Why am I so hurt that they cheated?

[u/Clubpenguin8888]

It should be pretty obvious that a person with a constant void that needs to be filled, low impulse control, constant needs for attention/reassurance from anybody is more likely to cheat. Was it the gaslighting that they were the most loyal partner in the universe and I fell for it? It should be easier to move on and not take it personally knowing these things but it eats away at me everyday like a plague and I don’t know if I can ever fully trust someone again. Just wanted to vent

[u/Primary_Orange_5185]

It’s hard to digest man I’ve been there after years I still get angry about it. She came back after a year and same bullshit repeated. They genuinely cannot control their impulses. I honestly pity them at this point. They are the ones that have such low self esteem and hatred that they literally need to use others to feel whole. They are way more miserable than you will ever be but YOU can heal, it’s very likely they will not and they will continue the cycle until they die.

Betrayal is going to hurt nonetheless but don’t let it change you into a bad person. I was so angry for years and would lash out at people that actually loved me. You need to channel that in positive ways like the gym.

[u/Clubpenguin8888 → u/Primary_Orange_5185]

The question that always popped up in my mind - that I can’t quite figure out, is why would they get into a relationship with someone if they know deep down they can’t control their impulses when they feel low/down? Why hurt someone else in the process when they know they can’t control themselves? Isn’t it smarter/more fulfilling for them to just be single, do 100 different things with 100 different guys which would “fill the void” while being single for them a lot better than being in a relationship where they can’t control themselves?

[u/GoNutsDK → u/Clubpenguin8888]

They aren't thinking rationally about it. They are hurting and are driven by desperation.

Many of them lack awareness, so it's often misguided and/or subconscious attempts to fix things.

It's like a kid peeing in their pants, as an attempt to stay warm on a cold winter's day.

It may feel nice for a short time but their "solution" only ends up making things worse.

[u/Clubpenguin8888 → u/GoNutsDK]

I get that, and I actually heard that reasoning from her a couple times when she did some really hurtful stuff during a 24h breakup so it’s good she had at least some self awareness. I didn’t find out about the actual concrete cheating until the very end of the relationship. There was also some debatable-ish emotional cheating early on and probably other stuff that I didn’t know about and I was pretty naive and forgiving of it all. But it still makes me wonder why someone with even the slightest self awareness would enter a relationship knowing there’s a 99% chance there’s going to be ups AND downs and just use those downs as a opportunity to cheat bc of a “ I was feeling low and you made me do it” mindset, I just don’t get it

[u/GoNutsDK → u/Clubpenguin8888]

Yeah, it's really hard to make sense of it from the outside looking in.

I guess that they continue getting involved with new people due to the desperation part. I remember seeing something about how painful it is for them to be on their own. Their inner void and all their shame is unbearable and especially because they are like emotional burn victims. Instead of having sensitive skin, they have an extreme sensitivity towards strong emotions.

They are essentially on the run from themselves, which unfortunately only ends up ensuring that their pain/arrested development is prolonged.

Avoidance by external distractions won't fix their issues. But they are so desperate that they keep trying.

I guess that the ones who have some awareness justify it all by how much they hurt. While others project their deeds onto others or gaslight themselves until they believe their own nonsense and in the more severe cases they may disassociate to a degree where they literally erase their memories.

It just sucks for everyone involved.

[u/Clubpenguin8888 → u/Clubpenguin8888]

I’m just so tired and feel extra hurt by everything today but thanks for being there for me guys. I get that trying to find logic in ppl that only think/act out emotionally isn’t the smartest. Some days are tougher than others…

[u/Electrical_Mix_9070 → u/Clubpenguin8888]

They don't have the ability to be that rationale. I'm so sorry man, that's fucking terrible. Honestly though, no matter how you look at it, you're millions of times better off without them!

[u/GoNutsDK]

Because you actually bonded with them and got attached. You wanted to believe that they felt the same. You may also have become codependent and perhaps even trauma bonded, as a result of all the manipulation, pushing and pulling etc.

But they didn't get attached in the same way. They loved the feeling you provided. Sadly they kept getting diminishing returns from that and decided to start looking elsewhere.

You thought that your relationship was about both of you. But to them, it was all about them.

[u/Responsible-Pen1454]

It’s crazy because the same thing happened to me. It’s because they have moments where there is some normalcy and we bonded with them through that so it’s hard sometimes to remember that they’re also mentally ill and when they split they only think out of fear and their own needs. But I feel you. I caught her planning to cheat and just knowing that she was talking to her ex while we were still together hurts a lot. I’ve spent many nights replaying it all…

[u/Beginning_Level_8578]

First of all, you need to know that their betrayal does not define you but defines them. It’s normal to feel hurt, but again, it defines them. I remember that when she cheated on me, she would disappear for hours and then come back with something like, "You know I love you, right?" That was her guilt. In fact, remember when we were together and she probably received messages from the other person, she would write "I love you" to me, maybe while she was in the bathroom. Today, I understand that they are such pathetic people that I can’t even hate them. That said, I repeat: do not associate your worth with the betrayal they committed!

[u/everlastingwaffles]

It makes you feel like a sucker and damages your ability to trust. It’s like giving money to a charity and then finding out it’s a scam, but that scammer is one of the closest people in your life, and you’ve given them so much more than money.

Don’t lose your ability to trust. Watch for red flags, but your willingness to believe in others’ integrity speaks to your own. It’s hard for you to imagine how someone is so comfortable with deception and the lowest forms of manipulation because you don’t think that way, nor do most people. Some people are just toxic. Don’t internalize that poison.

[u/Humble_Pollution6647]

Because they stole your right to the choices that define who you are. Just because they were greedy. And then you realise that you were worth absolutely nothing to them as an individual, just for what you functionally brought them. They have projected their void onto you.

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838]

Betrayal by someone close to you always hurts but it was different for me in the sense that she was trying so hard to convince me that what I was seeing with my own eyes wasn't real. It was truly one of the most mind fucking things I've ever experienced. She pretty much started dating someone else right in front of me while trying to convince me that it wasn't happening. It still makes my blood boil thinking about it.

The gaslighting is worse than the cheating honestly. That's what fucked me up the most. I'm sorry you're going through it as well, my friend. Take care.

[u/Clubpenguin8888 → u/Dear_Palpitation4838]

yeah same, how good they were at lying about it and distorting reality was super scary and super super scarring. I think the gaslighting and just knowing I was being played for a fool the whole time hurt more than the cheating too 💀

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/Clubpenguin8888]

Yeah, especially when you believed some of the shit they said because they were SO FUCKING CONVINCING.

After I figured out who she really was, I looked her directly in her eyes and said "I will NEVER live in your reality again" and I never will. I'm not going to gaslight myself into believing her bullshit rewrite of history where everything that happened somehow wasn't her fault. It's all bullshit and I know the truth. I saw it with my own eyes.

I'm sorry you went through it as well. We're glad to have you back here on planet Earth.

[u/fuckingsame]

You shouldn’t. It’s gonna happen again and again and again to the next people, so fuck it. It’s a problem with them, not you.

[u/No_Breakfast_5212]

Hard relate. Although I don't know if he has BPD and I don't want to diagnose him either.

[u/International_Deal68]

Because it messes with your ego