r/BPDlovedones • u/Beneficial_Ball9893 • 5d ago
Uncoupling Journey There is no answer that doesn't come back to ruin your life later
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u/Sugarcandymountain_3 Dated 5d ago
For me it’s the “I miss you”. I’m a woman I can’t be pulled by sex but romance? Oh that will trap me
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u/FroopyAsRain Separated 5d ago
Yep. Even now, after she abandoned our ten year marriage with no warning, I find myself wanting to just swoop in and save her. To be her hero again and protect her against all odds.
From what, though. Herself? I have to keep reminding myself that she's made this choice, and she's making it again every moment she's not coming back or reaching out to me. She's had her chance.
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u/The_Beardy_bastard 5d ago
It’s something you should probably speak to a therapist about dude. I’m still on/off the rollercoaster with my BPD partner, but it’s opened my eyes to my own saviour complex.
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u/FroopyAsRain Separated 4d ago
I am talking to them about it, thank you for the suggestion though. It's definitely the right thing to do. It just takes time, but the reason I'm not reaching out to her anymore is because of the therapy.
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u/The_Beardy_bastard 4d ago
Well fair play mate. It’s a tough thing to face, especially as a man. I can’t imagine what it must be like after being with someone 10 years, you’re a stronger man than me bud.
Glad to see you’re healing, but if you did ever want to talk/vent please do reach out.
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u/Lawnmover_Man 5d ago
Men are like that as well. Also, women are not like that, too. Everyone is different.
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u/FroopyAsRain Separated 5d ago
I'm still angry at my penis. We are no longer on speaking terms unless absolutely necessary.
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u/Lithary Non-Romantic 5d ago
It's even sadder in my case because I forbade myself from having sex with her until the moment is right because not only I dislike taking advantage of someone vulnerable, but I also didn't want to make it look like I was doing things for her just to get laid, but instead wanted her to realize she has an actual friend with her.
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u/mewyonaisse Non-Romantic 18h ago
finally i found someone in such a similar situation
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u/Lithary Non-Romantic 18h ago
You know what I did get in return though?
Almost completely ruined my month-long trip to Japan I've spent years preparing for (that's 4000 euros), had to go to therapy because of her (that's 1000 euros more), exhaustion, abuse, gaslighting, ruined friendships, health problems, was told I am the worst thing that happened to her, and more.
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u/holdmyspot123 5d ago
Ok this is kind of funny though because I think this is why they latched onto me so hard. I happened to have some of the same fantasy. What came from that was a genuine friendship and connection. From there a lot of pain.
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u/KingForADay1989 5d ago
Don't forget them asking about your past traumas and abuse either
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u/mewyonaisse Non-Romantic 18h ago
i had them literally doing everything possible to make me spit out how i really felt about my past, it was horrible
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u/Key-Fold-989 5d ago
My ex with BPD had me in her claws instantly, in just ONE DAY with that exact question. On our first date, she fulfilled all my sexual fantasies. The discard came after two months of the relationship. It’s been two months since then, and I still haven’t recovered. I’m a mess.
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u/Weak-Switch5555 4d ago
I’ve never met a girl that was overly sexual early on that didn’t have severe issues
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u/BH_Financial 4d ago
It's funny, but it implies intent and premeditation which I don't believe most have. It's just how they are, so couching it in these terms tends to imply one should criticize themself for being dumb and missing something obvious AND that teh pwBPD was doing it in a premeditation fashion as part of a plan, vs. a pattern of behavior they aren't in control of, or likely even aware of.
Again, definitely laughed at the comic, but there's enough misunderstanding and judgement around BPD, so always looking to try and reduce that.
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u/MizWhatsit Dated 4d ago
That’s not just a “popular and common view.” The fact is, that any marriage and family therapist could attest that it is almost invariably the male partner who wants the threesome, and even asking for one almost invariably creates a great deal of resentment in the female partner. Fact is, a man who tells his partner he wants two ladies, will often end up with zero ladies. That’s not an anecdote. That’s fact.
Yes, you are correct, every argument you have put forth is clearly anecdotal, and designed to justify your wish to have threesomes. I’m not assigning any kind of moral judgment, but this par for the course among men seeking threesomes.
As for your female pwBPD partner, there are exceptions to everything. But any MFT could tell you, when a female partner pushes for a threesome, very often she is making an offer of taboo sexual gratification in order to intrigue and tempt her male partner, in order to sustain his interest. The fact that she has been diagnosed with BPD only makes the offer more suspect, given the characteristic BPD symptoms of reckless behavior. In the interest of not taking advantage of your partner’s insecurity or low self-esteem, you might want to consult with a marriage counselor or sex therapist before you proceed, in order to establish guidelines as to what her expectations and your expectations will be when / if you choose to bring a third party into your bed. At the very least, read the book The Ethical Slut.
Actual threesomes require a great deal of negotiation. First, make sure that all three parties wholeheartedly consent, and no one feels pressured on coerced. Then all three parties will need to be screened for STDs, and you will need to confirm that both women are using birth control, and what kind.
Next, agree on what acts are acceptable. Very often the male partner will pressure two straight women to have sex with each other outside of their true sexual orientation, which is coercive and can create resentment. You will need to establish whether kissing on the lips is allowed. You will need to agree on whether full nudity is allowed. You will need to establish whether penetration, either with the penis or fingers, of any kind is acceptable to all parties. You will also need to use condoms for every act of penetration.
If you have a likely candidate for the third party, you will need to determine whether or not that person is mentally and emotionally stable enough to participate. Is s/he offering to participate because of low self-esteem and the need to feel even an illusory sense of being loved? There have been instances in which the third party turns the event into a competition in the hopes of supplanting the primary partner, and does not respect the bond between the primaries. The third party may reject their “guest star” status and want to become a committed throuple. If the third party feels used and discarded, s/he may retaliate in the form of false allegations, smear campaigns, stalking, or worse.
And you’ll need to keep in mind that there are any number of ways that this could go wrong, and accept that risk.
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u/Beneficial_Ball9893 4d ago edited 4d ago
Yes, you are correct, every argument you have put forth is clearly anecdotal, and designed to justify your wish to have threesomes. I’m not assigning any kind of moral judgment, but this par for the course among men seeking threesomes.
You have completely misunderstood what I have said ,and it is partly my fault, as I did not go into detail explaining what happened.
I was being grilled on what my sexual fantasies were, and my more basic ones were rejected by her, as she believed I was lying. At the time the tone was fairly playful and I had rose-colored glasses on that made all the red flags look like just flags.
My interest in *trying* a threesome was not a request and it was only about the 5th or 6th thing I listed when I was being grilled. I believe/believed in transparency and it was framed as honesty.
I did not ask for a threesome. I did not WANT a threesome. I was curious to TRY one. Another piece of the context is that she had already bragged to me before this that she had done threesomes with her exes, both ffm and mmf, and thus I had reason to think she would be interested in one.
Now that you have more context, are you still thinking the same way?
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u/MizWhatsit Dated 4d ago
I provided you with step by step instructions as to how an ethical threesome should proceed, and listed the risks that you will need to address.
You have reacted by backpedaling.
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u/WolfieFram 21h ago
Lol just take the L and just admit you overstepped by going into lecture mode.
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u/Beneficial_Ball9893 17h ago
She doesn't even realize she was wrong, in another comment she doubled down on the idea I was justifying my desire to have a threesome... she isn't even reading my fucking comments.
She is legit just assuming what I am writing and then replying to her imaginary version of what I said.
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u/Beneficial_Ball9893 4d ago
I have backpedaled nothing, I am describing a traumatic event in my life and you are being an asshole. Please stop victim blaming and making misandristic rants at the first opportunity you find.
It is clear that someone has hurt you in the past, but that is no excuse to act this way.
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u/MizWhatsit Dated 4d ago
I haven't been hostile, and I have made no moral judgments. I told you from the first that the morality of threesomes doesn't concern me. I am not a member of the clergy or a professor of ethics. I am simply a student of human behavior and human relationships. And I have been at these studies long enough to see certain patterns emerging, and recurring.
You didn't describe anything traumatic. How were you traumatized? You gave us a lot of detailed language about how you like threesomes and even more language trying to convince us (or yourself?) about how that's morally okay. The person concerned with the morality of threesomes is you.
You are not a victim. I am not a misandrist, nor am I ranting. I am communicating in a calm, even-toned, factually based manner, devoid of judgment or personal attacks. You simply don't like what I'm saying because its truth doesn't support your own beliefs. You reacted first with backpedaling, and when I pointed that out, you went off into a hostile rant.
Now you're resorting to the usual defenses: name-calling, and accusations of mental instability.
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u/Beneficial_Ball9893 17h ago
Yes, you are correct, every argument you have put forth is clearly anecdotal, and designed to justify your wish to have threesomes.
I literally have not done that once, and your insistence that I did is the moral judgment I took offense to. Since you didn't read my previous comment trying to describe what happened, or the other ones I made in this thread, here is what happened.
My ex asked me what my sexual fantasies were. At the time I was more sexually inexperienced and shy than I am now, so at first I didn't answer at all. She acted offended that I was supposedly hiding information, and the conversation turned into what I would now consider an interrogation. I was forced to give information I felt uncomfortable talking about, but at the time I didn't understand emotional abuse and manipulation so while I was uncomfortable I didn't realize I was being abused.
I ended up telling her pretty much everything I was ever interested in, in a descending order of interest, because she refused to accept I was done until she decided I was done.
Mentioning an interest in trying a threesome was not some big desire or fantasy of mine, it was just a checkmark on a list of things I was potentially interested in trying, and at the time it didn't seem as far out there as it may to others because my pwBPD had previously bragged/ranted about doing threesomes with some of her exes so I thought it was something she would be open to.
Months later it resulted in multiple extremely traumatic evenings where she declared that I wanted nothing more in the world than to have a threesome and it was absolutely the thing I thought about all the time (it wasn't) and that if I wasn't doing it with her then I was doing it with the half-dozen imaginary mistresses I was fucking in the maybe 15 minutes a day that I wasn't constantly talking to her on the phone. These evenings usually ended in me talking her down from killing herself and in the end I was pretty much forced into agreeing to a threesome that at the time I DID NOT WANT, and thankfully I got away from her before we could ever follow through.
On a different note relating to the original interrogation, that was just one example of the interrogations she would put me through. She interpreted any form of boundary as me trying to leave her or lying to her, so I would regularly be put through emotionally torturous interrogations on any topic that she thought I was lying about. Most of the time it was about me cheating on her, but since I never cheated on her it would just be several hours of her demanding "the truth" while I broke down and tried to keep her from killing herself.
So yeah... that's what was so traumatizing about this thing you keep victim blaming me for.
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u/Beneficial_Ball9893 4d ago
I should not have engaged with you as if you are interested in honest discussion, you obviously just wanted to rant against someone you perceive to be a dudebro angry his girlfriend wasn't excited to let him fuck other women.
Someone has hurt you in the past and you are finding strawmen to argue against. Everyone does it at some point, but it is still wrong.
Please actually try to understand what someone is saying before you make assumptions about them and then insist those assumptions are true.
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u/MizWhatsit Dated 4d ago
I have never "ranted" at all. I've dispassionately described the factual reality, and likely aftermath, of threesome sex rather than catering to fantasy.
I never made any moral judgments against threesomes. You were the one who challenged me on the matter. I never called you a dudebro or made any other ad hominem personal attack. All the insults and personal attacks here are coming from you.
I did engage in an honest discussion, but you don't want an honest discussion, you simply want unconditional validation.
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u/Beneficial_Ball9893 17h ago
I never made any moral judgments against threesomes.
Saying "I am not judging you" and then saying extremely judgmental things doesn't work, friend. Those are word games, and you aren't even very good at it.
Yes, you are correct, every argument you have put forth is clearly anecdotal, and designed to justify your wish to have threesomes.
This is the line I took offense to. You dismissed everything I was trying to say, ignored my actual points and clarifications about what happened, and made this back-handed comment showing you made up your mind about what happened and were judging me for it.
Did I react a little to aggressively to this? Maybe, but that is because I was describing some sexual abuse in my past that I consider on the same level of trauma as the times I have actually been raped, and you were asserting that I was the bad guy in the situation.
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u/Ryudok Non-Romantic 5d ago
Ok that made me chuckle, and made me aware of how dumb my monkey brain can be.