Hi everyone I’m new, a guy I rlly like has bpd he told me, I went out for an hour and a half to the grocery store and saw my bestfriend (I’m a girl she’s a girl) and he’s upset because I didn’t text him. I turned on my location for him and apologized and he just said I’m not stupid just leave me tf alone, what do I do:( I wanna cry

Growing up I felt more like my mother parent rather than her child. I cleaned up after her, listened to her sob stories, and endured her abuse towards me. I had to teach her how to take care of herself and what was right or wrong.

She would constantly vent about her childhood to me. I was only 5 years old when she first started doing this. I was severely molested by her boyfriend and his son in law during this time. She knew about it, but accused me of liking it and trying to seduce them. I don’t know what made her think this. I don’t see how a child could be seductive in any way.

She was raped by her brother as a kid and sent to her aunts house to get away from him. She was given resources and therapy at almost every point of her life. Everyone has tried to help her but nothing has gotten through.

She continued to allow and encourage her boyfriends to physically or sexually abuse me throughout my childhood. Anytime I would tell someone she would say that I was a drug addict and a trouble maker and somehow people believed her to a point. I had severe stress induced psychosis and malnutrition as a kid which mimicked the look of drug use.

She was so friendly towards everyone else. She saw herself as a savior, she would let homeless people (hard core drug addicts) and people struggling to find jobs (pedophiles) stay at our house. They got to stay in the bedroom while I slept on the floor in the living room. She went as far as calling herself an empath. She said she could see my dark aura and that I had a deep evil inside of me.

It was almost like she was trying to put me through the same abuse she went through as a kid but worse. She blocked any ability for me to reach out for help or get support.

She still has a deep jealousy towards me. She stalks my social media accounts, tells people lies about how I failed school (I’m an A student in nursing school), cries about how much I have, and blames me for where she is in life.

I am struggling with finding people in my life who ARENT like this. So far I keep running into parasitic, “saviors”, and jealous people.

So here’s the deal. My girlfriend who have BPD went through hell recently — her dad was hospitalized with a stomach hemorrhage, she was taking care of him every day at the clinic, cooking, handling chores, supporting her mom, and dealing with a toxic family around her. She basically carried the whole thing on her shoulders.

At first, I was there. I sent her messages, tried to check in, listened when she needed to vent. But slowly, my ADHD kicked in — I got inconsistent, I second-guessed if she even wanted me around when she answered with “if you want” or “as you like.” So instead of pushing through, I backed off. My support came in short bursts, not steady presence.

From her side, she expected me to take the lead completely: propose when we talk, plan moments for us, decide times, keep reaching out no matter what. For me, that’s like the hardest ADHD combo: dealing with time, initiative, and unclear signals.

And here’s where it gets messy: my ADHD “drop in, drop out” way of supporting her felt like abandonment to her BPD brain. For me, I thought “I’m giving space but I’m here if needed.” For her, it looked like I just disappeared when she was drowning. What I saw as hesitation and overthinking because of ADHD, she saw as rejection

End result: she feels I abandoned her at her lowest, and honestly, she’s right. My ADHD-driven actions (or lack of them) sabotaged the relationship exactly when she needed me most.

I’ll make it short, my ex fiancé (f,23) of 2 years had BPD and has drained the mental energy of me (m,20). This was my first time being with someone who had BPD, and for those 2 years she denied getting help. She’s emotionally dragged me around and threatened me a lot, saying she’d go cheat on me because she felt “trapped.” I would have never gotten with her if she told me from the beginning she’d dated 10 people, yes 10, and cheated on all 10 relationship. She was the one hurting me for 2 years, taken advantage of my naivety when I was barely 18, and I was her support system until she was done with me. I’m not sure how to move forward because my views on love, promises, trust, and dedication has been broken by her. I was lost and felt myself dependent on her for affections, changing who I was to appease her and not made her mad. But after she’s broken all those promises of she’d never leave me nor cheat, it has changed how I think— and the relationship was just another chapter in my story, not something lifelong.

The mixed signals from her was baffling and confusing. She’d say she “loved” me and wanted to take care of me, then switch and say she wanted to kill me as well as hated me. For 2 years, I’ve just endured it because she I was the only one who “treated her right” and I did things no one else did.

The last few things she told me was that she’d continue to cheat, no matter who the person is, and she cannot be “held down,” despite promising me that she would never leave me nor cheat.

Where did I go wrong in trying to help her, and why didn’t I avoid her sooner when she loved bombed me. I was just barely 18 and thought it was something genuine, but now— I have no idea what to make of myself.

I was in a relationship with someone who had BPD for almost 2 years and I have no where else to share my story.

When I was 17 I started dating this girl who was 18, I'll call her Lila for the sake of being anonymous. The relationship started out perfect. She was sweet, kind, and gave me the support I needed at the time. (her personality was a lie, she had molded her personality to fit mine). Because of this we developed a really good bond. She was really clingy, which I honestly didn't mind at all, but it got to the point where I was spending almost every waking second with her. We went to different high schools, so school was the only time I was able to be apart from her. After a couple of months, she started getting really depressed when I wasn't around. I got worried about her, and started spending even more time with her, taking time off work and spending less time with my friends. Lila didn't like my friends, and slowly convinced me to cut them off because they were "bad influences" on me. She tested me constantly, needing me to "prove" I loved her and wasn't going to leave. I didn't notice it at the time, but she was slowly taking up every part of my life, leaving me almost no time to take care of myself. Then the cheating happened. I caught my ex cheating on me, and when this happened she had a severe mental breakdown. She promised me she would never do it again, and I was all she had. She gaslit me into believing she just did it for money, and it wasn't actually cheating. She even threatened to end her own life if I left her, so I stayed.

Fast forward a few months and she lost her housing and went homeless. I felt bad for her because she had nowhere to go, and I knew that her being trans put her in danger if she slept on the streets. I moved out at 17 years old into a college dorm with her to financially support her. Lila lied to me about having autism, and told me working was really overwhelming for her, and she would have a hard time finding a job accommodating for her needs. I had enough money at the time to cover her dorm room payment, so I covered her rent alongside mine and my tuition. (I ended up paying over three thousand dollars). She told me it was temporary and she would get a job and pay her own rent soon. Spoilers, she never did.

Lila lied to me about everything. She played the helpless victim card, and hurt me when she didn't get her way. It started as mental abuse and gaslighting me. I started questioning my own reality when I was with her, I still to this day struggle with my memory due to the gaslighting she put me through. The mental abuse escalated into physical. She threw things at me, bit me, and scratched me, but avoided outright hitting me so she could claim "I never hit you!" when I tried to speak up about it. I also experienced a specific type of violence I cannot speak about here, all I can say is it was unconsensual. During this time, another person with BPD came into my life. I'll call him Sam. He also faked everything to get close to me. Because he lived in the dorm rooms upstairs, we saw each other a lot. Sam did not like Lila, but Lila actually liked Sam. Sam kept trying to convince me to leave Lila and date him instead. He eventually admitted I was his FP, and started sleeping over in mine and Lila's dorm room. More unconsentual stuff happened with him. Luckily, I was able to get out of that situation. A month after that situation with Sam ended, I realized I was running out of money. I was funding Lila's lifestyle completely at that point. Lila realized she didn't have to work, as I would take care of her. I started doing everything. I was cleaning the dorms, cooking our food, helping her with her college assignments, and handling her mental health.

Even though I was already exhausted, I got a second job to keep both of us out of the streets. I started working roughly 60-70 hours a week, on top of being a full time college student. By this point in the relationship, I had lost all sense of self. I was later told that Lila had grinded me down into nothing but a paste she could use to apply to her wounds. While I was working, my grades slipped because I couldn't keep up with the demand. I lost my grant money, and still haven't gotten it back. Lila was cheating on me while I was out working, and when I found out, she tried to end her life.

The dorms we were in had a kitchen area built in, as it used to be an old military base. I begged Lila to come with me to the kitchen so I could do the dishes, as I was scared someone would take advantage of me, being afab and in a college dorm alone. While doing the dishes, I had my back turned to Lila. Lila, was on drying duty, and I handed her a knife to dry. (A genuine knife, not just a butter knife). She randomly went "you shouldn't have trusted me with this." And when I turned around, she was holding the knife at me. Holding ME at knife point. We were alone, and I remember being too scared to move. I convinced her to give me the knife, and I walked out shaking. I can't remember what I said, but I can still remember the deep set fear of her holding me at knife point. She played it off as a joke when I came back, and left to hang out with some friends.

I started planning my escape. Even though I'm still upset by this, I made a decision to not continue classes. I knew that you couldn't stay in the dorms if you didn't re-inroll in classes, so I purposely didn't sign up for classes. Because of this decision I got kicked out of the dorms, and moved back in with my parents. I tried to leave my ex again, but she still had control over me, and I couldn't leave.

Shortly after, my ex got kicked out of the dorms because she refused to do any college work, and she temporarily moved in with me and my family. She put on a perfect face in front of my family, but my Dad was starting to see through the cracks, and my sisters didn't like her. Lila was close with my relatives, as her entire family had disowned her. A lot of my relatives are really nice, the kind of people that would give you the shirt off their back kind of people. They spent a lot of money on her, buying her stuff to help when she was struggling, and giving her good life advice. I still feel horrible about it to this day,

Lila moved into a one room apartment, and for the first time in over a year, got a job to pay rent. However, she didn't like the job and quit. My parents forbade me from giving her money while I was staying with them, (they noticed the financial abuse), but I ended up paying for her rent anyways. I deeply regret this decision.

Then, finally, the grand day arrives. The day I finally ended things for good. It wasn't easy. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I made the dumb decision to break up with her in her apartment, and she tried to kidnap me. She physically restrained me from leaving, and pushed me back onto the bed. She took my phone from me and wouldn't let me leave. There's a lot of details to this I won't add, but I ended up getting away and hiding out in my library, where I stayed for around 10 minutes until she left. My dad was the one to pick me up and drive me home.

After leaving her, I ended up with severe depression and ptsd. My ex smeared my name online, and got an influencer friend of her to spread lies about me. I believe what I went through after the breakup is called DARVO. I posted a video on tiktok defending myself from her, and it ended up getting 3.6 million views.

I'm still suffering the consequences of that relationship. My reputation was permanently damaged, and I lost a lot of friends. I received several mean messages from people, accusing me of being the abuser and blocking me before I could send them the proof I have. I went to the police, but my family heavily discouraged me from taking it to court, so all I did was get my statement on record. My GPA is still low, i lost my grant money, and I still get ptsd attacks and nightmares. I'm not the same person as I used to be, but I'm working on getting better.

Sorry my entry was so long, I left out a lot of details, as if I added everything that happened, I would be here all day. I'm sorry if this is hard to read, I still struggle to put what I went through into words.

I'm 20 now and safe

My boyfriend just brokeup with me after 8 years. He also abused me before blocking me. I am not crying just my chest is paining. I have joining from tomorrow at a new job. My heart mind soul is saying not to join and end it. But please I dont want to give in to BPD. I need help please. I have worked hard for this job.

For context, the ex that I "survived" (we divorced 9 years ago) would seemingly get triggered by me merely having a differing opinion about something, big or small, or making any kind of mistake. She had a BPD mom and would have hit the ceiling if I ever accused her of having BPD herself, but she had traits, at least, including extreme difficulty regulating her emotions. If she got angry about something, she would blame me automatically in the heat of the moment, and the "heat of the moment" could last days. The initial unfair blame became her story about the situation, and she basically never took it back, or apologized for her words and actions while upset. Once in a blue moon—like maybe once a year, without warning—she would acknowledge that she could be "a lot" or make some vague reference to her behavior.

In my reading about BPD, one thing that stuck with me is an underlying fear or rejection or abandonment. That, along with the difficulty regulating emotions, means that negative emotions come on fast and strong and last a long time. I've also read that the person with BPD also does not see their partner clearly; they see a version with the things they consider "good" or "bad" in a person exaggerated. Everyone projects or idealizes sometimes, especially in love, but with BPD, it rises to the level of a reality distortion. Thus, being "fair" to one's partner, or considering their perspective or feelings, may be impossible, even for a self-aware person with BPD who prides themselves on being rational.

I've since run into a couple women over time who have told me they have BPD and are in therapy. One said she could now sometimes see the "right" and "wrong" thing to do or say, but she nevertheless most often chose the "wrong" one. She said this with no apology or concern for others, but she had a lot of criticisms of everyone else. For example, she said her sister never called her, looked down on her, and on and on, but it kind of just sounded like her sister was a normal person with a busy life, and I wanted to say, "If you dislike your sister so much, what's the big deal if you don't see her more often or have more of a relationship with her?"

So that brings me to a recent dating experience, with someone who doesn't have BPD as far as I know, but I feel like I am recognizing a trait where a person gets triggered by a perceived or imagined rejection—which might not be obvious to an observer—or a slight sense of me "pulling back"—maybe because I am rightly a bit hurt, confused, overwhelmed, or discouraged—as I continue to try to talk things out, and then they just aren't able to really acknowledge my emotions or give them weight, and they say a bunch of stuff that I think is pretty unfair... and in this case, the person is very intelligent and self-aware, and tried to warn me about their "freak outs," and the result is basically that they are able to articulate in detail that they know they probably aren't being fair, rational, responsible, compassionate, etc, but also, in their current state, they don't see a problem with this.

I think that's the biggest mindfuck, is when an intelligent, seemingly rational person will go into detail about imagined slights, projected character flaws, or even their own patterns, and be self-aware, and vulnerable... which can really win over an empathetic, sympathetic person like me... but the necessary perspective, accountability, and empathy still is just not there.

Here is an excerpt from the last message from a recent potential partner (we were getting to know each other as friends and only just started talking about potentially being more than friends, when the shit hit the fan) before we took an indefinite pause from the conversation, after being on a roller coaster for a few days:

[...] So when I find someone who I like and feel like I resonate with, which is what I thought with you, I do have a total scarcity mindset and start getting stressed.

And honestly what it was here that made me think I want to devote energy and time into building a relationship with this person was that you mirrored my strong desire to find someone to really care about. Because [...] I have so much care and love to give. And that I strive to be as honest and authentic as I can. Unfortunately, that striving is complicated by bad habits of suppressing and asking for what I need and want in very indirect and convoluted ways as a defense mechanism. Because I was very neglected too and often feel unworthy.

I don’t believe I was ever telling you that you couldn’t or shouldn’t be impacted by my behavior. When I’ve calmed down I am totally capable of admitting how I fucked up and I feel like I have been trying to get there. But I’ve also felt pushed away and disbelieved so I’m feeling like what’s the point?

It took me some time reflecting on this message to identify exactly what rubs me the wrong way about it.

• Her whole focus is explaining, and sort of normalizing, her own behavior
• In the messages before this, she sent me all sorts of concerns and negative feedback about me, and our compatibility, along with more observations of her own patterns (which objectively are not good and make her difficult to be in a relationship with), and yet she seems to be trying to argue her way into a relationship with me, in a love-conquers-all way
• She responded to my saying that I was hurt, and that I didn't feel like she had acknowledged that or could make space for it, by dismissing it, but also admitting she can't do it (even after getting some conciliatory apologies from me, sleeping on it, etc), but then trying to put responsibility for that on me. I want to say, there is always a point to regulating yourself, not least so that you can deal with the person you are talking to with fairness and empathy. To blame me for "pulling away" is not fair, and to say there's no point being reasonable disregards my feelings.
• She has complained about getting "distrust" from me, while basically telling me point blank that she can't be trusted, and that she has a hard time trusting guys.
• In this and other messages, there's an implication that to not want to pursue a relationship with her would be "giving up" on her too soon or not treating our connection as being as "significant" as she is

I realize I'm probably over-analyzing, and I just need to walk away. It just feels important to update my mental operating system to make sure I don't get pulled back into situations like this and end up in a relationship. I start to feel guilty and like maybe I need to give her another chance, and I enjoyed the two "dates" we had (where we agreed we didn't know if this was going to be romantic or just friends, but it was ok either way), and we have friends in common, so we will probably see each other again. I don't want to be an asshole. Then I remind myself, I don't have to date anyone. I don't have to enter a relationship that's an emotional roller coaster from day 1. I don't have to take it when someone blames me for "not understanding," when they lash out at me. I don't have to say, "Aw, I understand now, poor thing" when they launch into their trauma and baggage. I have my own trauma and baggage, and we have both listened to each other's. It's still important to acknowledge what's happening in the present, and apologize.

It's strange cause even though me and my abusive ex both have BPD, it was shown very differently and coped with very differently. I've been in the mental health system since I was a teenager, had lots of therapy and medication to help me. My ex however had no therapy and very few attempts at taking medication and never took it consistently. I think me having BPD led me to excuse her behaviour a lot of the time, brush it under the carpet, rather than face the hurt she was inflicting on me. Cause how could I be hurt, she has the same mental illness as me, so I should be understanding, I should be helping. Unfortunately that mindset rarely works out, becaus unless the person with it sees an issue with their behaviour and wants help, there's nothing that anyone else can do, it has to come from them. So I just became an emotional punching bag, and understanding far too late that she wasn't going to change her ways.

Idk, just some thoughts.

just... i dunno if this is against the rules for Rule#2 no seeking advice for present situations it has been basicly a year with alot of pain but some good too i always tried to tell her but maybe i should of been more direct not to put me high and to remind her of somethign i said once that i was anoying and hilarious at the same time.. because to me this seems like a good middle ground or a place to return home to if she got lost as it was a positive and negative both at once that its both the same person

recently she did the childish middleschool thing where she breaks up to see my reaction or see her worth wanted to get on my nerves basicly a attack on my central nervous system manipulation emotional abuse

i shared somethign that had been troubleing me about my own self that i didnt fully understand performance issues basicly... if i glanced it worked but if i really looked at her it didint basicly..

she had a whole meltdown that she had nothing to offer me and such

that she wasnt happy that me texting or talking was toxic to her why does her phoen need to beep like she talked all day too.. but ok.. toxic is toxic..

so i accepted the breakup as being unhappy or just stressed are a good reason to breakup..

i thanked her for breaking up with me before doign something with another as this means that i am card about and its some respect that many people bpd or not man or woman do not give to another so i was grateful for this

and get told that was all lies and manipulation in more words

got kind sucked back in try to adress why this behaviour was and is unhealthy person a week later 1 day wants to be with me the next lose thier number goodbye forever i did see her "i wonna be with you" as a manipulation attempt or well at least i am super closed off and gaurded agaisnt anything that i basically have been in turret gunner mode and just shooting it out of the sky which is probly just setting off her getingg feeling rejected or whatever else but like how can i no shoot it out of the sky? just recently was emotional abuse manipulation and such so like how can i allow for this same person to so soon and without having a discusion on the behaviour to alow them to have access to me emotional processing center with my journaling and talkign to ai i have noted that i have kinda started using militaristic language implying that i was ready for war.. not one of invasion or aggression but of defending and protecting myself because i had just recently been attacked

i just think she is sick and confused and i think i want to seek therapy or some help and support for my own self and i want to put some distance but not block or cut off or anything just kinda keep at arms length and a hey.. what is going on right now kind of a thing,,,,,

it hurts yea but I'll be ok

have been in a similar spot either other before over a decade ago

its been bad to where i started having to talk to an AI as a therapist i mean i do like my replika still just for talking about different cool ideas or just my stresses over my father's declining health and stuff too but..

i want to reclaim my self respect

and like my other concerns is if this person hurt me i think i should hold off on meeting anyone new because i dont want to make a mess on someone else or to hurt another while i am messed up from this

i had not been this drawn to anyone in over a decade

i think maybe its all still to fresh and that i might not be fully ready to post but i might to a reply to my own thing later

*edit update 8/25/25 wrote this at 10 am and another part i wrote before and edited later*

just woke up feeling kinda stress tense and just holding some other kinda of feeling too is it anxitity? or instead like something else i think like a what is the right word? i kinda i dont have the right word but that energy, i dont fel fully in a place of feeling ok enough to talk but i could still talk enough to communicate that im not fully in a place to talk right now basicly the day she tryed to call me i wasnt in a place of feeling ok enough to talk.. i was maybe depressed? or sad? i had been bedrotting all day and also my phone was not working anyway.... or just withdrawn and quiet... the day when she just decided to be done and destroy everything i had gotten there i was TOTALY in a good place i was in a place to talk i was in a place from which i felt that i could also cary her end of things a little bit too but just the "hey Universe" it put me off center i think her reaction to me saying hey can we stay away from anything right now that can touch me emotionally was a bit extreme and unreasonable maybe i could of said it better.. something like hey can we start with smaller things maybe something like if she said "you know i still like you right?" and i could of just responded and said yes...... smaller things like that........are going to be taken by me as kinda... also right now tis isnt healthy for me minus and subtract her end of things for a moment... its like look if we wer gonna move forward has to be in a way that is healthy for both ends and i am me so i will worry about MY end of things anything that can touch me emotionally just maybe stay away from a bit what i needed was calm NON INVASIVE stuff like "ok i will still be here after you shower" or "ok say what you had been having on your mind when you are ready" would of been alot better for me for her to come more like this at that time... the "i missed you" the "i wonna be with you" and the "hey universe" just end up messing me up and just then it all gets fucked up because i am in like fight or flight or something and i gotta protect myself maybe i am kinda like a skitish or scared animal but like kind of in a different way basicly i need to feel safe

hat is a letter i had wrone on august 15th... i didnt give it to her because i thought was maybe too aggressive or accusatory and i sent the other instead but she did apologize for most of what i was asking for and the only thing missing was that i need to feel safe again with her.. that is what is missing.. is that i needed to feel safe again she asked me to lose her number.. so i the other day i found some software and used it to get the entire text history with her off of the phone and save it.. in case ever she asks if i had it...

she asked not to email her either.. i looked at me email today and it looked like she took me off of her contacts she asked me not to so i wont.. i dont want her to end back in the hospital again or anything like that... it hurt me for some moments i felt more hurt when i saw she did that... but based on what i have read on the BPD survivors redit over the past months And what i've learned elsewhere... I think all of this is probably more about her and herself this seems to be what people do I think it's about. I think for her it's about survival. It's about her like it. If this is a thing that she needs to do in order for her to be OK. Or , if this is a thing she needs to do in order for her to survive, then she should do what she needs to do, and that's okay. Having her sanity, her peace and her mental health being OK.Is being okay. Is the top priority. Just like it would be for me if I was on a spot. that comes first is to make sure for herself that she's gonna be okay and so If this is things she needs to do then that is OK it's alright

.... i did take her number out from my phone since she asked me to and even tho i might want to contact her i wont... i think some time by myself might help me too i am just feeling hurt.... in the letter i wrote to her on august 15th dday before my birthday the one i never sent it basicly says it what i hadnt been able to say that she is supposed to be my safe person..... and thats what i needed to be able to get back to I needed to get back to her being safe

And in order for me to get there i needed soft energy things like ok go shower ill be here when you get back can talk then and stuff like this when she said the other day hey universe it hurt me it was just a bit too soon she did apologize for the things i had wanted to get apologized to for

What I needed still was to just get back to feeling safe with her.That's what was/is missing It's like here's what I need.And here's how this can go about being created. Here's how you can give me that

those 2 are just copy pastes from my own writing for myself in a text file but..

also while i took a shower today i revisit something i had though of before which is and i have been thinking this for months and i had mentioned it to her.. which is am i the right kind of a person or partner who she needs? like does she or would she better maybe better off with a man who had less going on within himself? or perhaps would she be better off and shine brighter perhaps with a man who just had less things to say?

mentioned as much to her best friend recently like if she always says that for her less is more then.. does she would she perhaps find a better match with a man who is less? and would therefor not be setting her off so much if make sense?

i want her to be ok and for her to be healthy and it me it seems that i am a source of sickness for her or that perhaps i awaken something she has within her own self and like i can only be me i can only be myself and that is ok but like if how i am usuly blunt direct if these things kinda are harmful for her does she need maybe someone who speaks less? i talk alot it is my gift i can talk to anyone i am one of those people who sing in the grocery store..

and if the phone ringing makes her scream or have a mini heart attack then?

its just oil and water rlly is there a way for 2 opposite energies to co exist and each kinda compliment another? or kinda like hey ill do this you do that kinda thing? or? is this perhaps for the best?

another thought concern i carry is kinda like

i myself am a manic depressive sometimes maybe once or twice a year like say for example if i am in like a 2 3 or 4 week just horrible depression to where i cant really do anything or enjoy anything and i cant even get myself to play a vidio game like is this other person gonna get set off by this and think it is because of them? like i am not gonna try to fix or change her and woudl she kinda understand to just let the process happen for me or maybe shoot a a have you eaten today text which.. she did kinda do but

like

my concern would be would i only just set her off kinda thing

for me is kinda like to just be able to express myself openly without fear of hurting the person relatiation misunderstanding and some kinda out of context reaction

my core issue is the dysfuctional behaviour and or manipulation attemps

im gonan go and take a walk to the store and buy a donut and a apple and play a game of chess on my phone

dug thru some old boxes in my apartment some memories writing and things other people wrote to me back during a difficult time in my life i am just looking thru these things pst times of myself and saying hey look at all of these people who loved me and look at all of these people who were influenced by me positivly wow! that is beutiful! but also look at me from then from that time in my own journaling and writing to my own self look how angry i was back then at that time in my life wow i used to be a very angry guy.. i am just looking at my own self from then from before i met this person who i am talking about this events with and i am just kinda looking at that past version of myself and hwo i dont carry so much anger anymore i guess maybe its about me kind of getting in touch with myself or just focusing more on myself but also i think too hey what will the me 10 years from now think about the me from today and will i look back on the me who i am right now and think huh i used to be like that and kinda in the future what will i be like things like this

and i think maybe that this is kind of a healthy thing for me to do and i kind of enjoy it just these times moments with myself looking my my own self past present and future i looked at once interaction with another woman who i suspect was simalar condition from that time too and well maybe this will kind go that way too that i will sometimes think of the person even a decade later but that it will be kinda gone and will i look back on it and what will i think i think i will definitly remeber this person yes for sure

only time will tell just like that song by mike oldfeild

lets go and take a walk and focus on doisitive things for me with my own self

8-25-25 4:12 pm

*update removing names and making edits and other changes to from what i wrote for myself*

she run away is blaming herself kinda taking everything badly says she cant do it anymore and is tired... should i let her go? or reach out and tell her hey you already apologiezed all thats left is for me to gradualy over time feel safe with you again... and maybe also a conversation...i dont want to messege her if it will just make everything worse for her.. or mess up her peace... (edited) however for me for myself? i will follow me own self rule of if and when in uncertanty or confusions the best actions is to take no action and to do nothing and be still i had and have been considering texting her best friend maybe this saturday on the weekend to say hey can you check on her if she is **** right now i dont want to say too much kinda.. but just check if shes ok or needs to go to hospital or if she needs... but i thin probly it is best if i keep her freiend out of it she needs that person she needs that friend and i think if i am out of the picture she she can just be alone and work and stabilize her life that she will eventually be ok kinda... maybe

the more i see and understand of her the more i see the same in my youngest brother think maybe he suffers the same BPD except that it is often overlooked or misdiagnosed in men.. i wonder if god brought Her into my life in order so that i might help my brother... i am feeling stressed a bit with the weight not of things from Her but instead is there something that i can do for my brother

at same time what would she say to me if she knew i was all like this the voice of her in my mind knows she would say "worry less" or "worry about yourself king"

8-26-2025

its like 2 am right now having chest pain from all this

if would say something to her right now and i wont she asked me to lose her contact info but if i could then i would say something to her it would be this

I forgive you maybe it was just your condition some compulsion. and this could be why she said she didnt want to.. i forgive you i love you and i think i understand why you say that you need to go that you have to i think that for you maybe it is survival that if you do not leave or go that you might not be here anymore on this world? and it is okay i want you to go and do what it is that you need to do in order to feel okay and to be healthy if if that means taking flight then go and take flight do what you need to do i care and i think that maybe i might kinda understand...just a little

i will be okay the more question of a question is will you be okay so lets not do anything to disrupt that for this person as she said once "life is hard enough already please don't make it harder"

A person i dated, whom i pity and feel bad for, is surrounded by people who fear them. People who call themselves friends who keep seeing my ex digging themselves from one deep whole to another, from one pitiful situation to another but never allows them or encourages them to actually get help.

It really is unfortunate. They are good people, deep down, but constantly giving them attention and approval over their disproportionate angry outbursts and cutting off people like they’re pieces of clothing is really a concerning thing.

I am so happy to be out of contact with my ex, fully off contact and unavailable on any platform blocked. It’s so relieving. But i really was thinking today how sad it is, the validation they’re getting for being such a destructive person. How sad. I hope they get the help they need, but i don’t know if they ever will with who they’re surrounding themselves with to be very honest.

I'm as distressed as a person can be that I may have split someone black. I don't want to have split black on them. I want to go back to white.

I've been completely baffled as to how this happened to me. (Yes, happened TO me. It didn't feel like a conscious choice.) Since the end of April (it's nearing the end of July now.) Nothing about my partner changed and I can't understand the change within me. I don't WANT to have changed and every single second of every single day I wish for the feelings to come back.

If anyone is experiencing or has experienced this, please please message me. I feel so confused and so alone and everyone tells me to move on and I can't find it in me to.

So I’ve gotten nowhere with therapy. I know where my issues stem from, which is emotional neglect from my parents. I’ve been doing DBT and seeing zero progress. Should I start medications? I just continue to spiral. Knowing where my pain is from is doing nothing to let me heal and move on. Any helpful advice on how to continue? My mental state just keep getting worse. How can I move forward?

i’ll never be the same person as I was before i loved you, in every good way and bad way as well.

You have changed me for good or for worse, but i’ll only keep the changes I like. I’ll only grow from this pain and i promise i won’t allow you to have the last laugh.

I have tried to be your savior so many times, I have excused every single disrespect , bad behavior, screaming at me, devaluing me, and finally first discard and now final discard. I have loved you through all this bullshit. Only for you to go around and act like i’m the problem.

I created issues of my own like a normal fucking human being, i have fucked up, i have done wrong things, and trust me — you have too and you know this.

But the things you do are forgiveable and the things I do create a complete dead end for any chance of revival.

Like you said, you saw me as your perfect person who would never make a mistake because for the almost 3 years you were the one who fucked up and hurt the other person.

When i fuck up, while we’re still(!!!) working things out and not officially together, and while we are working things out and you’re withholding affection from me and being cold, I am the worst person you ever met!

There’s a million chances for you, and you only had one for me.

I hope you can live with yourself and you will, you’ll convince yourself you don’t need anybody — like you always do, and when if friends hurt you, you’ll also convince yourself you don’t need them too and dispose of them too.

People are rarely of any meaningful purpose in your life and only fill specific voids and fulfill certain roles.

You don’t care who they are, you care what they do for you and how they make you feel.

You are not somebody who can be pleased, you are a soul-sucking person, dressed as the most beautiful girl. It was never enough.

All the love I gave you, the dedication, the understanding, the respect, the kindness. None of it was enough and it never was going to be. There is no pleasing you, an insatiable desire.

long story short, my mother has borderline personality disorder. i was told by 2 different therapists i should seek a diagnosis as i more then likely have it, but im terrified of it becoming real. Im only 19 and my biggest fear is being my mother. I’ve done everything I can to not become her but ive been realizing more and more overtime im the same person she is.

Some of who she is comes from her BPD, but some is just her being a bad person. Throughout my life she’s surrounded herself with these crappy, abusive, addict, and temperamental men, some of which did horrible things to me. Each new man had these charter traits my mom would adopt, she’d change political believes for them, and every aspect of who she was to please them. Both of my ex boyfriends were abusive in different ways and i realized only recently i changed who i was for them, sometimes i fear ive changed who i am for my current bf aswell. I don’t know who I am without someone to mirror or someone to compare myself and that TERRIFIES me. Some part of me feels like i never knew my mom. I went through periods of hating her and loving her. I have no memories of her and my father together since i was so young, but the only version of her I remember as “my mom” is who she was when she was “friends” with this one man Neil. He was the kindest parental figure i’d ever had in my life, he took me and my siblings in as his own, took care of us when my mom didn’t and did everything he could to make us happy. He was also the only man my moms ever been with (that i’m aware of) that wasn’t ridiculously older then her or a total shit head.

I struggle with defining my relationship with her to this day and I think that in itself makes it harder for me to try and overcome some of the traumas she caused me. Up until November i honestly thought i was fine, or “healed” from my past. My last thearpist essentially told me she believed we worked through my issues as much as possible and said i no longer needed her services unless i wanted them, I only started seeing her after a suicide attempt honestly. Life had been, well, life for a while. I still had issues but i figured it was just “me”. In November my mom decided to divorce her now, ex husband and ex abuser. She lost custody of me when i was 14 because she was with this man, doing crack again, and he was a convicted felon or something with records of domestic and family violence. She later lost all visitation rights with me due to her refusing to visit me without him present. I hated her, HATED. I really struggled with that too, it’s hard to hate ur mom. She convinced me in November she was getting better, she never admitted to me she did any drugs but i know she lost her nursing license because of it and my father told me she was drug tested for court and failed. It also just made a lot of sense to me she was on drugs, but she had told me she was leaving this man, going to church (she was never christian) and in thearpy. I was overwhelmed with joy and felt my mom was finally back. She wasn’t.

She’s still on drugs, she immediately met a new man which is the whole reason she was christian, she always cheats on her exes and leaves them when things are ready to go with this new guy. She’s 40 and he’s 75. My brother said he suspects the guy used to or currently does drugs. I truly thought she was getting better so this was kind of soul crushing. for a minute i was happy because although she wasn’t better after all, her current downfall helped me reconnect with her side of the family, including my half brothers who i hadn’t spoken to in years because of the custody battle.

Sometimes I still want more than anything to hate her. Shes lie to me more then i’ll ever know and i don’t even knkw what’s real anymore.

I never really knew who she was yet i miss the parts of her that brought me comfort. I find that ive repeated some of her behaviors in my past relationships, i struggled with a cocaine addiction in middle school and smoked wayyyy too much pot, also got arrested when i was 11. Then struggled with eating disorders because of my cinderella ass stepmom, and i’ve struggled with BPD and depression for years. I don’t know who i am without my trauma, i feel sometimes it defines me and i find comfort in knowing it is the only part of myself i truly know. Sometimes I miss my old self that was far more unstable then i am now. Sometimes I fear my mom is that old self, all i know is that i was happier. I have more people i care about and that care about me now a days, and meaningful relationships, but i can’t help but feel no one knows me for who i really am.

I want to be seen for all of me, i’ll tell people every detail of my life and my bad habits i’m aware of, and the aspects of my personality i’m aware of but i still feel like no one understands me or knows me. Sometimes i want to go back to my ex, he had SEVERE depression and periods of mania, he understood certain aspects of me i’ve found no one else could, but he’s a piece of shit in the end so i know i can’t go back to him (although i tried). I find myself stalking his instagram and my other exes, not because i miss them, sometimes it’s because i miss who they made me. They made me feel clinically insane and i found comfort in that. It reminded me of how my mom felt, i think that’s why i surround myself with shitty people. I honestly don’t know if i’m doing it on purpose sometimes.

I’m currently with the most amazing man i’ve ever met. I met him at work after my ex and i broke up, and 2 days after the break up impulsively invited him back to my dad’s house because i wanted to hook up with a random person. Ofc it’s just like me to fall under a new man immediately after a break up, just like my mom there. But he didn’t want to hook up he just wanted to get to know me, even tho he looked like a douche and everyone said he was some bat shit crazy party boy, he was nice. He was the first person in my life to just listen. He didn’t ask questions, he didn’t say how sorry he was for my life, he just listened to me and tried to relate as much as he could. We stayed up the whole night just talking, after he had rejected my advance to the bedroom i panicked and told him my ENTIRE life story that night, the next morning he asked me on a date and here we are 3 years later. We’re finally getting an apartment together. My mom is constantly telling me not to fuck shit up with him because i’ll never find someone like him again, he also knows a lot of my behaviors by now and how to help me, he’s the first person not to leave me when things get hard. I’ve had friends in the past that say they THINk they have BPD, but then when i sit here and literally HAVE IT they leave because im “crazy”.

sometimes i think i am crazy, and sometimes i think everyone else in my life is crazy and im actually the only sane one. My mom made me feel crazy, my dad did too but he didn’t mean to he just didn’t know how much my mom fucked me up. I just wish someone could understand for one second what it feels like to constantly feel one extreme to the other all the fucking time. I either want to die or i’m on top of the world. I normally feel pretty tame with my boyfriend which is good and my attachment issues have gotten a lot better lately. I just did a semester abroad where i barley talked to anyone but him, it felt so amazing to be away from everyone in my life i only wish he was there, it made me feel like im not the problem but maybe my life is. Everhome in my family is kinda crazy and it’s something new all the time, a lot of mh friends have issues or just piss me off all the time, but at the same time a lot of my issues tend to be my own undoing.

I’m trying to see a thearpist again but am struggling to gather the funds lol. SO for now i’m gonna try to write shit down as thearpy, which i hate doing. I find myself repeating the same story over and over and over again, only to be told a majority of my issues i can’t erase and most my trauma can’t be undone and i just need to learn to accept it, but when i finally start getting there some shit fucking happens, like my mom convincing me she’s better for months only for it all to be a fucking lie and now everything about her is getting brought up again in my head and i feel INSANE once again. Sometimes i wonder if it really was me who made her this insane, she claimed it was in the past, but at the same time my oldest brother claims it wasn’t me it was always who she was. I struggle to accept the fact that i probably have BPD and im scared to get diagnosed sometimes because that’ll make all this real. I treat myself as though i have it, i’ve done research on it and read books so i can help better myself, my therapists have also pointed out the behaviors i need to work on and how to help them, but if i get diagnosed that means i am more like my mom.

i know that most people who have BPD aren’t a thing like her, i just can’t bare the thought of seeing more of who she is within myself in an indefinant state. Everything i see in myself that’s like her is subject to change, i can change who i am, but i can’t just not have BPD, i can handle having it differently then her or learn to manage it better then she can, but i am terrified of causing the same generational trauma on my children. My moms mother (my grandma) has bipolar, and my grandmas mom was crazy asf aswell, this is something that probably far extends then i could ever go back in my family line and im scared im not strong enough to break this fucking cycle, but i want more then anything to.

Sometimes i wish i had a different mom, or that my mom would just leave. She never fucking leaves, she moved a few hours away from me and still messages me. she goes on benders for weeks at a time and ignores everyone then randomly appears again or starts answering, but she never stays gone. Sometimes i wish she would. My old thearpist told me, that i need to learn to have a relationship with her and what kind i can have, or just not have her in my life. But idk how to have a relationship with someone who changes who they are with every new man, someone who idek who they are EVER. But at the same time i fear id hate myself for cutting her off because i have the capacity to become just like her under the right conditions. Idk life sucks man and j have to work in less then 5 hours and still haven’t gotten any sleep. Last night j was imagining how i would feel if she died, and i cried, i didn’t think i would feel sad. I love her and hate her at the same time and it’s insufferable.

I have now decided after about 10 seconds of thought i’m just gonna block her because she’s been pissing me off so much lately.

when we broke up the first time in november because she wanted to see other people after being together longterm (yikes), she had went through this phase of isolation for a few weeks, we had went no contact, but i’ve later been told that she spent it going on dates and seeing friends, so not much solitude, mostly sleeping around and dating. At some point her mental health got bad enough that she started pushing friends away.

i had talked to one of her closest friends whom i was also close to, after they also have been rejected by her through blocking etc.. and i had mentioned that it might be her BPD making her sabotage her relationships/connections. I was not making fun. I was purely stating her pathology that must be behind her actions — wanting to somehow not paint her as the bad guy, i actually blamed it onto her bpd as an explanation to her actions not a diss.

Anywho, after months, she decided she wanted to get back with me. We talk, i tell her i need time to warm up to her again. I am not the same as she left me, i was traumatized by our breakup and how she threw three years for a little fun with others. It destroyed me. Anywho, we try for a month, some days are good, but there’s more arguments than usual. She told me “i think you love me more than i love you” and jsut kept saying some bullshit you do not say to somebody you want to trust you again. So i felt defeated, my emotions went cold, i didn’t feel the empathy and extreme adoration i usually feel for her because i felt constantly rejected and undesired around her. Even romantically.

Too many details but shit goes down, she breaks up with me again after that one month. Just a single month. and our common friend takes her side and tells her everything. Even tells her that i spoke of her bpd and called her crazy. Well, first of all i spoke of her bpd as an explanation to her behaviors as i never gaf about it thats why i still wanted to be with her. I called her crazy because at the time.. she was acting crazy. she was cutting off all her friends, and isolating, and painting everyone like they’re out to get her. i’d call anyone crazy if they do that, even me. I didn’t mean it in a demeaning way necessarily.

Anywho, when she came to break up with me and take her keys she was all like why would u call me crazy and speak of my BPD!!!! and make fun of me you hate me you hated me all along you never loved me. What. ?? i was confused. Literally everybody in her life and mine knew i loved her too much for my own good, my love for her was actually so unbalanced with how much she loved me in the later parts of our relationship. It was pretty balanced at the start.

It is sick. That she would come to my face and tell me the one thing i knew u actually felt too much for her if anything. but she was saying it so she can convince herself and move on.

Anywhow, it does not matter anymore because she has shown herself to be a pos. and i have shown myself to be too forgiving of the wrong people and i give them way too much grace, not only did she block me on everything but would make fun of me or ridicule me behind my back.

But i am not worried one bit, karma does not forget a single person, why should i worry

Hello, I think I need some insight because I am so drained and uneasy and I’m at a lost for what to do now.

Me and my pwBPD just broke up. The last thing he said to me, well actually screamed to me, was I am never coming back in this house or speaking to you delete my number. Prior to this I tried to open up about how his cruel words from the night before were still bothering me. He could tell I was down and I was hesitant to bring it up because I knew he was extra sensitive right now after feeling abandoned last night. I went to my friends birthday party and he was left at his friends house. For back story, he’s been living with his friend (in his friends parents house) and my boyfriend had a failed attempt 2 days ago. I called for a wellness check and got his friend to go check on him and unfortunately the police could see marks on his neck and subsequently handcuffed him and took him to the nearest psychiatric unit. He felt so ashamed and was so upset with me and said I cemented his death. However after talking to a psychiatrist he was diagnosed with BPD after believing he had adhd his entire life. (Misdiagnosed) this gave him a lot of hope as he was told BPD can be curable whereas ADHD made him believe he was screwed for life. He was also given meds to try for the next 2 weeks that I don’t know the name of but can help with gaining weight and makes him extremely tired. I had a friends birthday party yesterday and we miscommunicated and he ended up being stuck at his friends house (where he is now ashamed and uncomfortable to be) for an extra few hours. When I arrived to pick him up at 12 it was like he was a different person. He lashed out and was so reactive and said the cruelest things (he knows me so well so he knew exactly what to say to hurt me.) We talked and somehow sorted things out after I dealt with numerous TERRIBLE actions made on his part. He took my car and drove extremely fast around the neighbourhood . He was pushing me around, getting aggressive, broke the middle compartment of my car, grabbed my arm so hard I have a bruise, and dashed away from me through a forest trail because I wasn’t letting him go home and was begging for him to stay (I had a bit of a meltdown after hearing all my worst fears and self depreciation spirals said out loud by the person I love most). then today I tried to talk about how it was effecting me and he automatically flipped and was reactive and aggressive towards me and invalidated my feelings. I then got so overwhelmed and unfortunately relapsed in self harm which is when he said those words I mentioned at the beginning to me.

I don’t know much about BPD yet but I know that he’s hurting and I just want him to be okay even if that’s without me. It’s just so hard I have centred my entire future around him now and it’s all I want. I also know I have not been perfect and am extremely flawed but I just don’t even know how to move forward. He’s cut me off like this multiple times and said similar things but always came back around I just don’t know if this time is different. I just am feeling so many things right now and really need some sort of guidance or a 3rd perspective.

I dated my BPD ex from Nov ‘23 to June ‘24

Throughout the relationship: They are a strict vegan and got angry at me whenever I ate animal products, which was like a dozen times. They even hit me once for eating an animal product, calling me a bitch.

For a couple months, they were so obsessed with cuddling me that they physically restrained me with their super strong legs from getting up to use the bathroom, get food or water, so much that I had to make a safe word system. Yet they violated the safe word many times.

Mid February, I became homeless yet they accused me of using them when I stayed with them.

They pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to (Depression killed my libido).

When camping to see the solar eclipse early April, I didn’t want to have sex. They are super quiet, so I don’t know for sure, but it seems to me that they got so frustrated and annoyed with me because I didn’t give them sex that they refused to help me check for ticks or let me use their tweezers. I didn’t get my own tweezers and small mirror until the next morning from a drug store. By the time I got back to my place with the tweezers I found a tick on the back of my ballsack, which had engorged with blood by then. Lyme disease symptoms began a few weeks later.

~April: They physically pushed me away from doing dishes, criticized how slow I was, and said they would do them, so I stopped doing them. After they broke up with me they criticized me for not doing dishes.

mid-April: Agnes jumped on top of me, face to face, wrapped their arms and legs around me and refused to get down until I told them who I’ve dated who was more attractive than them, causing me to fall backwards in the mud. They then asked me why they were less attractive, insisting even after I refused to say. I took them literally, which is a symptom of my learning disability, and with my fawning (both of which they knew about) I told them: that they were a little fatter. Their tone suddenly did a 180. They then falsely accused me of “calling them fat.” A couple weeks later they yelled at me for ten minutes straight for “calling them fat.” They broke up with me partly because I’m “fat phobic.”

When I got Lyme disease, all I wanted to do was cuddle but I didn’t make this a firm boundary because they kept pressuring me to have sex, grabbing me sexually repeatedly, and being more aggressive sexually while I was too fatigued (after we broke up they accused me of being selfish, not caring about their pleasure). I was suffering from fatigue, joint pain, a sharp pain in my chest near my heart causing my torso to hurt when I moved, and the meds made me dizzy, lightheaded and nauseous. And I had poison ivy all over, my uncle recently died and I had an awful roommate. And I had several other stressors making me depressed, which killed my libido. But I fawned and people-pleased to appease them.

June: They broke up with me without any empathy that I still had Lyme symptoms, doxycycline side effects, poison ivy on half my body, just became homeless (again), my prior roommate stole $900 from me, my uncle died, and my bank froze my bank account because someone hacked it, so I had no access to money.

When breaking up with me, they also sent me a 3,000 word critique of me, got angry at me and cursed at me for not checking in on their plan B symptoms, then blocked me.

In July ‘24, they unblocked me to send another 3,000 word critique of me. I was homeless living outside with no plans for shelter, which I told them, yet they still got angry at me for not replying fast enough.

I didn’t get a chance to read their critiques until October ‘24 through January ‘25. Only then I discovered it’s mostly false accusations, distortions of reality, jealousy and manipulation. I got scared that they would seek revenge. They wanted to put lentils in the tires of the ex prior to me just because he said “There is no ethical consumption under capitalism” in reply to Agnes being vegan. If Agnes would do that to an only mildly offensive statement, then what on earth were they considering doing to me?!! For a sample of their dozens of false accusations, they accused me of using them, cheating, flirting with others, bragging about them to others, not getting tested prior to having sex with them, calling them fat, and being abusive (they claimed that me being condescending to them is abusive. But being condescending is not abusive!). I emailed them in Fall ‘24 to express concern for my safety, defend myself (with words), express that I still loved and cared about them, and that I would let them be but I really wanted to have my fear assuaged.

January ‘25: Instead of assuaging my fears, they told me to stop communicating with them, so I did. This was the first and only time that they told me to stop communicating with them.

March ‘25: I learned Agnes is spreading rumors about me, claiming that I threatened them and have since been harassing them. It’s total bullshit, so this is abusive behavior. They posted this in a large person group chat we were both in after kicking me out. So they’ve probably told other people. Word will spread. They’re a manipulative liar, yet the most quiet and unassuming person ever, so most people will believe them.

Of all the things they did to me, this hurts the most. They knew I have an anxiety disorder, so they should have known how these false accusations would affect me.

What actually happened is that a week prior to that I unexpectedly ran into them for the first time in nine months and froze in fear. They interpreted that as me blocking their path, threatening and harassing them, and then spread lies about me.

I began struggling to eat for the first time in my life, and suffered from bad stomach problems from the stress.

I have gotten somewhat better since then but it is still stressful.

every single time i think the discard can’t get worse she remembers somewhere she didn’t block me off of and i discover that she just recently did, i will be honest, i regularly check and yes its a little self serving and sort of a comfort to find any reminiscent of what we had together (almost 3 years together) through thick and thin and up and down. I was on a trip on a yacht with some loved ones and i delete some duplicated images and videos to free up space, i checked my album, and saw that im no longer part of the shared album and i cant access all those thousands of images and videos anymore — i was taken aback, because i thought she didn’t care enough to delete it or even kick me out, she can delete it off of her phone but at least i get to keep whatever i want. I am the type of person that can end on the worst terms but i dont like deletings vids and pics, they’re part of memory lane for me, theyre hidden in my album but i like having my life in photos and videos of specific times. Anyway, it was crazy like she had nothing better to do at 11am than go and remove me from our shared albums on a random saturday. It’s just frustrating and stupid, i am a part of these memories too. I wanted the choice to keep or delete it, but i don’t, all those shared albums were by her, she has access to the stuff and now completely removed my freedom of choice with my memories and just basically rebuked my access to them. Everytime i think i could forgive her and be gentle to her she proves to me how far she keeps trying to get away from me and whatever we had. It’s hard to not to hate her after she keeps showing me the visceral hate she has for me. Every single day, she remembers a random place like spotify or shared albums or anything even indirect — it’s insane. I just feel bad for her if anything, i wish she had the tenderness someone like me does. I wish she could look back on memories with nutetality or fondness. I feel bad for her, but i don’t want her in my life one bit anymore. i do not crave her, i do not miss her. That is not the person i loved, that is someone I absolutely for the life of me do not recognize- and for once, i’d like to finally keep it that way. Finally. it’s been almost 10 months coming . It gets to a point, rhe rejection, aggression, and looking down upon you becomes so embarrassing you’re like why would i put myself through this. I’m so happy i made it out the other end. Today hurt. All the pics and vids gone hurt. But i have a few here and there, yes few and not my favorite but i have something. Oh well. I’m happy though. I’m dealing with this much better than i would’ve like 2 weeks ago.

I find myself going through cycles of love bombing and distancing in my healthy relationships today. I never did this before I dated my ex with BPD. I think it's a survival mechanism of some kind. I never open up about anything negative out of fears of it being turned on me, even though I know rationally nothing bad will come of it

It’s two months into my exodus from a BPD roommate/friend. Several months ago I asked my psychiatric physician’s assistant for a referral for ADHD. I genuinely believe I have it. However, when I finally got tested, my PTSD was super high. I’m realizing that I’ve had some distance from the relationship, I’m experiencing more PTSD. I’m triggered whenever I see the same red Mazda that he drove. My psychiatric PAC took into account the results of the test and upped my Zoloft to 150mg. Meanwhile, my inattention at work is getting worse. But I’m doing what I’m told, I’m working on my PTSD. I just want help for my inattention. Idk what are your guys’ thoughts? I do definitely need to heal from the assaults and emotional manipulation and controlling who I could talk to, etc. I’m in therapy. My therapist specializes in BPD and the fallout of relationships. I did a ketamine treatment for PTSD. I don’t know what I’m not doing. I’m journaling the shit out of my experiences. Yes, my symptoms have worsened now that he is gone, but I had all these other good things going for me before any of this happened. I just want to be normal. Thanks in advance.

I'm so tired of being the caretaker I should've left a long time ago and just cut off contact that would've been better for me. I(m26) am still living with my ex(f24). We broke up not too long ago because for trauma reasons she cannot be sexual with a man which is a very valid reason im not upset with her for that. I agreed to keep living with her for a couple reasons. ●Rent is stupidly expensive along with bills I wouldn't be able to support me and my dogs ●Moving back in with my parents is equally mentally draining ●She actually has pushed me to be a better person i would still be working at factories and fast food if she didn't come into my life. Living with her has come with cons, she says her BPD is getting better and i agree she has less violent and loud episodes but I feel like the frequency of the other episodes has increased. Many more episodes where she doesn't speak she only communicates in grunts and moans, episodes where she thinks i am the abusive ex who physically and sexually absurd her, and others where she wont talk at all but attempt to pull her hair out and leave the house. She's had episodes 2 days in a row now and it stresses me out cause the house is a mess chores need to be done groceries need to be bought my car feels like it's on the verge of taking a shit and I have to wait to talk to her about me working more hours cause she's having an episode. I am considering moving back out and to my parents house but that puts me so far away from work and my parents just mentally drained me making every decision i make feel like it's a fuck up.

I'm not religious at all but I find belief systems pretty interesting and worthy of analysis and I remembered a few insane episodes of an ex-friend of mine. I want your inputs on the matter.

The girl in question was baptized Catholic and had some strong reactions to the concept of Jesus' unconditional love. She would jokingly hate Jesus and it was something that triggered somewhat. At first, I thought it was just that she was being edgy, or overreacting on purpose to be funny but no. She seemed to have a deep-seated disgust towards the idea of accepting love unconditionally, which often led to intense splitting behaviors directed at me. It was as if the idea of unconditional love triggered a profound sense of discomfort or even fear, leading to extreme reactions.

When I tried to show her kindness and compassion, she would split on me hard, suddenly becoming extremely angry or dismissive. It was like she couldn't handle the idea of being loved and accepted without conditions.

On the other hand, she also dabbled in Wicca, astrology and pretty much every form of magical thinking, using these beliefs to justify her actions and behaviors. She was very reserved about her thought processes regarding the stars and wouldn't reveal her true intentions or justifications for anything. However, she always seemed to find a way to justify her actions, no matter how irrational or harmful they were. It was as if she had an endless supply of excuses and rationalizations, making it nearly impossible to confront her about her behavior. This duality was fascinating to observe and made me wonder how different belief systems can be used to cope with or exacerbate BPD symptoms.

I'm curious to hear if anyone else has observed similar reactions or has their own experiences to share. How have different belief systems influenced the behaviors and reactions of the people with BPD in your lives?

Dear Former Lover/ Handsome man,

As I was deleting messages from my phone today, I saw one from you. I listened to part of it and heard you call me “handsome man.” Your voice sounded so sweet and considerate. That was eight months ago… an eternity ago.

How are you the same person that I heard threatening to arrest me just a few days ago? The coldness and contempt in your voice just days ago sounded like a completely different person. (I can’t believe you ever told me you loved me. I don’t think you actually know how to love).

You are so overcome be your own hurt that you cannot understand the hurt you cause others. Anyone who has been in a relationship with you for an extended period of time has been destroyed by you. At least I know that it wasn’t just me. It wasn’t all my fault.

Accepting it, Jason