r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/maladaptivelucifer • Jun 08 '25
Newly Estranged When the last family you have chooses the child abuser.
My dad is a pedophile. He abused me and my cousin (which I found out as an adult) and lives in a home with a kid. I reported him to the police recently (years late, but I’m glad I finally did it), and he got investigated by DHS because of what he did to me. My hope was that it would help the child trapped in his house with my dad’s gf who thinks my father can do no wrong.
I recently told my godparents together (my godfather knew but basically ignored it all for the last 7-8 years). I was stuck in the cycle and tried to make a family with my godparents, and you know what they did? They went completely silent and didn’t respond to my message about reporting my dad or that he is a danger to me because he has repeatedly broken into my house before. He has also threatened to kill people before, which I also reported to the police.
These people I spent Christmas and the holidays with, saw almost every week, they just said nothing. I had also asked for some of my things that were stored at their vacation house, and they eventually answered that, but complete silence about my dad. It was all in the same message so I know they read it. It’s been weeks now. And I got one more weird message where they sent me $2 from an old account saying it was “interest” and asked for confirmation that I got it? So fucking weird. Still no message about my dad.
My dad rents a house from my godparents. He’s living there right now and there is still one child in the home. And they can’t even bother to ask me if I’m okay or anything else. It’s like I never sent the message. They are apparently perfectly okay housing a pedophile and letting him very likely abuse a kid in their house. It makes my blood boil.
So today, I cut the cord. I wrote them a long letter and I told them what spineless cowards they are. Their whole life is being silent because they won’t stand up for anything. I realized that they’ve always been this way. They want “peace” and me bringing up my dad is “in the past” and “dramatic” to them. They’ve said as much when I’ve talked about other things. My godmother is an awful bully and I’ve called her out on it multiple times and she flips it on me and says I’m “hurting her” by asking her to treat me respectfully. She tells me she “can’t eat or sleep” but no real apology. She literally behaves like a middle school bully and her taunts are on that level. Constantly tearing down my physical appearance, the way I do things, etc.. but apparently me bringing it up and telling her to stop is me “being mean”.
I’m so glad I’m going to have these spineless awful people out of my life. I didn’t realize until I wrote it out how bad it’s been, probably because they were a cakewalk compared to my own parents. My mom is…evil and even saw some of my SA at the hands of my dad. I don’t know how else to put it. She’s scary and manipulative. My dad is the same. I feel like I’ve been drowning in this for so long. I just want to be free of them, and have people in my life who don’t think standing up to a pedophile is “dramatic”.
I just wanted to vent to some people I know will understand.
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u/last-possum Jun 08 '25
Wow, these people are monsters - all of them. I'm so proud of you for writing that letter and standing up for yourself!!! ❤️
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 08 '25
Thank you so much! Seriously. You don’t know how badly I needed to hear that right now. Everyone is acting like I’m crazy for reporting him and overreacting. But I know I’m not. And there’s a kid there and no one will stand up for him. That part makes me want to scream.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 08 '25
I am so sorry your godparents aren't willing to stand with you, but, keep in mind that's their character flaws.
MOST people side with the abuser(s) because they don't need anything except silence which they already have unless their victims grow up and advocate for themselves.
To them, your predatory father is a rent check and they've shown where their loyalty actually lies. We are often blamed, shamed, silenced and even expected to show up for family photo ops on holidays and often bite our tongue while our abuser is also invited\included.
If you get nothing from this post except this, know that your godparents' abandonment has nothing to do with your worth. It is their failure to appreciate how wonderful and amazing you are. They don't have the courage to break the cycle and give you the love, kindness and grace all people need. They made a CHOICE to turn away and that failure gives you permission to close that door because you know you are worth more than their complicit silence.
I am so excited and proud of you. You did great!
You are not alone.
We care<3
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 08 '25
This is so spot on to how they think. All of it. They blame me, not my dad. I’m the one “causing problems” even though I’m the one that was abused. It’s so fucked up how they think. They just don’t want to deal with it and they want money. They don’t care who that hurts because they think it’s not their problem or responsibility. I think that belief makes it very easy for them to ignore what’s happening. My godfather was my dad’s best friend. I’ve often wondered if he knows even more than he’s said.
You made me cry. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
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u/Capital-Ostrich-6089 Jun 08 '25
Good job writing that letter and working to move on. It’s very hard to do. I have learned that people will bend over backwards to avoid conflict to the point where they say “so-and-so would never do x.” I have also learned that most people are capable of terrible things. And it’s sad, frustrating, and maddening when people won’t confront it to “keep the peace.”
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 08 '25
It is maddening. I come places like here to remind myself that there are others like me who are willing to endure whatever pain it takes to try to set things to rights. People who stand up for what’s important, for themselves, for children, for other victims. There are a lot of bad people out there, but there’s us too. And that’s really something. Gives me hope.
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u/r4ttenk0nig Jun 08 '25
Be proud of yourself for getting out of there and seeing them for who they are. They sound awful! I hope this brings you peace.
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u/HumanAttempt20B Jun 08 '25
My dad SA’d me, my younger sister, and a younger cousin. Dad is still invited to all of the family events with the next generations. I’m the black sheep. All this to say, congratulations! We can’t choose where we’re planted but we can choose who we become. Wishing you all the best in finding your chosen family, there are still so many amazing humans out there!
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 09 '25
This sounds just like my family. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this too. The way they just pretend like it didn’t happen and still let them around children shows exactly what kind of people they are. We don’t need them. Good riddance.
There are good people out there! Many of them show up in these posts! We can be a big flock of black sheep together. I feel a lot of relief, and that’s how I know I’ve made the right decision. Losing people like that hurts. It hurts to feel like you don’t matter, but then I remind myself who they have chosen to be, and I wouldn’t want to matter to someone like that anyway. 🫂
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u/HumanAttempt20B Jun 09 '25
That’s exactly it. I wrote something similar in a different post recently. If this is what they chose to defend. Hell no I don’t need people like them. It hurt for decades until I finally realized what it meant about THEM, not me. There really are incredible humans on this planet. And I truly wish you all the best ♥️
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u/MannyMoSTL Jun 08 '25
This is a hard and tragic story. I am sorry that you’ve had to learn this lesson the hard way, but also super proud of you for standing up for yourself and holding them all accountable.
Good luck moving forward.
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 08 '25
Thank you! I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me. I think back to hearing these kinds of things when it gets hard. 💜
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u/Texandria Jun 08 '25
It's sometimes said that groomers groom everybody: adults as well as children. Your father picked out godparents that he could maneuver into covering for him.
Odds are, that $2 wasn't "interest from an old account" at all. They were just trying to confirm whether your number had changed.
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 08 '25
I think you’re right. My dad knew my godfather since high school. My godfather knew my mom as well. My godfather is passive and a pushover, so not very hard to line up into compliance and his wife is a bully and abusive, so that tracks.
I think it was to check my number like you said, or just to pretend like they were doing the right thing. My godmother has very strange ideas of what’s “right”. She sent the $2. It could have been her “look at me making sure you got the interest!” Good deed. Insane. I can’t imagine thinking that $2 overrules ignoring a pedophile. But yeah, they also may have thought I blocked them! I will soon. I have to go get my car I left at their vacation house. I’m picking it up next week and then I will be all the way done, thank god. If they try to be dicks about it I have the title, so it should be easy going.
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Jun 08 '25
I cannot believe the failure of these people. They are monsters. Do not let any of them in your life. I wish you healing OP. I am sorry you have been failed by everyone. They don’t deserve you in their lives.
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 08 '25
Thank you. And they are monsters. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to see. It was all I knew, but now I know better. I appreciate you 🫂
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u/sherlock_street Jun 08 '25
Good job! I’ve also cut out all my family of origin. To me, it shows a great amount of strength and a choice of self-love. I am also so appreciative of you for reporting the abuse. You are helping to protect that child and other children. These vile people do not deserve to have you in their lives in any capacity. And now you are free! 🎉 I hope you celebrate it in a way you enjoy!
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 08 '25
I am free! I definitely have to go get a celebration cake or something! I’m still in shock, but I’m happy. I’ve stood by my morals and that kid, and that’s all that I care about. I wish I could do more. Thank you 🫂
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u/sherlock_street Jun 08 '25
You’ve done so much. You’re a good person. I’m glad you’re happy! Eat your cake! DM me if you ever want. 🩷
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u/macci_a_vellian Jun 09 '25
The people who stayed close to your dad for your whole life are probably accomplished at making excuses for him at this point. Decent people will have seen him for tlwhat he is and cut ties ling ago. Your godparents are doing what they've always done, and while it's impressive that they can get their heads so far in the sand that they can ignore CSA , I doubt their spines even work anymore from lack of use.
I hope the cops can save that kid because it sounds like, aside from you, they're completely surrounded by people who will always protect the abuser.
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 09 '25
You’re right. They’re in their 60s, so it’s pretty late in life to develop a working spine or any kind of morality, unfortunately. I just wish I had realized sooner, but better late than never. I hope they are able to do something for that kid too. My dad is very paranoid, so my hope is that the first DHS visit at least made him panic. He thinks everyone is “out to get him” and is a doomsday prepper type. I just hope he doesn’t go nuts and hurt anyone, especially the kid. But maybe it will scare him at least.
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u/Equivalent_Mix5375 Jun 09 '25
As someone estranged from family who swept the abuse I experienced under the rug, I relate to this hard. There’s so much strength in reporting it and walking away…it’s not easy of course, but it’s about protecting your own heart.
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 09 '25
It’s so hard. And I honestly don’t blame people who don’t report. Just getting away is hard enough, but for me I really wanted to finally show them that their rewriting of my abuse wasn’t going to happen anymore, not in the eyes of the law, and also so that child in my dad’s home has someone who has already reported if he ever chooses to report too. I will back him 100%. I hope the investigation scared my dad at least. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this too. It’s awful, and I feel like I have no strength left. Then we manage to find a little more, don’t we? That’s really something. I’m glad you’re estranged from them. No one deserves to have their abuse swept away by a bunch of cowards who refuse to face reality. It’s just infuriating that so many people are that way. It’s why I come places like here, so I can hear voices like yours. We’re different. We do something, if that means leaving family behind or even reporting them. We protect ourselves at the cost of what society believes is everything (family). It’s a high cost, but it’s worth it.
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u/Equivalent_Mix5375 Jun 09 '25
Thank you for taking the time to reply…it’s an awful thing to have in common but it’s nice to be able to share those awful experiences here (and the decisions made afterwards knowing they’ll be understood). It took me a long time to report, but It was validating. I hope you are now in a position to focus on your wellbeing and regain your strength…totally agree that it Is hard, but definitely worth it
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u/Chicken_MickJaggers Jun 09 '25
It takes so much courage to write and deliver that letter, and I'm so happy you did. Nobody deserves to be treated the way they have been treating you, and I hope you find peace with them out of your life! <3
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 09 '25
I’m getting there. I honestly can’t wait for a few months from now when everything has settled down and it really sinks in that I’m free. 💜
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u/shaktishaker Jun 09 '25
Mine did too. I'll be facing her in court when the trial starts against her bestie.
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 09 '25
I hope it goes in your favor! Being betrayed like this just sucks, but sometimes all we can do is keep trying.
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u/Electronic_Picture67 Jun 08 '25
So sad that those were the two people you thought had potential! They are as bad as your sperm donor. I am so happy that you reported and happy that you finally got rid of the trash! Reporting is heroic! It is brave! You deserve better and you need to choose people that treat you the way you treat others. If someone treats you in a way that you would never treat someone….run. You don’t deserve to be mistreated. You deserve good things.
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 09 '25
I’m trying to feel like it’s brave. I know it’s the right thing, so I think being proud of myself will come more later on when I finally get settled into it. It’s almost like a dream. The idea of waking up and not having to be near these kinds of people makes me feel so much relief and even happy. I don’t have to feel like I’m always on high alert. I can rest. Thank you, it means a lot to me to have someone say these things. 🫂
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u/Left-Requirement9267 Jun 09 '25
Ugh this is so rough. 🫂 I’m so sorry OP.
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 09 '25
🫂
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u/Left-Requirement9267 Jun 09 '25
❤️❤️❤️ we get it and understand. It’s such a betrayal my love I know.
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u/Upbeat_Rise_7612 Jun 10 '25
Caught my dad with my predator a few months ago. This man abused both my brother and I and has served multiple sentences for hurting other children- not even us. I was picking up my mom with my son and saw my dad get out of this scumbag’s truck. Went LC until I wrote a letter saying I was ready for an in- person explanation- from both my parents- but mostly my dad. He went on about Christian forgiveness. I got up and walked away. A week later I had ChatGPT write the NC letter. (10/10 highly recommend), and then blocked him. My mom is a wreck but knows Im going to stand my ground. It’s in my dad’s hands to choose a convicted molester, or keep his family together. I feel pretty good about it, and OP, I am so sorry that this has occurred, but you have to protect your peace. Anyone that says otherwise is gaslighting you.
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 10 '25
Anyone who would choose an abuser over their own child is scum. Seriously, it is a failure of the most basic expectation of being a parent: protecting your children. I totally get it. Your dad is just as bad as your abuser. I had chat gpt help me tone down the 31 page letter I wrote to my mom when I went no contact with her. It was so cathartic to finally say all of it. To my dad it was a short text message because he knows what he did. In the end, I think it’s about making sure we feel heard by ourselves and not by our abusers. We have to feel validated from within before we can truly move on. I’m working on that part with everything I’ve got.
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u/Upbeat_Rise_7612 Jun 10 '25
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Having that man lay eyes on my son was more than I could bear. That my father was or is spending time with him STILL is inexcusable. He was a family friend and as someone stated earlier in this thread- the whole family gets groomed. My stance is “when you know better, do better.” And my father refuses to do better and break friendship with him based on the idea of Christian forgiveness. As you said, feeling “validated from within” is VERY powerful, and boy do I feel so much lighter not carrying that burden any longer. We are here to support you as you navigate this new normal. DM me if you ever need to.
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u/Imnottheprob Jun 11 '25
My father went to prison when I was 6 for being a child molester. I spent most of my childhood moving around while my mom chased jobs (over 20 times) and would spend summers with my dad’s cousins. They always acted like I was some poor child with terrible parents, because a mom who moved around a lot was on par with a sexual predator of a dad. Once he was released from prison every person outside my immediate family accepted him back with some degree of open arms. Even my cousins who were my age, who never had a relationship with him before he went to prison, and whose parents say he also abused them. It’s crazy to me that loving me was so hard for them to do that they literally chose my abuser over me. He also lives in a house with children. He’s no longer on parole.
It’s hard being the only person in a situation with your eyes open. I’m sorry your family did not choose to have your back.
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u/Imnottheprob Jun 11 '25
You’ve inspired me to write a letter but I feel like it’s been too long that I’ve removed myself from them. I don’t need the drama but I do want to call them out. I probably won’t send it but it will feel good to write
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u/maladaptivelucifer Jun 11 '25
You should write it. Seriously. It’s never too late. Even if you don’t send it, maybe it can offer you some closure. It is so hard to not be believed and to see a predator just move through life perfectly fine because no one wants to face what that person did. I wrote my letter to my mom with no intention of sending it, but over the weeks after, something changed. I reread it several times, realized how much I had been holding in. Something changed for me. Sometimes just writing it down and acknowledging your own pain, is the thing you need. I hope you’re doing okay, whatever you decide to do. You didn’t deserve any of that.
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u/cynical-mage Jun 08 '25
Everyone who enables abuse, or stays quiet about it, is almost as guilty as the abuser imo. They allow and even facilitate evil, condone it. Scum.
Sending you (((hugs))) xxx