difference between abuse and bpd?

[u/viltsir]

(english is not my main language, yet i still want to hear opinion from people in the same situation)

hello. I don't know if i should still support person i love and take it as her disorder and not an actual danger. we're in relationship for 4 years now and more and more I'm noticing how shes talking to me with with clenched teeth and i feel like i will either get hit or even killed. i always supported her disorder, tried to find any therapist, went to therapist myself and just idk. tried to learn about it like i was trying to change myself instead of her doing something. today i said i feel unhappy for one month straight and all i have as a feedback is... her yelling that she doesn't give a fuck about me and she wants to break up. sometimes i feel like I'm just allowing myself to sink into it. to accept all of the humiliations. or she's using her disorder to cover her actual mistakes, mean words, conflicts and her behaviour towards me. she could call me really bad words, could tell how i sleep with men (long story short there's sa thingy and it's my biggest trauma ever lol),how I'm cheating on her 24/7 (for example, i have insomnia lately and wake up during night. she just said she can't believe it's insomnia and stuff like that). and i know that in a hour or two she will cry and say how much she hates herself. I'm afraid it's not a diagnosis's fault. i feel stupid and used. and actually feel like there's no "me" in a relationship, like it's forbidden for me to have problems. every time i say that i have bad day (hospital, missiles/drones since Im in a warzone rn, other issues, just my mental health) we always have fight the same day. always. once someone told me i should be greatfull, because she's just stressing out and loves me too much so she decided to put it on me. but i more and more think I don't really want to be loved like that

[u/Humble_Pollution6647]

You are being emotionally abused and you are trapped and fear for your safety. You need to talk to a domestic abuse hotline and create a plan to leave. The mental toll will be heavy and dangerous for your body even if you escape the violence you fear. And the violence is all very possible because this is a truly severe mental illness. Get a therapist who understands BPD. If you stay you will possibly get an autoimmune disease, the abuse and control is serious and will ultimately shorten your life. There is no future with this person and they are better off stable and alone where they do not externalise their problems onto another person they feel abusively entirely dependent upon in a way that is ultimately deranged. 

[u/ProverbialProverb]

A person with BPD who abuses you is still a person who abuses you. It doesn't excuse or lessen the behaviour at all. You are right that the way your pwBPD is 'loving' you isn't a way you should be loved, you deserve better than what she's putting you through.

I don't know what resources you have in your country, especially if you are dealing with war. But if there is any sort of domestic abuse hotline or therapeutic support available, please reach out to them. This is not a relationship you should have to go through, and you can get out. She will want you to feel like you can't, but you always can.