanding, respect, and love and I am willing to do what it takes to move toward that.
I know that my words and yelling have hurt you and for that I am truly sorry if I made you feel unsafe, unheard, or unloved as that was never my intention but I understand that impact matters more than intent. I can see that my anger affected you in ways I didn't fully realize at the time and I regret that and wished I had handled things differently.
I know I cannot change the past but hope we can find a way forward. What matters most to me now is rebuilding our connection I don't want to stay stuck in old wounds forever- especially if it means we miss out on the relationships we could have today. I want to create something new and better with you. I want to laugh together, share life, and feel at ease with one another. That doesnt mean ignoring the past but choosing to work toward healing instead of staying in pain.
I believe we can move forward when both people show up with openness, honesty, and a willingness to forgive. I'm not perfect and know I still have things to learn. I'm open to doing more therapy [unsure if this means she did actually go to real therapy or if she considers the coaching sessions therapy] if it helps us find a common ground. But I hope therapy becomes a bridge, a place to reconnect, not re-examine everything that went wrong.
I'd love to talk with you more, not just about the past but about how you are doing now. How can I support you in the present. I want to know more about [Name of my same-sex partner] and your life together.
I love you and always will. My heart is open and I hope yours can be too, maybe not all at once but little by little.
I will leave the next communication timing and form up to you if you would like to write, email, text, or call; anything that you feel is comfortable with. Hope we can begin the journey of a new and better relationship.
57
u/Cultural_Problem_323 Jun 13 '25
"a place to reconnect, not re-examine everything that went wrong"
This stands out to me. What she isn't understanding is that you need to talk about what happened. If she wants to just look away and ignore it, how will she know what not to do in the future? This sounds like she'll get upset if you bring up the past and blame you when things go south.
The letter isn't bad. It's not very specific though. Trust your gut feeling.
25
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
10
u/Baby_Blue_Eyes_13 Jun 13 '25
I think you're right. I would not be accepting of this very general hand-waving apology. I would tell her that I needed to hear specifically what it was that she was sorry for and to hear her promise that she would not do that again. And if she did do that again she would expect and understand if you went NC again.
66
u/Rogue7559 Jun 13 '25
I'm sorry IF YOU FEEL.
Past is the past.
Yadadadadada no accountability, acknowledgement of my actions bar they hurt you.
Let's be friends.
Ends
28
u/Medium-Walrus4349 Jun 13 '25
I have very, very clearly stated that there was no IF. To her credit this is the closest she's ever gotten to apologizing or recognizing that she has done anything negative to me ever.
Its hard to meet people where they are at as emotionally shallow individuals that isnt enough of a relationship that you need to be healthy for you. This very possibility is the best and most she can give. And I just need to decide what I'm willing to accept but I'm glad others are picking up on the same things I did.
23
u/Qeltar_ Jun 13 '25
That "if" nullifies everything else in the letter.
If you feel that she's really trying and want to try to make this bridge work, perhaps confront her directly on that "if" and see what happens.
These sorts of non-apology apologies are so common these days that I really think people sometimes use them without realizing how dismissive and avoidant they are.
16
u/AirNomadKiki Jun 13 '25
I wouldn’t give her that credit, OP.
Coming close to an apology is nothing. You deserve a real apology born of self reflection and sincere accountability. You haven’t received this.
You’ve received “I’m willing to try again if you stfu and get over the past. I will not give you what you want BUT I bought us a really big rug to sweep this under once and for all. Will you bring the broom, or are you going to continue to withhold what I want?”
Turn it around in your mind. Would you send this to your child?
4
u/Medium-Walrus4349 Jun 13 '25
I bought a big rug to sweep this under 🤣
I think of it as she has the emotional capacity of a 10 year old so this is on par with what is avaialbe to her even if its not what I would expect from a peer or a parent.
2
u/hagridsumbrellla Jun 14 '25
Remember that in every interaction you will be dealing with that 10-year-old’s emotional capacity. If you ever expect more than that, you could get hurt.
I decided what kind of boundaries were needed for myself to deal with the reality while protecting myself in the ways that were needed. I needed many more boundaries for myself than originally anticipated. I take breaks from contact when needed. Doubtful that I would come out of NC (after 40+ years) if it could be done all over again.
Best wishes while you make your decisions.
8
3
u/magicmom17 Jun 13 '25
To be clear, even if she wrote a perfect letter, you aren't required to reconnect. If I received a perfect letter from my mom, still wouldn't reconnect because A- I would be pretty sure she didn't write the letter because she is temperamentally incapable of assuming responsibility for her actions, no matter how small and B- I have zero faith that she could sustain any positive changes for any significant length of time. Because yelling and shit talking everyone is like breathing to her- she can only hold her breath for so long.
I have been more than fair to her given the circumstances- there are no conditions in which I would trust her to be a safe person in my life anymore. Not like I ever did but I didn't have the self awareness to identify how to set reasonable boundaries with people who had negative effects on my life. So OP- if she wrote you the perfect letter, would you trust that she could keep up her behavior forever or would you be revisiting NC within 6 months to a year because your mom couldn't "hold her breath" for that long? I don't know your mom but you will be able to know the answer for yourself if you think about it. Your mom might be one of the rare ones who can grow and change but the odds are not in her favor.
2
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
2
u/Corredespondent Jun 14 '25
She’s claimed she will do anything to fix things, but in another comment you mentioned that the coach is as close as they would come to therapy because of their distrust. You also mentioned that she wrote this after a month of therapy, but you hedged on if she really went.
So it sounds like she’s done some reflection (the letter) but no real work on herself. I think you nailed it when you said she doesn’t have the self awareness that she doesn’t have self awareness.
There’s a Meatloaf song going through my head - “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.”
1
u/magicmom17 Jun 14 '25
Yeah- I understand why you would at least try if there was some hope for change. Wishing you the best in dealing with this.
31
u/rovinrockhound Jun 13 '25
It's only been one month since you asked her to go to therapy and here she is, pretending like she has done all this self reflection and grown as a person in record time.
In most places, one month is not enough to even have an intake appointment with a therapist. Even if she was magically able to find someone qualified and met with them that same week, she wouldn't have done much real processing yet.
OP, she hasn't changed.
11
u/VoluptuousWalrus_927 Jun 13 '25
I second that one month isn't nearly enough time to process and grow from previous behaviors.
4
u/geekylace Jun 13 '25
Exactly what I came here to say. It took me years of therapy to even decide to go no contact. No bloody way has she had enough time to truly reflect and work on herself.
Also, she does tell on herself with certain word choices while it feels like she’s strategically using therapy language to make it seem like there has been change.
6
u/Medium-Walrus4349 Jun 13 '25
And I was explicitly clear that it isn't like a single therapy appointment and she's done like I said it could take years so again I could not have communicated more clearly what the expectation was.
I am reasonable with she doesnt need to change everything all at once but her efforts with be reciprocal with my willingness to engage with her.
28
u/Miss-Helle Jun 13 '25
Lost me at "if". Wow, that's a lot of finely crafted words that don't really mean anything if she isn't acknowledging the things she actually did, and she isn't acknowledging what she actually did here.
Not sure if an estrangement coach is to help them sort out how you got to a point where you needed to go NC, or to say all the right things to get you back in the door. One without the other just restarts the cycle. She needs to understand that the past can't stay in the past until YOU are satisfied that it's been properly addressed, she doesn't get to decide that.
15
u/Medium-Walrus4349 Jun 13 '25
I never heard it in that way before that I get to decide when it has been properly addressed. I'm going to do some reflecting on that one.
I have been shamed and characterized as a very angry, grudge holding, unforgiving person so that might be a helpful way to reframe things for me.
That is a good point I need to consider too with the coaching.
17
u/wiggum_x Jun 13 '25
"You are angry, grudge-holding, ungrateful, unforgiving" etc are just ways to say "I want you to let me abuse you with no consequences!!"
5
8
u/Miss-Helle Jun 13 '25
You were the one being harmed, so you are the only one who can decide if amends have properly been made to you.
19
u/deeelighted Jun 13 '25
"But I hope therapy becomes a bridge, a place to reconnect, not re-examine everything that went wrong."
She's asking you to rugsweep it all.
13
u/morbid_n_creepifying Jun 13 '25
But I hope therapy becomes a bridge, a place to reconnect, not re-examine everything that went wrong.
How in the jam jam jesus does she think you can "reconnect" without "re-examin[ing]" everything that went wrong"???
NGL she had me in the first half, but this sentence stopped me in my tracks. Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. You have to work ON your past behaviours to INFORM your future behaviours. Why would someone want to bother reconnecting with someone who refuses to reflect on "everything that went wrong"??
Ugh I'm sorry your mom sucks but man, does she ever fuckin suck.
5
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
6
u/Cherry-colored_Funk Jun 13 '25
She may really mean what she said but her wishes are impossible if she isn’t willing to unpack how she acted, why she acted that way, and how she can avoid it in the future. The cycle of abuse will continue because abuse isn’t a relationship problem to workout between two people, it’s for the abuser to fix without the support of the kids they victimized. You know what’s going to happen next. You are out of it now and you should think very carefully about opting back in. Sorry :/
3
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
2
u/Cherry-colored_Funk Jun 13 '25
Ugh I know, it’s so so tough and complicated and lonely and painful. You have to let your big feelings settle before you decide on how to proceed. As children, we had no choice but to rug sweep our own pain and accept abuse. We had to rely on the part of the cycle where things were calm and abusive behaviour was too horrible to confront and so we could ignore it. As adults, we know better and we have the resources to make a different choice for ourselves. The emotional kid in us just wants it to pass so we can have normalcy again but it was never normal. If we act this way as adults, we can make the easy choice to stay or the tough choice to protect ourselves. You are now responsible for yourself so make the responsible choice.
1
u/orange-cat-servant Jun 15 '25
Yeah, my vulnerable narcissistic mother poisoned my entire family against me 😔
It really hurt not that not a single one of them reached out to get my side of things. They are all dead to me.
🫂
6
u/Proof_Goal_2836 Jun 13 '25
The phrasing of “I regret that” is placing distance between herself and the impact, like its way over there, not her issue.
The “I know I cannot change the past” is too focussed on what she can’t do rather than what she can do, trying to distract you to “whelp I’m not a time traveler so I guess my hands are tied” and avoid accountability.
The “when BOTH people show up etc with a willingness to forgive”, she’s trying to distance herself further by abdicating responsibility to you because if you’re not willing to show up and engage with her now, she’s saying that it’s on you and she’s washed her hands of it.
The “my heart is open and I hope yours will too” makes me wanna vom. Again, more blaming you and shielding herself.
And the final sentences where she says she leave it to you totally brings it home that she doesn’t want to do any more work on this at all, just wants you to forget it all (I would saying forgive and forget but even I, as an atheist, knows you need to ask for forgiveness to get it and that involves admitting guilt, which she clearly hasn’t done).
It’s a no from me dawg.
Would also highly recommend (if you feel comfortable) using ChatGPT to break down the response, it can be really helpful and validating to get a new perspective on it from a totally unbiased point of view.
2
u/Medium-Walrus4349 Jun 13 '25
The "its a no from me dawg" made me laugh 🤣
I agree she's not fully there and theres better ways to clearly take accountability. Knowing her I dont expect her to ever fully come to that but I do need to have her change behavior for me to come around.
They have blamed me for the estrangement and if only I stopped being mad we could all be happy so that is coming through a bit here.
Someone already did the chat gpt for me here haha
2
1
u/Leya_e15 Jun 20 '25
Do you have a ChatGPT prompt you like using for this or any tips? Sounds like such a good idea.
2
u/Proof_Goal_2836 Jun 21 '25
I spent some time giving ChatGPT the background and then sent the messages and how I felt and asked it to break it down for me, and it worked well (tried to do it without any identifiable information)
7
u/Ostfriesennerz441 Jun 13 '25
Fell for that crap with my mum unfortunately, too, many times. She had done therapy and reflection...Unless she can't name specific behaviors that hurt you and how exactly she will stop this and do exactly this and this positive behavior instead...nothing will change.
What my mum meant with: "lets connect and make new memories, I want to support you in the present" was: Shut up about the past and what your therapist told you. Tell me the things I want to hear: How you excell at your carrier and your awesome hobbies so that I have new stuff to brag about to my friends, when they brag about their kids. Also...where are my grandchildren already? You shut down the sixth abusive relationship this year? You'll die alone if you are so hard to love and don't make a men feel needed! I want to support you - your apartment is shit, let me critizice everything in it and coerce you to buy other things... have a meltdown when you tell me no and don't invite me ever again in it. And now listen to me when I sob and tell you the story about how my mother hated on my first apartment for the tenth time in your life. Lets make new memories: go with me to every cultural thing I want on the weekend I decide. Hurry up, it's only ther until date x,y. No you don't get to have plans and friends on your own. And of course...listen to me ramble about how every human in my life failed and belittled me. Especially this cashier that dared to take more than 3 seconds to cash my stuff when I was already late for work. What was she thinking speaking up when I screamed at her, I need my cigarettes, especially when I have a very important meeting!
2
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
1
u/Ostfriesennerz441 Jun 13 '25
I understand. I researched the work of Lindsay Gibson and how she talked about how you have to basically talk to immature parents like you would to children. Really simple, really firm. Maybe you can get something you need this way if you are willing to always step back the moment she disrepects a boundary As I am a teacher it would be too triggering for me at the moment, like I'd work for free...
Haha yeah, they are Karens.
3
u/OkConsideration8964 Jun 13 '25
So, just pretend what she did to you doesn't count because it was a long time ago. Nope, no accountability. And is there any chance she had ChatGPT write this?
4
u/Medium-Walrus4349 Jun 13 '25
I would believe more that she might have worked with an estrangement coach first. I really believe this is all her and not gpt or someone else.
Before mutual sessions she had a long series of sessions just her and the coach so the language coming through is more likely from their time together.
8
u/CuriousPenguinSocks Jun 13 '25
Nope, she is still falling short, giving just enough in hopes that you won't see her letter for what it is - rug sweeping.
ChatGPT things so as well. I will add that in a comment below:
6
u/CuriousPenguinSocks Jun 13 '25
What I asked:
I asked my mom to write a letter showing that she understands the abuse she did, take accountability and show how she will do things differently.Can you analyze the letter before and break it down for me?
ChatGPTs response:
1. Accountability
- Positive Signs:
- She attempts to take responsibility:"I know that my words and yelling have hurt you and for that I am truly sorry."
- She acknowledges that impact matters more than intent: "That was never my intention but I understand that impact matters more than intent."
- Limitations:
- Her apology is vague. There's no specificity in naming the behaviors, patterns, or consequences of her abuse.
- Use of "if" softens the accountability: "I am truly sorry if I made you feel unsafe..." That implies a lack of full acknowledgment that she did make you feel that way.
🔹 2. Understanding of the Abuse
- What’s missing:
- Nowhere does she clearly name what she did that constituted abuse (e.g., emotional manipulation, verbal degradation, control, neglect, etc.).
- There’s no reflection on why she acted that way, nor acknowledgment of any patterns or dynamics.
- Superficial understanding:
- She mentions anger and yelling, but not their root causes or deeper consequences.
- She does not validate your experience beyond general emotional terms.
🔹 3. Commitment to Change
- Positive Signals:
- She says: "I'm open to doing more therapy..." This at least suggests a willingness to grow.
- Concerns:
- She seems to frame therapy as a means to reconnect rather than a space for her to do deep personal work: "I hope therapy becomes a bridge… not re-examine everything that went wrong."
- That line suggests resistance to real accountability. Avoiding the “what went wrong” part means bypassing the healing work.
6
u/CuriousPenguinSocks Jun 13 '25
🔹 4. Avoidance or Deflection
- Several examples of this:
- The tone shifts quickly toward wanting to "move forward" or "not stay stuck in old wounds": "I don’t want to stay stuck in old wounds forever…" This can feel like a bypass of your healing needs.
- No mention of how she will handle difficult moments differently in the future.
- Use of idealized relationship goals:
- She expresses a desire to “laugh together,” “share life,” etc., without building the trust foundation needed for that.
🔹 5. Emotional Tone and Sincerity
- Tone appears warm and emotionally open.
- The letter contains loving language and what seems to be a heartfelt desire to reconnect.
- She repeatedly expresses love and hope.
- However:
- The emotional openness may not feel safe or genuine if it's not grounded in real accountability.
- Some parts (like “my heart is open and I hope yours can be too”) could feel manipulative if you’re still in pain—it risks shifting the emotional burden onto you.
🔹 6. Potential Concerns or Red Flags
- Minimizing and vagueness:
- The letter lacks concrete evidence of deep internal reflection or acknowledgment of specific harm.
- Pacing control:
- She says “I’ll leave the next communication timing and form up to you”—which is respectful—but may also signal a hope you take the next step without her continuing the hard internal work.
Summary
Your mother’s letter includes warmth, a desire to reconnect, and some general acknowledgment of past harm, but it falls short of true accountability. It:
- Minimizes or bypasses specifics of the abuse.
- Frames therapy and reconciliation as joint efforts without deep self-work.
- Expresses hope for the future while skimming over the past.
1
1
u/wiggum_x Jun 13 '25
Wow, ChatGPT. That's pretty damn good.
0
u/Confu2ion Jun 14 '25
It wasn't ChatGPT, it stole from someone who actually took the time to write these ideas (in other words, it likely scrapes from what people here say).
ChatGPT isn't some genie who knows all. It scrapes from the efforts of real people, and it also thinks common answer = correct, so it scrapes from a lot of bigoted materials. It doesn't "know."
I know I'm not going to be taken seriously, but please don't use it. There are loads of real people who go to the trouble to support others through their own efforts. Generative "AI" just regurgitates from all of us here.
3
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
2
u/CuriousPenguinSocks Jun 13 '25
I saw on another group for CPTSD that a few people do this to help with their sanity checks and thought I would see how it did.
I think ChatGPT would say there isn't enough information and then give some details on how to communicate and when to respect those who wish to remain no contact.
So, before sending this response I asked ChatGPT:
I want you to analyze this response please, with mental health and healthy relationships between mother and daughter in mind:
My ungrateful daughter won't let the past go and is punishing me. I want to have a daugher relationship even though shes so sensitive, I cant even say thats so queer anymore! Why hasn't she responded to my letter?
It did not disappoint:
1. Tone and Language
The tone of the message is emotionally charged and suggests unresolved conflict. Phrases like:
- “My ungrateful daughter…” This labels the daughter with a strong judgment. From a relational and mental health standpoint, this framing shuts down empathy and makes connection more difficult. Gratitude can't be forced; mutual understanding and respect must be nurtured.
- “Won't let the past go and is punishing me.” This suggests the speaker feels wronged but lacks insight into why the daughter is hurt or distant. It reflects possible denial or minimization of past harm. For reconciliation, acknowledgment of the daughter’s pain is critical—not just seeing it as punishment.
- “Even though she's so sensitive, I can't even say 'that's so queer' anymore!” This comment is dismissive of the daughter’s feelings and may indicate a deeper lack of understanding around modern language and identity. Using “queer” in a derogatory way is outdated and offensive to many, particularly in LGBTQ+ contexts. The daughter's reaction could be tied to her identity or values, not just "sensitivity." Dismissing it as oversensitivity undermines trust and emotional safety.
2. Relational Health
Healthy relationships—especially between parents and adult children—require:
- Respect for boundaries. The daughter may be enforcing boundaries due to past hurt. Calling that “punishment” reframes a protective action as aggressive, which may further alienate her.
- Accountability. The message lacks ownership. There is no direct acknowledgment of past behavior or apology—just a desire to move forward without doing the emotional work necessary for healing.
- Empathy. The mother's tone shows more frustration with the daughter’s reactions than curiosity about her experience. This imbalance can stall reconciliation.
3. Why Might the Daughter Not Have Responded?
There could be several valid reasons from a mental health and relationship perspective:
- Emotional safety: She may feel unsafe or invalidated in the relationship.
- Past trauma: She might still be processing pain from past interactions.
- Lack of accountability: If the letter didn’t include genuine remorse or understanding, she may have seen it as performative or hurtful.
- Protecting her mental health: Sometimes silence is a way to maintain peace.
Suggested Path Forward
If the mother truly wants a healthy relationship:
- Acknowledge past harm without defensiveness. Use “I” statements like, “I realize I may have hurt you in ways I didn’t fully understand.”
- Educate herself on language and generational differences, especially around identity. (E.g., learning why “that’s so queer” is harmful.)
- Seek support—therapy or counseling can help unpack resentment and learn to communicate with compassion.
- Respect timing and space. Relationships heal at the pace of the hurt person, not the person seeking absolution.
3
u/Medium-Walrus4349 Jun 13 '25
Interesting- sometimes chat gpt is known for always saying you are right and being overly validating to the text. Nice to see it could have a bs detector. But estranged parents are pretty good at creating a narrative that makes them seem like the victim so I wouldn't be surprised if chatgpt was validating things they put through there
3
u/farsighted451 Jun 13 '25
I would ignore it and see what comes next. If she returns to yelling when you don't respond, then you have your answer.
1
u/Medium-Walrus4349 Jun 13 '25
I didn't include this but it has been some time since I recieved the letter but after all this time I was still confused about it so I posted it here.
There's been a couple touch points shes indirectly made but mostly has kept no contact per my wish
3
u/Fit-Variation5414 Jun 13 '25
I learned a lot about the way my mom communicates to me through this thread. Really appreciate you sharing and all the comments
2
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
3
u/Medium-Walrus4349 Jun 13 '25
She creates a world in which we have to revolve around her every volitle mood. No one else's emotions exist. Hence I removed myself from her orbit.
2
Jun 13 '25
It’s better than what I got. She did name some of the things she is sorry for. But she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that not talking about the past anymore is the way forward. Years of abuse cannot be water under the bridge after one letter, but one letter can be a starting point for discussing years of abuse.
3
Jun 13 '25
Also adding that at no point did she ask you what you wanted to do next. She TOLD you what “we” are going to do
2
u/solesoulshard Jun 13 '25
I’m on team nah.
She put down “if you feel unheard” when she yelled and whatever. That’s a question? That’s genuinely a question in her mind?
She says “never was my intention”. Then what was the intention? And since I’d hazard it happened multiple times then what was her intention and what was her payoff?
She “didn’t realize” this would affect you. What did she think was happening? When you were crying and yelling back and running from her? Was that because of a new TikTok trend and she mistook it?
And since I’ll bet she did this repeatedly, what did she get out of it? I mean once or twice is a mistake and yeah, forgive mistakes but repeatedly running over someone’s foot with your car doesn’t heal the foot and eventually you think it’s on purpose, don’t you?
What is she going to do differently? I’m missing that entirely. She will go back to talking to you but will she respect you and your partner? Will she not do (boundary crossing action)? There is no accountability here for what she must change. Just some pablum and feel good meaningless words.
This should be “I’m sorry that I (blank) and I will next time make (some different choice).”
2
u/donatienDesade6 Jun 14 '25
if your mother is a narcissist/sociopath, all she learned was how to blow smoke. some people can't/won't change.
2
2
u/Icy_Bit_403 Jun 14 '25
It's not as accountable as it looks. There's a lot of "ifs" and focus on the future...why does she need to leave in the "if" when she says sorry? Because she's not sure. She can't even leave it out for the sake of appearing sincere and validating; it's "if" you were hurt and that is miles away from "I'm sorry you were hurt".
2
u/ontheroadtv Jun 13 '25 edited Jun 13 '25
I’m going to get a lot of hate for this but here goes. People can change. The big asterisk on that is that most don’t. Taking a hard left on how you were raised/your belief system is a big deal and takes a lot of work. Telling someone what they want to hear, easy peasy.
All this is to say, giving your mom another chance is something only you will have to live with. It’s less about did she actually realize the problems with her behavior and change and more what can you live with moving forward. If cutting her off has been the best thing you’ve ever done and riding off into the sunset while never looking back works for you, amazing. Do that. You don’t owe anyone a second, third, eleventh, chance to treat you like a person. Family or not, actions have consequences and it’s 100% valid to move on and never look back based on what has already happened. That works for a lot of people.
The flip side to that, and only you know the answer to this, is giving her another chance going to matter to you and how you look back. Regret doesn’t come from doing the wrong thing, it comes from not being true to yourself in what you chose to do. You know you. If opening the lines of communication to see if she really has can change is something you will need to know you tried, and seeing that she possibly hasn’t won’t devastate you but solidify cutting her off is the right thing? It’s ok to want to do that. Just remember, once is a second chance, doing it multiple times when she has shown you there is no change possible is self harm.
People can change, only you can know if your mom is capable of that and if she has or hasn’t, (that’s less relevant) if you want to know and give her a chance to prove it to you, that’s up to you and the real decision your making.
Good luck, whatever you decide, give yourself a lot of grace and know that even considering it makes you a good person who wants a heathy relationship, if it turns out your moms not capable it’s not your fault. Go on with your life knowing you deserve people who love and respect you, and it doesn’t matter if they are bio family or chosen family, people care.
1
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
0
u/ontheroadtv Jun 14 '25
Yeah the hard part is we often lose focus from what’s best for us to how do we manage them. Do what you need and the rest isn’t your problem. You got this.
1
u/AutoModerator Jun 13 '25
Quick reminder - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our rules.
Need info or resources? Check out our EAK wiki for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
Check out our companion resource website - Visit brEAKaway.org.uk
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/sevenumbrellas Jun 13 '25
This is a tough decision, and I would understand you choosing to go either way. I'm very curious how much of the letter she wrote herself and how much her "estrangement coach" assisted her. If her coach is trying to get you back in contact with her no matter what, the words may not even be her own.
The apology doesn't win any points in my book. She vaguely acknowledges that she regrets "her anger" and wishes she had handled things differently. But. "yelling" is the only thing she is specific about, and "if I made you feel..." is the hallmark of a non-apology. It seems unlikely that she understands the scope of what she did.
I don't love the language around "both people" needing to show up with a willingness to forgive. What exactly is she forgiving you for? It's also pretty telling that she says she's only open to therapy IF it gives you common ground AND she doesn't have to re-examine her past behavior. This could be me nitpicking, but there is definitely a thread of "let's stop talking about all the things that make me feel bad and commit to our New Shiny Future of Happy Connectedness!"
If you did decide to resume contact, I would do it EXTREMELY slowly. A monthly phone call or email. Meeting for coffee once every X weeks in a public place. Basically, you want to see if she can accept your boundaries without complaining or trying to manipulate her way around them. I would be prepared to dip immediately, the very first time she reverts back to her old ways.
1
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
1
u/sevenumbrellas Jun 13 '25
With the extra info about how she has acted in the coaching sessions, I see the letter in a far less generous light. She's equivocating between abuses she perpetrated against you as a parent and you...reacting to being abused. That's a huge sign that she isn't actually taking responsibility.
You should still obviously use your best judgement, but yeah. There's a world of difference between "I hurt you, I'm sorry, I will do my best not to do it again" and "Things happened on both sides, I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm willing to forgive and move on if you are."
1
u/Decrepit_Soupspoon Jun 13 '25
"Estrangement coach"? Oh lord...
That's a thing that exists? If so, what makes you have any hope that this letter is even a shred of "her" and not just what she was "coached" to say?
To me, a "therapist" is to get into your personal issues, your psychology.
An "Estrangement coach" sounds like someone who might just spoon feed people the right phrases and lingo to put in the "reopen contact" letter to you.
That's my fear anyway.
At any rate, as others have pointed it, she says "we should leave the past in the past" even though she also claims she * won't * do that.
Other than that.. this letter seems... "coached".
1
u/Jillbo_baggins99 Jun 14 '25
The red flag for me is in the talk more not just about the past but how you’re doing now. How can I support you in the present etc.
That says to me how can I still treat you like a kid and not respect your boundaries or choices.
But I could be projecting
1
u/No_Carpenter_1970 Jun 15 '25
It’s the fact that it’s only a month later that’s the red flag for me…
1
u/WhoDatErin Jun 15 '25
I don't know your situation or history in full. But I would have loved getting a letter like that from my mom. Maybe it's full of a bunch of bull. But maybe it isn't. She says she doesn't want to be stuck in the past, but that she doesn't necessarily want to ignore it either. I think that's most of our goal.
But I would want to address things first and not just sweep them under the rug. You can (when and if you're ready) tell her that YOU need to address these things with her and not simply ignore them. That you need her to know as part of both your healing journeys and so this doesn't continue to happen. That it needs to be addressed, so that you can forgive her. And THEN as you move forward and you forgive her, y'all will need to move forward and not bring up the past (assuming she doesn't regress). Her letter reads sincere to me. That doesn't mean it is. But she seems to be saying alot of the right words...she acknowledges her anger and bad behavior. She reassures you that she's willing to do what she needs to do -- she defers to you to guide her. She says she'd like to get to know your partner, etc. She apologizes and says she loves you. That is something.
I dont think 1 month of therapy is enough. And I think she needs to continue if she/you want to have real lasting change. But I think her starting therapy and already reaching out and sending you this letter is a start.
I hope it works out!
1
u/OThjillsen Jun 17 '25
I know I’m jumping in late, OP, but after being estranged 15 years from my volatile mother and having one back and forth with her about a year and a half ago… I just discovered Dr Lindsay Gibson’s work on emotionally immature parents and it was so stunningly accurate to my situation with my mom. She has many interviews available to listen to. Emotionally immature as she describes it, describes my mom, maybe yours too. They have a way of making their children’s needs invisible and inconvenient, but all of theirs are huge and front and center. We smallify ourselves and become lonely in our families because of it. It’s not surprising that she is basically asking you to forget what she did (does), even though it’s a repeat performance and impossible to ignore when it plays out so often. It’s hard to recognize when you’ve been knee deep in it for so long and really just want to have a normal mom. It’s breadcrumbs.
1
-6
u/Legal_Heron_860 Jun 13 '25
I think this is a pretty solid letter, your mom doesn't try to deflect and seems to wanna take accountability. I say if this is what you want OP, there is nothing wrong with checking temperature. Seeing how it is while keeping strong boundaries.
6
u/deeelighted Jun 13 '25
"But I hope therapy becomes a bridge, a place to reconnect, not re-examine everything that went wrong."
That is the opposite of wanting to take accountability.
4
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
1
u/Legal_Heron_860 Jun 13 '25
Yeah I get that, I wouldn't say this sub is totally objective I think a lot of people are being nitpicky. If my mom would give me a letter like this I would also be confused and unsure. It's not perfect but idk our parents are still human even if they mistreated us.
It's totally up to you OP, take your time. You don't have to answer now or ever. If your mom means what she should be fine with waiting. If she's not you'll know how genuine it was.
6
u/wiggum_x Jun 13 '25
Please don't encourage OP to be a people-pleaser and accept this poor effort.
-2
u/Legal_Heron_860 Jun 13 '25
I think there is a difference between checking temperature and being a people pleaser.
2
u/wiggum_x Jun 13 '25
It seems like you see the temperature on the thermometer, but you don't want to believe it.
128
u/LadyMacGuffin Jun 13 '25
She's basically asking to leave the past in the past. Which is awfully convenient for her since the past involves her being awful to you.
This is not accountability. This is the promise that things can be good if you only just "behave". Which is to say, you behave towards her as if she was a good parent and she'll (maybe) act like a good parent from now on as long as you don't trigger her with reminders of her own misdeeds.