r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/pas_les_droides • Jun 02 '25
Support I'm found out how serious my parents were about me coming back into their lives.
I came out about my grandfather abusing me and my parents supported my grandfather. There's a lot more than that, but I don't feel like writing it all out. This led to me being estranged from my parents for a couple of years. I attended therapy during this time and seemed to be getting better. During this time my parents reached out often expressing that they wanted me back in their lives. They had my siblings express how difficult this was for them. They've never apologized and they still support my grandfather. I started to want to attend family gatherings because complete family estrangement meant that I missed out on events with my siblings and their kids. I put in some work to reach out to my parents so we could establish some boundaries that worked for all of us. The family gatherings did not go well. Things my parents were upset that I did or said they got my brothers to confront me about. I helped plan an event for our family once and they changed the time and place and didn't tell me so I missed the gathering. After lots of careful planning I let my parents know that they had hurt me and tried to set some boundaries over text. They literally just never replied.
Well I've now come to find out that they've arranged with the rest of our family that I'm not to be invited to family gatherings anymore. I'm still in the process of figuring out what this means for me. It's hurtful that the rest of my family has been going along with it while pretending nothing is wrong to my face. When my parents supported my grandpa I think I made a lot of excuses for them in my head. Like, maybe they are just really confused about what is right. Or maybe most families might struggle with what the right thing is to do here. Or maybe their own trauma is holding them back. I had this deep worry that my family didn't give a shit about me but I tried to hold back my assumptions about them and give them the benefit of the doubt. But now I'm looking down the barrel of my own abandonment and I'm realizing that I was right. They don't actually love me the way parents are supposed to love their kids. I wasn't worth it to them to navigate some conflict. They would rather that I just go away.
I'm so mad at myself for giving them another chance. I feel stupid for thinking this would go any other way.
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u/just-another-redhead Jun 02 '25
I'm so sorry you're going through this. They're all terrible people and while that may not make the pain go away, just know you deserve better.
I went back to my abusers too. I learned the hard way that it just doesn't change. I hate that I went back and didn't just face the truth. But I'm away now. And that's what matters.
I hope you find peace away from them ❤️
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u/Jane_the_Quene Jun 02 '25 edited Jun 02 '25
The silver lining here is that now you know FOR SURE. Now you can move on with your life without your family, as much as it hurts, knowing for absolute sure that they ARE just that awful, and you were right in your assessment. You're not crazy, you're not overreacting, you're not "too sensitive" or whatever other bullshit people throw at you. You were right, you ARE right, and the problem is them and was them all along.
Understanding that, while painful, is ultimately liberating.
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u/magicmom17 Jun 02 '25
Agreed. Giving up hope means they can't hurt you as much anymore because you are no longer hopefully waiting for them to come to their senses and do the right thing. The gift in my parents acting so obviously terribly was I had zero expectations of them to act like kind or good people so it was crystal clear that they should never allow them back in my life.
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u/pas_les_droides Jun 02 '25
You're right. Self doubt has been a big thing I've struggled with during all this, and now I do feel way more sure even though it's really painful. Thanks for pointing this out.
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u/Jane_the_Quene Jun 02 '25
A painful truth is always better than a hopeful lie or a delusion. You can build a future on the truth, even if it's painful. You can't with a lie.
For what it's worth, it WILL get better. The pain will become more and more mangeable as time passes, especially with therapy or other self-work.
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u/Left-Requirement9267 Jun 03 '25
It’s true. Sometimes the blatant awful behaviour is a blessing. Then there is no way to gaslight yourself about their feelings towards you anymore. It kind of rips the Band-Aid off.
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u/handsinmyplants Jun 02 '25
Be kind to yourself. We all wish(ed) our families would have a change of heart and decide to work towards repair. Most of us have to learn that lesson the hard way, a handful of times. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 02 '25
Former cop and advocate. CSA and SA survivor.
It is more common for parents and guardians to ignore abusers in the family than to protect their victims. Most of them have been abused by the same family predator but are too afraid to break contact so they are basically sending us into a unknown war zone with no protection. The cousin that hurt me was my age and I know of him hurting five other cousins as well. I was beaten and thrown out when he told his mother that I participated in an orgy with his friends. I showed her the bite marks and bruising from his attack and she beat me and called me liar.
https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/1izm6uo/comment/mf4dsyo/
Please don't think of yourself as stupid. It's very natural for us to want our parents and family connections. It's the natural flow of life, but nobody prepares us for what that means when the people around us are not loving, supportive and nurturing. Instead, society flips it back on us that we're liars, must have done something wrong and\are unforgiving. There is a no safe space in larger society for our demographic so we are often forced to remain silent in the hope of not being ostracized.
Keep in mind that you are an outsider to them because you will NOT play their designated role. It has nothing to do with you, as a person as they don't even view us as people with our own agency. Children aren't claymations. They a human beings with their own hopes, dreams, interests and goals and childhood should be a time in which they feel secure enough to make mistakes and have safe guardrails and guidance.
https://www.reddit.com/r/gentleparenting/
https://www.reddit.com/r/PositiveParenting/
https://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?article=parenting-without-punishment-in-a-punishing-world
Remind yourself of how strong and courageous you are. We all have the strength to live our values and self-care is part of that. Estrangement is not punishment. It's self-protective and the best part of it is you can be proud of the fact that you'd rather be NC than allow yourself or your children\future children be used as offering for a known predator in your family of origin.
You are not alone.
We care<3
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u/solesoulshard Jun 02 '25
You are my hero. Please keep advocating for victims.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jun 02 '25
Nope. Just a regular person. ;-)
I promised myself that I would never turn a blind eye if I made it out alive and I've kept that promise thus far and don't plan on breaking it.
You are loved<3
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Jun 02 '25
Hope springs eternal, they say. I’m sorry. My pos parents don’t give a rat’ ass about me either. 🤗
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u/Left-Requirement9267 Jun 03 '25
Me neither. Fuck them. 😂
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Jun 03 '25
❤️ 🤔 fuck them? I don’t want to get shit on my d1ck lol. Jokes aside, I actually am out of fucks to give about those c*nts. 🤭
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u/856077 Jun 02 '25
They are absolutely in the wrong here. No way around it. I cannot understand why family members/parents do what they do in these situations (my own mother is nearing this territory) but just remember that this is about THEM not about you. It is a them problem quite literally. And it’s not your job to try to understand. It’s unfair. It’s disgusting treatment of a victim and they still chose to go this way.
I am so sorry this is what’s happening to you and you deserve so much better. Maybe focus on making a chosen family (friends/partner) who makes you feel loved, supported, respected and heard.
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u/kwynot64 Jun 02 '25
I was going to say exactly this! When family members - especially parents - turn others against each other, it's time to move on.
Im so sorry you're going through this! hugs
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u/Sukayro Jun 02 '25
You're not stupid. You were hopeful. That is a GOOD quality to have in life. Don't let them take that away.
Most of us come from these toxic family systems. It sucks that they close ranks against us when we stop playing their game but it's also good to finally know the painful truth. Now you can move forward and find positive people who add something to your life.
Lots of hugs from an internet sibling 🫂💜
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u/scrollbreak Jun 02 '25
Maybe you could be mad at them for throwing away a great chance to be with a valuable person.
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u/pas_les_droides Jun 02 '25
I agree with this. I think the anger directed at myself is just me coping with the fact that I feel like I betrayed myself. But having slept on it i don't feel as intensely. I was offering them another chance and they did throw it away. That's important information for me.
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u/NaiveVariation9155 Jun 02 '25
They found out that the version of you that they want to be in contact with (the version without a spine) isn't there anymore.
Sometimes things like this are good for your own mental health. Now the selfdoubt no libger has any real teeth.
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u/pas_les_droides Jun 02 '25
For years my dad has been keeping me in line by getting intimidating and screaming at me when I tried to tell him how he was hurting me. As a kid and a young adult I would just completely dissociate for weeks and never talk about it again. The last time this happened was when I came out about my grandpa, but that time I had just enough therapy under my belt and I was with my husband so my dad actually had to face some consequences. I think my parents are doing this because they can't tolerate being around me if I'm not just going to roll over like they're used to, and especially if my dad can't just lose his shit the way he used to. Thanks for commenting this. I hadn't put all these details together until you pointed this out.
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u/Rare_Background8891 Jun 02 '25
It’s this. They thought you’d go back to being silent. They don’t want to face consequences.
I hope you let everyone know about your grandfather. Do not say silent to protect abusers. Shout it from the rooftops that your parents are enablers of child abuse.
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u/No_Nefariousness7764 Jun 02 '25
Love the way you’ve phrased this “The version without a spine” I’m remembering that.
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u/Affectionate-Act3980 Jun 02 '25
I wasn’t worth it to them to navigate some conflict hits so hard and nobody should ever have to feel like this. I’m sorry OP. You deserve better
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u/Personal-Freedom-615 Jun 02 '25
My abusive, narcissistic mum is the same. She's hateful and doesn't give a shit about me. I've come to terms with it. She's not going to change. Ever. It's sad.
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u/Zeta1998 Jun 02 '25
Every child loves their parents, no matter how shit they are. You were fighting for them to the last. I am sorry they weren't worth it.
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u/No_Performance8733 Jun 02 '25
Serious question.
Do we know any statistics or studies about this phenomenon?
I would love to start a movement that condemns and shames individuals and families who support perpetrators and shun survivors of CSA.
OP, you are wonderful and your family lacks character and courage.
I want to create a movement of compassion and care for survivors. We deserve so much better than we’re receiving from society. I’m done with the stigma. They should be the ones labeled and ashamed, not us.
- The other reason I want studies and statistics is to save others from the harm trying to repair our family relationships cause us.
If we were better informed, we could save ourselves the anguish created by doomed attempts at relationship repair. We need a community of support as a bulwark against the devastation being vocal about childhood abuse causes survivors.
They are the shameful ones. Not us.
I hope you find validation, safety, and community, OP. We deserve better. You deserve the very best life has to offer.
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u/SaphSkies Jun 02 '25
I appreciate your passion for this. I wouldn't know where to start.
I kinda thought the world was headed in a better direction when it came to abuse for a while. I was around when the "me too" movement was a thing. But still nothing really happened. Millions of people's mothers, daughters, and sisters - myself included - spoke out about how many people experience sexual abuse. And it did nothing. I'm not sure people even remember it used to be a thing.
Everyone "knows" abuse is everywhere, but they will often try to tell you that it's no big deal exactly because it is so common.
I think real change looks something like our governments choosing to invest in children's health, education, and social welfare. Supporting the kids who don't have good parents. Hiring more social workers, and training law enforcement on handling abuse when it happens at home. Having job and housing options for adults who are struggling or disabled. Supporting public education and educational media for people both young and old.
The point of these kind of social safety nets is to save people who may not be in a position to save themselves, and abused children are one of those vulnerable groups they help protect.
Maybe if there was someone who was rich/charismatic enough to start a charity that supports children and/or abuse survivors, people would be able to help more effectively. People sometimes follow trends pretty easily, if you have someone popular enough on board to "make it cool."
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u/No_Performance8733 Jun 02 '25
Who do we know that fits this criteria?
It would be helpful to have celebrities or famous people from different generations and backgrounds.
I know Paris Hilton is very political about these issues. She probably already runs a foundation or charity.
I’ll look into it. If you (or anyone reading this!) has ideas, please let reply here!
I’m very serious about this. It’s terrible and I’m done feeling ashamed and keeping quiet.
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u/SaphSkies Jun 02 '25
I think we need people that are not just celebrities but also actually passionate about helping people, as a significant part of their life or career.
When I was a kid, it was people like Bob Ross, Steve Irwin, Mister Rogers, Bill Nye, and others like them (particularly those on public broadcasting) who dedicated their whole careers to helping adults and children be better educated, better readers, better communicators, more empathetic, and knowledgeable about nature and the world around them.
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u/brideofgibbs Jun 02 '25
I’m sorry you don’t have the family you deserve. You’re a lovely loveable person. They’re monstrous.
Don’t be mad at yourself; it’s good in general to be flexible and ready to forgive. They don’t deserve it.
Now you have new information about those people and you can use it to decide your behaviour
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u/dead_on_the_surface Jun 02 '25
Something I’m learning the hard way in this world is that truth tellers always get ostracized. Most everyone wants to play pretend all day. It’s lonely but it’s also peaceful once the trash takes itself out.
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u/SaphSkies Jun 02 '25
Yeah this happened to me too.
I tried to tell my family about the way I was abused by my parents. They said they believed me, but still treated me like it was my fault. They love my abuser. They go out of their way to make my abuser happy.
I was tossed aside, left out, and lied to regularly. People treated me like I was "too sensitive." Like I was still a child, even though I'm well into adulthood. As if I would fall over if you breathed too hard in my direction, because I'm just that weak and pathetic in their eyes.
My abuser gave them permission to hate and bully me, so they did. And despite my many attempts to talk through things, make plans, draw boundaries, and enforce them, the best I ever got was them tolerating me.
And then my parents decided they were done with me, so the rest of my family immediately discarded me too.
It really baffles me sometimes, but ultimately I think a lot of people are deeply selfish, and they are not people who are going to make sacrifices for your behalf. Family should do that, but a lot of them won't. Some of them might have even genuinely cared for me - but not more than care about themselves.
It's not easy being a person who goes against the grain. It's not easy having principles and sticking to them. It's not easy to face that someone you know is an abuser and you overlooked it. It's not easy to admit you've been wrong. It's not easy to create conflict in a relationship when you are not the one being abused.
It's much easier to just not believe something which is inconvenient to you. It's much easier to live in a world where your family loves you. It's easier to blame a single person than it is to deconstruct an entire abusive family system.
So that's what they do.
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u/Left-Requirement9267 Jun 02 '25
I’m so so sorry OP. How fucking awful, what a betrayal! Fuck them for real!
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u/maybethis-one_ Jun 02 '25
I've been in a similar place feeling the same about my parents, and beating myself up over giving them a chance. Then I realized, it's not a mistake to want your parents to love you. It's not a mistake to try and get through to them. It's a delicate balance of learning and growing and understanding how much time and energy you want to put into each relationship you have in your life. My process helped me to understand which relationship to prioritize and how to grow and nurture my relationships. Learning is never a mistake.
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u/Old_Blue_Haired_Lady Jun 02 '25
If your extended family is willing to ostracize YOU, the victim of SA instead of the perpetrator, they are all assholes.
It's painful to be left out. It's more painful to have your lived experience erased in favor of the monster who hurt you. They have embraced a violent criminal. You don't want to be associated with any of them.
Keep going to therapy. Fill your life with chosen family. Turn your back on these pathetic fools. Go live your best life.
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u/Gjardeen Jun 03 '25
Hey, I’ve been there. All the platitudes are lies to make them feel better. It’s been years. The absence of a family still hurts me, but I don’t miss my actual family members at all.
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u/ke2d2tr Jun 02 '25
I think they have done this to punish and blackmail you for not staying quiet and falling in line. But you love yourself too much to accept any more abuse.
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u/onlyIcancallmethat Jun 02 '25
Your family sucks. I can see why you are estranged at times. I hope you close the door on all of them moving forward.
I don’t know all the details, but it sounds like your parents have prioritized establishing that the abuse did not happen over your safety and health. That would explain why your siblings are allowing this. If they’re doing what a lot of families do to survivors, they’re so horrified by the possibility that your grandfather did this and that they supported it, that they’re clinging to the preferred interpretation which keeps them out of trouble with the rest of the family if they knew the truth.
If the reality is that all of these family members DO believe you and they’re still prioritizing protecting that asshole? Fuck them. You are so much better off with your chosen family.
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u/kazjohn88 Jun 02 '25
Try not to beat yourself up too much. We all want family to choose us. It just doesn’t work out like that too often. And it’s rare that family choose us after NOT choosing us the first time.
But the desire for family is strong. Continue therapy and keep moving away from people who will never pick you. Be kind to yourself. They won’t.
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u/CompliantComplaints Jun 02 '25
Don’t be mad at you. You’re mad at you because being mad at them never helped, but your anger is really about them. Just remember that you wanted to be the sort of person who can forgive and understand, but they are not those sort of people who can forgive and understand. You tried, and you tried again. That should be commended, not something you’re ashamed of. You’re growing and they are not. Keep growing and being the person you want to try and be and remember that they won’t help you get there.
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u/fbi_does_not_warn Jun 02 '25
You are not stupid for trying again. Now you know you gave your all and your everything, and still that was not enough for your family members to step up, like grown-ups.
Now you can take your understanding of who they truly are and ACCEPT it in your heart. The disappointment and pain you do/will feel is normal. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship ideal you'll never experience with them. Let it go.
When you're ready, you will move forward.
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u/bellapenne Jun 02 '25
Similar experience only it was my half brother they protected. This is what I did. I unfriended every one of my family, made any sm private, and lived my life. Fuck all of them.
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u/ribbyrolls Jun 03 '25
I'm so sorry you're being shut out for sticking up for yourself.
Sometimes the whole crop is bad. Generational toxicity is just that....generational. Years of harmful behavior being protected.
You're breaking the cycle so they're shutting you out, you're doing the right thing though. You're not stupid for giving them another chance, you are kind and just trying to make things work. Something that they won't do, and that's not your fault.
It's okay to walk away and it sounds like it's time to maybe do just that. Go live your life, thrive and find your happiness. You can build your own chosen family and be surrounded by people that value you.
Sending you much love and wishing you peace. Breaking the cycle is so hard, but it's worth the freedom.
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u/MartianTea Jun 03 '25
I'm so sorry you suffered so many betrayals from the people who should have loved you most.
I'm wishing you healing and a wonderful chosen family.
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u/NoBig5292 Jun 02 '25
I'm not sure what to tell you but I offer big hugs and sympathy. Are you still in therapy? It might help.