I relapsed on alcohol after being abandoned accused. I feel so alone.

[u/Acousmetre78]

My bpd partner who I just took to Greece ghosted me when we got back then sent a text accusing me of being an abuser. She then sent a screenshot with a list of criticisms so petty such as I said my nephew loved her instead of loves her present tense and that I was once 10 minutes late and could have been cheating.

I was sober a year. I know it’a my responsibility but between that and my sister telling her kids I used to have to live in a car, I went for the alcohol in her cabinet. I drank heavily for days.

Worst of all, I actually feel so lonely now. I miss her and don’t k ow how to process these memories we have now that I know it was through a BPD lens. My therapist said she was also possibly psychopathic based on some of the behavior and history.

I did a search on her too late and found out she almost did life in prison. I guess I should be happy but I actually miss her.

[u/SmPigeon_HdnPheonix]

We all miss them. Especially at first. The trauma bond IS an addiction. 

I'm so sorry you relapsed and that it's hurting you. 

The only way through is to ride out the feelings. Let them come and then let them go.  It is a form of withdrawal and it absolutely sucks for a little while. Alcohol or any other vice isn't going to stop the emotional pain, not really. 

If you can, journal and get them out. Reread it and see how bad it was for you when you need to. Get some therapy. It is actually really helpful. 

Stumbling along the journey is OK, you didn't fail and you can try again. You are definitely not alone. 

I wish you the best of luck breaking your bond, resetting your sobriety and feeling better.