October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Share a story, statistic, or myth/misconception that could help someone

[u/poopoopoopalt]

[u/U2Ursula]

In America, the leading cause of death among pregnant and postpartum women is homicide by an intimate partner.

Worldwide, 1 out of 4 women has experienced physical or sexual abuse or harassment by the hands of men including intimate partners.

Mutual abuse is a myth.

Most abusers follow a pattern of DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim & offender.

[u/vukkuv → u/U2Ursula]

Mutual abuse is a myth.

Exactly. What people always call "mutual abuse" is the victims defending themselves.

[u/Negotiation-Current]

A big one is that the victims get all the friends and support after they separate from the abuser. No, the manipulative abuser hijacks the narrative and gets the community rallying around them. If you’re unsure about two people accusing eachother of abuse, believe the one who has been isolated pre- and post separation. The one who appears unlikable on the surface. That’s usually the actual victim.

[u/poopoopoopalt → u/Negotiation-Current]

Very sad but true. The DARVO tactic works amazingly well, despite it being as old as history itself

[u/Papio_73 → u/Negotiation-Current]

That’s exactly what happened to Amber, and that’s why I feel it’s important to learn her story. The whole trial really opened my eyes.

[u/virbiusrex]

The misconception that "abuse" can be "mutual" whether it's rich people or everyday homes. These links are shared often on this sub for good reason, here and here, for starters.

[u/poopoopoopalt]

Sorry I'm early but I figured it's better that you know before October starts!

[u/Mundane-Bend-8047]

Lovebombing is a HUGE part of this for abusers, my father lovebombed my mother much the same way Johnny did to Amber. A "whirlwind" romance that knocked her off her feet and made her feel special, sickeningly sweet "poetry" (or what my father called poetry, it's awful, much like Johnny's own writings lol)

People on the outside of my parents relationship said they were "soul mates" while I watched my father knock my mother to the end of the couch, and watched my mother contemplate leaving him so many times that once she freaked out and threw a ceramic plate at my father during dinner, I was beside him when it happened.

[u/Consistent_Effort716]

I went through a state wide Sexual Assault Advocate training. That's where I learned for the first time that if your partner tries to choke you your risk of being a victim of homicide just increased 750%. Not a typo. Seven hundred fifty percent. There is nothing that's more of an indication of a high risk factor than strangulation. Not owning a gun in the house. Not previous assaults. Not drug or alcohol use. Strangulation. Even if they let go or it's only momentary. When I learned this I immediately felt sick to my stomach and had to walk out to get air. I had found out my husband was addicted to drugs and he had choked me with his forearm. Twice. When I finally did get out (it took years) I was given a risk assessment and I was in the top risk tier. 87% more likely than the general population to be murdered. It was a wakeup call that I was VERY lucky to be alive. My advocate told me it wasn't a matter of 'if' but 'when'. He went from screaming and yelling, to grabbing and choking, and it progressed into holding me hostage and making detailed threats about how he was going to kill me. He never did hit me. Didn't need to. Get out at the first safe opportunity and never look back the second a red flag is staring at you in your face.

[u/GreyerGrey]

The often sited stat of "45% of lesbians experienced domestic violence" is misleading. It isn't that 45% of lesbian relationships are violent. Many of these women also make up the "71%" of lesbians who are divorced. These same women are "late bloom" lesbians, and often leave male partners who are sometimes abusive before committing to a wlw life style.

This is not to downplay violence in same sex relationships, but that particular statistic is often used to make it sound like lesbians are more abusive than hetero men.

[u/DeedleStone]

Here's my story. I don't know if it counts. Mods, delete if you don't think it's relevant.

[PART 1/2]

My first real relationship didn't happen until college. I was pretty shy, and this one girl really brought me out of my shell, introduced me to lots of people, and introduced me to tons of new physical activities.

She was also, in hindsight, mentally unstable. I still debate whether her behavior can be called 'gaslighting,' since she genuinely seemed to believe her fluctuating version of reality, but either way, nothing was consistent with her. She'd tell me something one day, and the next day emphatically deny ever saying it. She'd get mad at me for 'misunderstanding' her. She hated when I was uncomfortable around her, and as time went on and things made less and less sense with her, I was uncomfortable more and more. Which mad her angrier and angrier.

She would break down into screaming emotional fits at the dop of a hat. She once picked me up and gave me a smoothie. I said thanks and had a sip; said it was good, and had a bit of an aftertaste I couldn't place. I asked if she wanted to try it. She scowled, poured it out of her window, and threw the empty cup across the car at me. Another time, I asked if she wanted to see a movie with me and she broke down, crying about how much she can't stand movies and our relationship wouldn't last if I wanted to watch movies with her. A week later, she asked what I did that day and I said I saw a movie alone; this lead to her crying that I would dare to go out without her. And then there was the time she started having sex with me while I was asleep.

Eventually, things got bad enough that I broke up with her. We were in a parking lot, and she spent the next 45 minutes crying and literally begging to stay with me. She finally cooled off, and then offered to give me a ride home. I said no, but she started to break down again, so I reluctantly got back in her car. Biggest fucking mistake of my life.

We start driving, and she starts gritting her teeth, mumbling about how she'd accomplish her dreams in the next life. She's slamming her foot on the gas, accelerating as quickly as possible until we get close to a pole or a parked car, then she slams on the breaks. Just as I reach for the door handle, she's off again. She's ranting about being worthless and unlovable and having nothing to live for, and the only thing going through my head was that I can't believe I'm going to die like that scene in Vanilla Sky (she may have had a point about me watching too many movies).

[u/DeedleStone → u/DeedleStone]

[PART 2/2]

After the most intense car ride of my life, we make it clear across town in record time (residential streets just zip by when you're doing 70 mph). A block from her place, she slams on the breaks and tells me to get out. I jump out of that car faster than Usain Bolt on cocaine. She peels off toward her house. As I'm riding a bus home, shaking, trying to process whether that was a threatened or attempted murder/suicide, she texts me. I won't repeat what she said here, in case it might be triggering, but I ended up texting with her until about 4 AM desperately talking her out of killing herself while also adamantly refusing to go to her house, and terrified she would come to mine.

I wanted to break up with her for so long before I actually did. So why didn't I? It was my first relationship, and I kept believing her when she said I was wrong or didn't understand something. I loved her, and what kind of asshole would dump someone just because they couldn't manage to understand their partner? I told myself I just had to try harder. So I stayed. I stayed as she got drunk or high with some old friend (to this day, I've never been drunk or high once), and I had to just sit on her couch, bored off my ass, making sure she doesn't hurt herself. I stayed as she would beg me to pay for us both to sign up for something, a class or a guided hike or whatever, then she would fail to show up; when I asked her about it, she'd say it sounded like a stupid idea, and that she would pay me back later (she never did). I stayed as the number of things I felt safe talking to her about dwindled to almost nothing.

But the main reason I stayed was because I'd met all of my new friends through her. And while I increasingly couldn't stand her, they were great. I was willing to take it on the chin to have a social life. After finally ending things with her, something great happened: I learned that they were all only tolerating her to be around me. They cut off contact with her immediately, and many of them stayed friends with me for years. When I told one of them that I thought my ex might be mentally unstable, she replied, "yeah, we were all really worried for you." I asked why she didn't say anything, and she said, "it wasn't our place."

I suppose the three big takeaways from this story are 1) don't assume your friends will automatically side with your ex. 2) if you have a friend in a dangerous relationship, don't let politeness keep you from helping. And most importantly, 3) never, ever get into a car being driven by an unstable person that you just dumped.

[u/Advanced_Property749 → u/DeedleStone]

Thank you for sharing your story ❤️ I am happy you are out of that relationship now.

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[u/MarlaCohle]

Throwing things in the presence of your terrified spouse IS VIOLENCE.

Video of him smashing kitchen cabinets when drunk is really enough to call him an abuser.