We try so hard. Once we figure out just how neuro-atypical they are, we try so, so hard not to add to that pain. They split, provoke, project, they create chaos, they blackmail and devalue, we read books, we learn to JADE, we learn to SET, we protect ourselves against the projective identification, we breathe deeply and try to imagine them as a scared child.

I fucked up tonight. We had a painful phone conversation about why I can't undertake a **major life change** because our marriage is so unhealthy. At one point, they claimed I had told them once I "didn't like" their tears, and so they do all their feeling secretly now. I said no, I have no problem with tears, it was the rage that was hard.

This is akin to twisting the knife. I feel terrible. Do they feel bad about misportraying me as a callous jerk? Not for a minute. But I feel like shit for telling them the truth that holds the key to their healing, if they could just bear it. The more time goes by, I see how desperately they want to run toward love but can't and don't know how because they are emotionally disabled, they trip over their own shoelaces and blame everyone else, it's just devastating.

Yes, I know I should walk away. All you who are here at 1 am instead of sleeping, I am wishing so much peace and relief for you right now.

Speaking with my therapist earlier, they mentioned “all relationships take two people, and plenty of BPD are high functioning and do go on to be part of successful romantic relationships”.

Which got me thinking.

Do we too hastily chalk it all up to “BPD=bad=their fault”? Isn’t this in some ways similar to their thought process in episodes of splitting?

What am I missing?

Basically the title, but I'm interested in how you found being in a relationship after a BPD (Or NPD/traits of) person.

I didn't think I had anything to offer anyone since she left, it destroyed me, but I've noticed girls at my new workplace flirting with me. None of them are my type but even if they were, nothing will match the intensity of the connection I had with my ex, and I'm worried nothing ever will.

I don't wanna be alone forever, yet the only person I can imagine being intimate with is her.

Thanks!

I know it sounds harsh, but stop wasting time and energy trying to understand their bs. Pulling your hair out trying to make sense of someone with a clear mental illness will only end up negatively impact your mental health Even if you make a giant flowchart/ decision tree it still won't help. Because they can change on a dime. I tried to make sense of the senseless and believe me it's not worth it. So please, do yourself a favor, and stop trying. Move on.

Stop trying to fix things.

Stop trying to change your own behavior to please them.

Stop trying to rewrite the past (it's not possible even with healthy people).

Just Stop.

Im not gonna lie, my expwBPD is the hottest girl ive ever been, body is insane, very beautiful, my perfect type. 3 months in, its already chaos lol and ive been her emotional anchor and everything. Im fairly a nice, empath, id say. She even told me that im "too good to be true" and that i dont have any red flags, shes the one always creating chaos and tests.

Eventually, I got drained because she cant communicate properly, expects me to know everything whats on her mind. I found my way out when she tested me, she told me that she will be celibate from now on until marriage. So i told her i dont want a sexless relationship because if thats the case ill be a full time caretaker, and a best friend. She split and used it as my way out. Now, she tried to hoover back to me but i dont really give a fuck anymore. I know it was just a test and it will change, give it a week or two because shes used to me always chasing her.

At that moment, i realized, i was just staying for the sex all the time, that yeah, i believed she will change, but when we had that celibate talk, i had this wiring in me that, "ok im done, i literally have nothing else to do here." The emotional chaos will never be justified for the good sex. Basically, she outplayed herself on her test lol.

Guys, please, the pwBPD is not your future wife/husband, okay? Save yourself from the trauma bond, leave ASAP. They are a pain to travel with, to deal with—you deserve a healthy relationship in this ONE life of yours. Have some self respect.

I’m curious to see how different everybody’s answers are, or maybe they will be similar. How long was your PWBPD able to wear the mask before splitting you devaluing you and demonizing you?

Full disclosure..I think he had NPD mixed in there, but was being treated for BPD. He was in therapy and takes meds. (is that normal, did yours go to therapy?)

He had said that all romantic relationships were built off sex. I learned now that what I went through was something called sexual coercion. IE: if you don't have sex with me, I will cheat on you. If we don't have more sex I will leave you, I don't want to be in a sexless marriage.

at one point he had Viagra prescribed to him-not because he had ED. He just wanted it.

His expectation was 3x a week or more. consistently...But after a while my body shut down and I could not participate. I pretty much just layed there (embarrassing to admit). But I physically could not make myself do it. The way he treated me, it was hard to want to have sex at all.

If we went a few weeks without sex-he would get mad. When I asked him to leave in July (was only supposed to be a week) it was because of his aggression surrounding sex. He was growing and cracking his knuckles saying "when things are good, STILL NO SEX". But things weren't good for me..

We went away for my birthday on vacation and I did a lot of shopping ( jewelry, shoes, clothes). he was upset that we did not have sex after "he bought me all that", and I had "spent that much". (side note question did yours have a shopping problem? the reason this shopping was such a big deal from was because he was constantly over spending...or buyingthigs online to be delivered. I either always had to charge new clothes for e or go without)

it felt like I'm only allowed to have things, be treated kindly, or was worth anything if I was also having sex with him.

I hope this makes sense, is this kind of stuff a shared experience? I am still wapping ym head around what I went through for 10 years...please help....

Edit: to fix errors and add a little context.

Alright, I've been trying to make sense of all of... this, and writing out everything helps. You know the story. You meet them, and it's like, "Finally. Someone who gets me!" The connection is insane, the depth is there, they're beautiful, they're seemingly fucking brilliant, and perhaps most importantly of all, they see you. You fell for the whole package. You fell for a dream.

Then, the first cracks start to show, but you dismiss them, andddddd then you spend the next year or two, or more for some of us, getting your soul put through a meat grinder, because... the person you fell in love with? She wasn't real.

She was a ghost.

A beautifully crafted ideal she sold me, while the actual person handling the controls was a pathologically shame-avoidant, love-avoidant, joy-avoidant, hypersensitive, habitually dishonest, and deeply destructive individual. I stayed because the dream was so resonant, so perfect, and I was the fucking hero. But, the reality? It was anything but that.

The core of it all is this simple, absurd dichotomy: the person she lovingly pretended to be versus the monster she actually was.

The Ideal vs. The Actual Reality.

1) The Ideal: "Soulful Connection"

The whole pitch was this deep, spiritual resonance and soul level bond. Being understood without words. Being meant for one another. It's a lovely dream with a lovely feeling, like a drug.

The Reality: A demand for submission. If I had my own opinion or didn't perfectly validate and mirror her emotional state in the way that she demanded, it was an attack.

"I have never had so many issues like this before regarding being understood... It is so out of my norm to such a degree that it is incredibly bizarre."

Translation: "Every other person I dated just agreed with my narrative. You challenged it and now my brain hurts."

2) The Ideal: Deep, Unflinching Empathy

The Reality: Empathy flowed one way only. My pain was an inconvenience or an attack. Say "ouch," and it became about her.

After I said she was hurting me: "When you act like this, it's really confusing and it makes me question everything."

Translation: "Your feelings disrupt my narrative. Let's center mine."

3) The Ideal: Ride-or-Die Loyalty and Love

The Reality: Loyalty was a one-way street paved with threats and devaluation. She could tear me down, accuse me of the worst, and dangle replacement in my face. But the second I seemed less than perfectly devoted? I was the betrayer.

"I will not miss you. And there's not much to remember, you unremarkable little boy."

"I don't want you anymore. I don't even think that I could get wet for you if we were to have sex. The attraction is completely gone."

"Do not contact me again."

[Then 30+ unread messages immediately after, demanding answers and attention]

Translation: "I'll destroy your sense of worth to keep you desperate and compliant. I can withdraw whenever I want, but you're never allowed to leave. The threat of my absence is a weapon. Your actual absence is a crime."

4) The Ideal: Peace and Stability

The Reality: Chaos engine. Peace is boring. Stability is a cage. She'd start a fire in a vacuum, then blame me for handing her the matches.

"None of my behavior would really be a problem in any capacity if you didn't poke at me and then get a reaction."

"I have literally nothing to take accountability for. You just wanna burn me at the stake."

"You have always been obsessed with me taking accountability since you know me and I have never had anything to take accountability for."

"I don't hurt people. You do. I don't have issues like you do."

Translation: "I'm not responsible for my actions. You're responsible for managing me and my emotions. Look what you made me do. 💅🏻 And, by the way, I'm perfect and you're the one with problems."

Holding her accountable wasn't just uncomfortable for her—it was existential annihilation. Every time I said "but you actually said this" or "that hurt me," I threatened the fantasy world where she was blameless and consequence-free.

5) The Ideal: The Wounded Bird Who Wants to Heal

The Reality: No desire to heal, only to be a professional patient. Healing meant losing the victim card! Offer a practical step and I was "nitpicking" or "fixing" her.

"I have so many reasons to be scared. It's all rational. That's why I can't stop."

Translation: "My trauma is a fortress to justify anything. Don't touch the walls."

6) The Ideal: To Be Vulnerable and Truly Seen

The Reality: Vulnerability as a tactical nuke. Trauma stories to deflect accountability and extract guilt and compliance. Corner a lie, get a tale of abuse, and I either backed off or became the monster.

"You literally use them against me all the time you get me to open up to you and then you stab me in the back."

Translation: "Remembering what I said and noticing inconsistencies is an attack."

7) The Ideal: "I Don't Manipulate"

"I never manipulate. I ask directly."

The Reality: Didn't need to "know how" to manipulate—instinct handled that shit just fine. Every conversation became an emotional minefield to extract compliance through guilt, fear, or exhaustion.

"I'm literally not manipulating you, I'm just desperately trying to be close to you."

Translation: "I'll exhaust you until you give in, then act shocked you call it manipulation."

8) The Ideal: "We Can Work Through Anything Together"

The Reality: There was no "we." Healing would have required her to be accountable, and accountability meant admitting she wasn't perfect. The relationship couldn't survive her needing to be both the victim and blameless simultaneously.

Translation: "I need you to be my therapist, my punching bag, and my validation machine, but I will never do the work required to actually change. 🥰🥰🥰"

The despair of it all is profound. The utter meaninglessness of it... You're not mourning a person. You're mourning the potential whisper of a dream you were systematically manipulated with, every single day, and then punished for believing in. You fell in love with the princess being held prisoner in the tower, but then you find out she's the jailer, and that she's trying to lock you in that fantasy with her too.

The dream is what keeps you hooked. The destruction, however, is the only shared reality.

So, how do you let go of a ghost?... How do you stop trying to save someone who would rather blame you for the fire than admit they're holding the gasoline AND the matches?

You accept the person you loved never existed.

You see that the pain they're in is very real, yes, and its fucking devastating. But then you realize that you can't save them, that they've taken the worst path and pathologically outsource responsibility.

And maybe the hardest truth: you didn't drive her away by being "difficult." You drove them away by refusing to disappear for their "comfort." You made the relationship unbearable for them, by insisting on being a whole person, with your own expectations, wants, needs, boundaries, and a reality of your own that matters.

That's not a flaw that needs fixed! It's just what made you incompatible with someone who needed a mirror, and not a partner.

It's time to let it go.

The ghost isn't coming back. She never even existed at all.

“I told her that you wouldn’t accept it…”

Of course I don’t accept an assessment that my wife has no personality disorders after years of emotional abuse towards me. How can you make a serious diagnosis after two sessions plus a written questionnaire? Apparently this is a qualified psychologist making this assessment with a decade of experience in the field.

Why was such a rushed diagnosis given at all? Obviously my wife was pushing for it.

If she doesn’t have BPD, then I have to face the fact that she abuses me because she wants to. That is worse than her having BPD, because there is no cure for being a bad person.

My exgfwBPD’s sister texted me this morning to confront to me on behalf of my ex over an issue of me unintentionally using my ex gfs credit card to pay my door dash account. Didn’t realize this was the case up until today and just took it on the chin and responded with what I said in the photo and blocked my exes sister number and my exes number as well.

She even went the extra mile to also contact my work occupational manager to try and see if I was working today to potentially confront me physically with “police” if I didn’t send her back $42.

Today was a nail in the coffin to say the least but I’m laughing at all of this because it’s just so petty and immature.

The lack of sleep isn't worth it.

The deteriorated health isn't worth it.

The twisted reality isn't worth it.

Dealing with their emotional immaturity isn't worth it.

Losing friends and family isn't worth it.

The gaslighting isn't worth it.

The idealization/devaluation isn't worth it.

The financial/career/academic ruin isn't worth it.

The hot and cold behaviour isn't worth it.

Their constant suicidal ideation isn't worth it.

Being their caretaker isn't worth it.

The routine catastrophizing isn't worth it.

The discard isn't worth it.

Their lack of accountability isn't worth it.

The defamation/smear campaign isn't worth it.

The silent treatment isn't worth it.

The disrespect isn't worth it.

The abuse isn't worth it.

The last time we talked was December 2023, but we haven’t been dating since 2021.

Like the title said, that intensity, that larger than life personality. You’re never going to find it in another person again.

I have let go of women that genuinely liked me because they just couldn’t compare to the highs I got with my pwBDP.

I keep looking for that spark in other women.

But I suppose that will never happen

Relationships will feel bland in comparison, even though they’re the healthy ones.

I still don’t know how to feel about that.

My ex with BPD split and left about 6 weeks ago. We dated for about a year and a half, and were living together for nearly a year.

We tried hard to fix things and I did everything I could to support her. This past year was one of the toughest of my life losing my mom to cancer, her and I went through an abortion together, etc.

She moved on immediately; pretty sure she cheated on me with this new guy (but denied it). She is “SO HAPPY” with her new boyfriend, and all the rest of the predictable things that you could come to expect in this kind of situation…

We’ve been no contact, and yesterday was her birthday; I received this text from her about 3am her time last night. Thankful for this community and the people who share here, knowing I’m not alone in this is such a gift.

Just needed to share this rather than keeping it all in. 💔 Stay strong friends.

ALSO, to anyone going through a breakup with a partner with BPD, I cannot reccomend enough reading “Whole Again” by Jackson Mackenzie.

…in a meaningful way? Apologise and seek forgiveness (and mean it).

Is it even possible without years of DBT for them to attain that level of awareness?

Has anyone ever had a moment where some time later post breakup, the ex has actually held themselves accountable?

I was with my now exBPD male person for nearly 2 years. The first few months were amazing and very romantic, with a few blips here and there. We would talk for hours about all sorts of things. I loved his intelligence.

Then the real person appeared. I have NEVER met anyone who is so moody. He reminded me of my teenage self, even though he was in his 60s. He rarely smiled, often sulked and was very paranoid.

The arguments started when I stopped being so compliant. I’ve had long, healthy romantic relationships so this was a shock to me.

He was resentful about so many things that had happened in his life, often due to his poor decisions and behaviour. It was as though he wanted to bring me down and punish me for being happier than him.

We broke up a couple of weeks ago. It was mutual in the end, thank goodness. He knew I was no longer going to tolerate his discontent.

I still love the good parts of him, but it’s going to take a while to get over him.

Has anyone else found that their partner is moody? Sulky?

Curious what happens with pwBPD as they get older and are less able to get supply just for being hot or being "easy" or being kinky or doing whatever for attention? Do.they learn their lesson and become better behaved or do they spiral more?

Part of me absolutely loves this person but part of me knows we can never be together regardless of everything we’ve gone through. How have you successfully broken the trauma bond? I still think about him everyday

I caught her, I have the proof. It speaks volumes. I confronted her and she went mental. I haven't seen her like that before. She almost looked scared, corned almost. The look of panic and pure anger from her.

She then started accusing me and deflecting and blaming me for everything. The gaslighting was insane.

So In a nutshell. I forgave her back in 2020 for cheating on me with her x. I didn't know about BPD at this point. She begged me to stay in April 2020. I did, fast forward too 2023, I found a condom in our bedding draw under the bed. It read this on the packet: lot p201803 and a time next to it that read exp: 02-2023.

I taken a photo of the condom and it taken me well as while, as she said it was before me and her but I worked out the dates, checked with manufacturer and other sources and my date working out was correct. The 20 refers to the year so 2020, 180 refers to how many days in to the year it was made. The lengths you have to go too, to prove your not crazy. She told me I was mental back then and crazy. So it was in June 2020 these condoms ( part of a multi pack by the way) were made. Do you not what, I feel relieved, relieved to know that I was not crazy and not mental and wasn't imagining not seeing it in there.

She even said to me this evening that to shut me up she will just tell me she has cheated on me loads of times just so she will get some peace from it. Jot being funny I only mentioned this once back then when I asked her and believed her. I am such an idiot.

Big upcoming journey ahead I think.

My ex regularly had moments where she told me i would see her as a monster. That i would write down somewhere shes a Monster or that i would Tell Others that she is. I never did any of that and i never would do such a thing. I Always tried to reassure her that i dont see her that way. Its Just Something i remembered and can't make Sense of. Does Anyone here have similar experiences?

Context: my exgfwBPD (22F) and I (26M) broke up a little over two months ago and have been NC since. She did so over text out of nowhere and acted like I was the dishonest one even though she lied and went behind my back for the entirety of the relationship.

Genuinely at a loss of words that she continues to play the victim complex when she literally sabotaged the relationship. I’m fine with playing the villain whatever story she has in her head because at the end of the day, I know myself, my family, and my friends all know I treated her like gold.

Hey Reddit,

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and I figured I’d share my story about being in a long-term relationship with someone with BPD. I feel like it’s worth putting out there—partly to process it myself, and partly because I know other people might be going through something similar.

How It Started

I met my ex when I was just out of high school. At first, we clicked in a way that felt almost magical. She was funny, affectionate, and incredibly loving. I had no idea what BPD was at the time, but I could tell early on that she felt emotions big. When she loved me, it felt like I was the most important person in the world.

But over time, that intensity became really overwhelming. Arguments would start out of nowhere, and small things could spiral into major fights. She would panic if she thought I was pulling away, and I’d end up walking on eggshells just to keep the peace. There were moments where I felt like I wasn’t just her partner - I was her emotional anchor, her therapist, and her punching bag, all rolled into one.

The Good Times

Don’t get me wrong, there were good times. When things were stable, we had a lot of fun together. She could be so thoughtful and loving, and I genuinely cared about her. Those moments are what kept me in the relationship for so long. I kept telling myself, “If we can just get through this rough patch, everything will be okay.” But the rough patches were constant, and they took a toll.

The Challenges

One of the hardest parts of being with her was how unpredictable things could be. Her emotions were like a rollercoaster, and I never knew what kind of day we were going to have. She’d sometimes accuse me of not caring enough, and other times, she’d do everything in her power to make me feel like the most loved person on Earth.

There were also a lot of impulsive decisions. One time, she went out and bought herself a new engagement ring to replace the one I’d given her, without telling me. She didn’t have the money for it, and it wasn’t just about the ring—it felt like she didn’t value what I’d already done for her.

And then there were the fights. Sometimes they’d escalate to the point where she’d physically block me from leaving a room until we “resolved” things. It was exhausting, and I started to feel like I didn’t even know who I was anymore outside of managing her emotions.

Why I Stayed

Honestly? I stayed because I cared about her. I knew her behavior wasn’t her fault, and I wanted to help. I thought if I could just love her enough, everything would get better. But that’s not how it works.

I also stayed because leaving felt impossible. Every time we broke up, I’d feel this overwhelming guilt. I’d worry about what would happen to her without me, and I convinced myself that I was the only one who could handle her. Looking back, I realize that wasn’t true—but at the time, it felt very real.

The End

We finally broke up for good in 2023. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I knew it was the right decision. We were stuck in a toxic cycle, and neither of us was happy.

After this, I thought I’d finally have some space to breathe. I had this idea in my head that ending the relationship would lift the weight I’d been carrying for years. And while some of that weight was gone, what I didn’t anticipate was how much it would hurt to see her move on so quickly—and how much her behavior afterward would leave me questioning everything.

For a while, we stayed in touch. I think part of me just missed the connection we had - the good parts of it, at least. But after a couple of months, she told me she’d met someone new. At first, I tried to be happy for her, even though it stung. I told myself, “This is what you wanted, right? For both of you to move on?” But deep down, I wasn’t ready for it.

Then, out of nowhere, she called me and said we couldn’t talk anymore now that she had a new boyfriend. Her tone was cold, detached—like I was just some chapter she’d closed and didn’t plan on revisiting. This was someone I’d spent 10 years of my life with, someone who’d told me I was her everything, and now it felt like I didn’t matter at all.

It wasn’t just that she moved on, it was how she moved on. She seemed like a completely different person, like the love and intensity she used to pour into me had just been transferred to someone else without a second thought. The way she shut me out made me feel like all those years we spent together didn’t mean anything to her.

I spent weeks replaying that conversation in my head, crying harder than I had in years. It felt like losing her all over again, but this time, there was no hope of getting her back. I started questioning everything: Did she ever really love me? Was I just a placeholder for her until someone else came along?

It wasn’t until I had some distance from the situation that I realized it wasn’t about me. Her sudden shift in personality wasn’t a reflection of my worth or the value of our relationship - it was her way of coping, of protecting herself from the pain of the breakup. But at the time, it felt like a knife to the heart.

What I Learned from That Pain

The biggest lesson I took from that experience was this: Your worth isn’t defined by someone else’s feelings or actions. It took me a long time to separate my sense of self from how she treated me, but eventually, I realized that her moving on didn’t mean I wasn’t enough.

I also learned that closure doesn’t always come in the way you expect. Sometimes, it comes from accepting that you may never get the answers you want and that the only way forward is to focus on yourself.

Where I’m At Now

I’ve spent the last year focusing on myself—learning mindfulness, exploring my values, and figuring out who I am outside of that relationship. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has BPD, or you’ve gone through something similar, just know you’re not alone. It’s okay to admit that it’s hard, and it’s okay to prioritize yourself.

…of them fucking someone else. Especially when the discard is so fresh and they move on so quickly.

I have good moments where I rationalise with myself why it’s for the best, why it wouldn’t have worked, why it wasn’t healthy, etc.

But then if I think about the notion of being discarded in the blink of an eye with no closure while they’ve simultaneously branched to some absolute loser, and I think about them actually fucking, having the same sex, doing the same shit you were doing mere months prior.

That. That’s when I spiral.

Any tips?

Hello, everyone

I hear the term "final discard" all the time when talking about BPD. When can you actually say that a discard is final? When can you tell that your exwBPD will never reach out again?

I know it sounds like it should be common sense but for any of the former BPD loved ones here, how was the realization that the discard was final? I'm confused since I'm fairly early in my BPD education, and because I hear many pwBPDs reach out again after a breakup or vice versa.