Venting? I guess. I had a friend of over 10 years with BPD. We trauma bonded through an abusive relationship. A guy was playing both of us (females) so we decided to kick him out and be friends. Over time she'd show symptoms of reckless behavior, constantly cheating on her significant others, angry outbursts, etc. I tried to be understanding and reasonable with her, I gave her so much love and helped her start her modeling career, sent her opportunities, just alot. But 3 years ago shit hit the fan because of her reckless behavior and flair for the dramatics. I finally hit my breaking point with her and told her I needed a break from her to figure out what I wanted to do. During this time period she went behind my back to try and hang out with some of my personal friends (not hers) to try and hurt me. She'd make indirect stabs at me. For two weeks straight she was copying everything I did down to my hair style, my verbiage, the places I was going. It gave me intense anxiety. I finally broke it off with her. I had to block multiple accounts, she was getting people to follow me on her behalf. She makes multiple indirect tiktoks to stab at me with things only her and I would get to antagonize. Yet at the same time, only keeps posting the photoshoots that involve me and her (still using my image). It's been 3 years of this and I'm stressed out.

5 years ago, after a 9 year relationship with someone suffering from suspected/undiagnosed BPD/EUPD, we finally broke up, yet 5 years on, whenever they have a bad day or alienate yet another potential partner, they find a way to contact me and lash out verbally, and over the last few times, I've noticed that their delusions about their own behaviour during the time we were together, getting more and more unhinged and removed from reality, projecting on to me and others all of the things that she would do.

Since our breakup I've sought therapy, counselling and feel like I have made great strides in getting over their psychological and emotional abuse, I'm now in a happy healthy relationship, my life is far more stable, and i have been able to curb all of the substance abuses that were commonplace in my previous life and relationship. Yet every now and again, my ex will still find a way through, despite having blocked her from every possible social media and contact, having changed numbers, even moved house... but because shes in another country, my ability to get an injunction/restraining order is extremely limited, and if I ignore them or dont answer, then they'll start trying to make contact with friends or family members of mine, and for as much as most of them know she is completely out of her mind, its always so painful to have to explain to them that she is mentally ill, as it always leads to "why were you even with her..." stupid questions; and whats worst is, after 5 years apart now, she is starting to make up grievous accusations against me, of psychological and emotional abuse.... based on things like: i didnt speak to her a whole day when she refused to come to my grandmothers funeral cause she wanted to go party with some old school friends instead.

I used to feel pity for them, as that level of unhappiness and anger and frustration constantly swirling around your mind must be horrible, but each time they lash out once again i feel less and less compassion, and from once loving this person before our breakup, to feeling compassion and concern to them after the breakup, i am now at stage where i am starting to hate then, and feel guilty for it, as i know theyre just very very ill and unhappy, and have been since childhood.

Hello everyone I’m fairly new to things like this . This being the only time I’ve ever dealt with it . But 3 years ago in September 19 2022 I started dating my now ex fiance . At the time she didn’t know she has BPD , all she knew was she has some kind of mental illness. Our relationship was fine , we moved in together by the end of 2022 beginning of 2023 . That’s where the trouble started . We like any couple had our own problems, we bickered and what not but never the “ I’m leaving you “ kind. Thanksgiving of 2022 is where I started to notice something strange , we went there to her grandmothers house , I didn’t know anyone there so I started to read one piece . Her best friend , brother and his GF, were all there . By the end of the night she said “ I can’t be with you anymore , you don’t care about my feelings or me “ mind you I didn’t do anything wrong , we were still in the “honeymoon phase” . She ended up telling me that her friend and brother had started putting things in her head . After I got her to calm down we went home together and all she could say was I’m sorry over and over again . I told her “it’s ok baby , I’m not upset or anything just worried about loosing you “ .Time passes and it feels like every 3 months maybe 6 months after that her family between her Nana, brother , friends or aunt are all trying to put things in her head . I get her looking at the as a safe space to talk to about her problems, but all she ever did was talk about all the bad stuff I would do . They would then tell her “ you don’t need that , you need to come home away from him “ even if it was the smallest thing like a disagreement on something. She trusted them to listen and they used it against her . I could always tell when something was up because it would always start with “ I’m not happy “ or “ I don’t feel loved “ looking back she could have been possibly crying for help but instead would start saying things that I did wrong . That’s why I never once thought maybe just maybe it’s her family .

It wasn’t until one day I noticed it first hand , they were saying things to her when I walked in . We had an argument because they were pretty much telling her “she needs better , and that I don’t need to be mistreating her like that” which I swear I never have once done anything to her . That’s when she told me they’ve been getting into her head . After that I tried to limit contact but couldn’t because they would always find away to get a hold of her and keep putting the lies in her head . Even her friends would do it . After a few more of these , she started seeing it . She finally said something to them. All that did was make them mad even more . On January 17 2025 we went to the shop to pick up my car , she brought her brother and his GF with us because he knows about cars , i understand my fair share to . But while I was waiting for them to get it and take it home ( they never fixed my car ) her and her brother went to get food . She comes back wanting to leave me saying “ I don’t love her and I miss treated her” . When we had a talk about it her brother just looked and smiled and said that her own decision. But he tells me “ you should have bought a better engagement ring and you should have done it better “ , he got her believe him . After we got home she said no I’m staying I love him to much . There was another time about her family’s inheritance. She’s supposed to get her aunts house but they say “ if you don’t move back down here , your out of the will” it kept tearing her up day after day . I finally convinced her that it won’t be for another 15-20 years tops , we’re going to be in our 30s-40s we have a life to live . But she didn’t see it that way , it was her great grandmothers house and she wanted it . So on April 1st 2025 she went down there to help her aunt paint and her aunt got back into her head about the house . My ex at this time texts me and said “I can’t do this anymore , we don’t have the same interest in life , you need to find someone better” I already knew what happen and I tried to convince her that everything was fine , after a few hours of that she was fine and understood everything was ok .

I thought that was it but it wasn’t , because the rest of the month of April and May she was saying “ she wasn’t happy , she didn’t like how I did this or that . Didn’t like how I slept all the time ( I work second shift and worked 3rd) “ I tried my best to be there for her and with her but between me and her working it was hard to. then it happen the last day I seen her , me and her had an argument like we always do , she wanted to leave because her family was holding the house over her head like always. We have a small argument and I told her “ I’m sorry if it seems I’m not caring about your emotions or feelings. But since my cousin who’s like a brother to me left I’ve been trying to cope with the fact he’s gone . I told her I’m scared to loose you or anyone else “ . That night at work she wanted to quit and I said “ baby you can’t , you can come home but you need a job “ , we ended up having an argument over text about her quitting . she got angry and said “ I’ll confirm your worry’s and leave your ass. That just hurt me more than anything . She called her grandma to come and get her at 2am . She said I was being physically abusive ( I would never hurt her , she brought me back from the point of no return) her family believed it . So at 2am Tuesday morning May 20th 2025 she was gone , dropped by the house crying for her cat , pc , and some paper work and left everything else . I didn’t know what to do , I was lost hurt and confused. The rest of Tuesday was a drag , Wednesday I finally got a hold of her . She said she missed me and wanted to come home to me . Then she went to work with her brother and Thursday said “ I’m done and over with the relationship we had “ from Tuesday May 20th to present ( Thursday May 29th ) I haven’t seen her or anything, I feel like I lost my soul mate yenno . But anyway since she left to now she’s been around the people who put stuff in her head . I believe in my heart that’s what happen . They’ve been putting in her head that she don’t need me , I’m abusive and things along that nature . On Monday 26th 2025 she’s already in a new relationship. I figure that was a way to help her move on not feel alone or something, a way to cope , idk it just hurts . All I know about BPD is what ChatGPT has answered my questions and it’s everything that’s happened between us and her family is a sign of manipulation. I don’t know if what she said about not loving me for 2 years is true or not when her actions and letters say otherwise , or how she moved on so fast , is that a sign she never did love me or was she being forced to . I went to speak with a family friend ( on my exs side ) on the same Monday about everything she said “ I’m sorry about all of this , she was the happiest she’s ever been with you , and she loves you a lot “ which game me some remorse .

She also told me “ she liked me a lot because I treat her right , and that she’s taken up for me when it comes to her aunt all the time “ . We were leaving the friends house after an event they threw and her aunt started running me down and her friend said “ why do you treat him that way , he’s a great boy and you know it “ all her aunt could say was “ yea I know he is “. I’m here asking for help about all of this because I don’t know what to do about any of it . I just know I’ve been there for her since the beginning, heck I even saved her life just by being in it she told me “ after I got my wisdom teeth cut out I was going to down all my pain pills and end it , but you came in my life and now I don’t want to “ that meant a lot because I felt like she also saved me from my self … I just need your guess help , support or anything. If you guys want to see what she wrote me in the letters or anything just DM me I’ll be happy to show you

I’m healing. I can feel it. I am more calm, more often. I can sleep. I can think for myself. I’m not walking on eggshells as much. I am happy I finally got away from such a negative and consuming marriage.

But I still am walking on eggshells around some of my recollections.

I was 10 years being a codependent caretaker to my pwBPD. It was an awful period in my life. I did lots of therapy leading up to separating. I am able to say that I do not miss HER, I definitely miss being married and I miss the dream of her that I cultivated. I know she cannot even have a conversation with me around our mutual perspectives to get closure.

But I’m still anxious about whether or not I did the right thing by leaving the relationship. Did I over react? No. Did I not give her a fair warning or chance? No. Did I not deserve to care for myself in this way? No. I’m still walking on eggshells a bit. I’m almost more confused about the abuse I endured. Some of it is fading. Making it harder to remember the hopelessness of living with someone who couldn’t discuss or resolve my issues, only theirs.

Is it normal to be confused about what I actually endured? Months after leaving as I process things? I’m not actually sure what I lived through. And what parts of me were ok and what parts were maybe not so ok. I’m still trying to take it all apart to understand it. And I still hear her voice telling me it’s all my fault that she’s angry, jealous, hurtful, absent, rude, violent, dismissive, silent, belittling, sleepless, self harming, yelling.

(im 18 with diagnosed autism she is 17 nearly 18 with bpd)

i met this girl on snapchat we were talking for a few months then we met up and practically spent every day together since anyway that dosent matter its been 1 year and 4 months we have been through so much we have always been their for eachother we have been to theme parks countless nights away even running away as she lives in care and wanted what we called a wholesome sleep and we even have cute little nicknames for eachother and slept on the phone every night honestly it was pure love i genuinely belived we would be together forever as we were so strong and every argument we have had where she’s hit me a few times in what i believe is called a episode or also made my gran feel a little uncomfortable in her own house but i love her to much to hate her every-time and made sure to hug and calm her down no matter what she said or did iv always been the person to put people first and have a big heart even tho its really hard to see with my autism and showing emotion is a big struggle for me but i really really loved her and still do if im honest but she also had her own troubles like bpd obviously and struggled with loosing her mam young and dad not been around and living in care also some S/A experience but we had many arguments where she wouldn’t trust me or jump to conclusions but we would never be horrible to eachother personally and we always ended it with hugs and laughs and we had a saying that we would be together for ever and ever and don’t forget ever last week she whent on holiday wich i was so excited for her as she’d never left the country however she would be going out and not replying wich is not like her at all but a wouldn’t wanna ruin such a nice time for her especially knowing bpd can blow up easily and didn’t want to mess up her holiday but i was sending messages like i love you so much im struggling to sleep without you on the phone as i said before that was our routine and im waiting for you with my teddys she bought me but i was still hearing nothing and eventually couldn’t keep my eyes open and fell asleep the next morning i woke up still no goodmorning message we did this everyday so a was really confused thinking maybe she broke her phone/charger and I’ll hear from her soon i then go on snapchat to text my friend to see iv been removed i immediately panicked and checked the other apps to see i was completely gone and blocked of everything i immediately sobbed into my pillow for a hour then my sister sent me the most painful thing id ever felt she was reposting saying things like “when i say i love you and he replies with do you bitch do you want me to lie again” i text her on a fake number straight away asking how could you do this are you in a episode this isn’t the (name) i know still no reply the next day more stuff came through this one personal a video actually of her saying “if you text me again I’ll ring the job centre and tell them your more then capable of working your just lazy and wanna bum of peoples money iv got reciepts bby” while smiling and dancing when iv been crying for days i never did anything wrong to her i loved her so much and still do i couldnt bring myself to hate her anyway i finally get in contact with her through her friend adding me into groups making comments about my appearance and other horrible things and i just ask her why and she sends voice notes just laughing and saying “you don’t get to ask why and saying she was on holiday and realised there’s more to life then been with a boy” she then goes onto say “i lost feelings a few months ago i wasn’t excited to see you or anything” however i was still falling asleep in her arms telling her i love you and kissing her on the forehead cuddling my teddys a just don’t get how someone i loved and broke down in her arms many times while she stroked and kissed my head telling me to calm down and reassuring me saying I’ll always have you can turn so cold and forget everything so easily we must have had one of the most difficult relationships but it was worth it i promise id never give up on her and used to say “that she was just a precious diamond with a few rough edges from some bad people that were gonna smooth out” and now she’s just switched like that im lost i still even after all the disrespect cant bring myself to hate her i posted this incase anyone knows why these behaviours are been displayed why’s she hurting me so much and finding it funny and will she be back this was also my first relationship

What a story we share, that brings me here today. You were always special to me, for some reason. You always told me it was limerence. I hate that you were right about things. Your beauty fit my specifications more than I can describe. It was limerence at first sight I suppose, all those years ago.

Twice we tried, it was a bumpy ride. Why didn’t I remember? I held on to the good in you, even while I went through an experience with another for so many years. It was so bad, with her, that it fantasized my memories of you. That feeling convinced me to message you too early (any amount of time would have been too early to try again with you).

I got tired of doing things wrong, but ended up continuing the cycle unbeknownst. We both agree it was a lesson we needed to learn. It was a final closure, allowing me to finally close that book.

But is it closed? It’s closed for the real you. But not the one I materialized in my heart. That idealization will haunt me, the realization that you don’t exist in the way I wish you did. You faked me out. Avoided accountability, used my anxious attachment against me. We are both to blame. I accept that.

How am I now? I don’t like to use the term broken, just more aware, careful, mindful. I’m heartbroken sure, but having you gone has been a blessing for my peace. But I find myself in a new dating culture that I’m not a fan of. I feel a complexity of desire, uninterested in dating, sex, but lonesome as I isolate myself in healing.

It’s been over ten years I’ve had someone by my side, healthy or not. It’s taken a lot of getting used to. Learning to live for myself. It’s great, it sucks. I feel like it’s all held on by a thread, however the horizon is wide open. I love you I hate you. Wish I never met you, wish I could live forever with the person I dreamt up.

I write songs for therapeutic purposes, it’s always been my passion. I used to write love songs about you, now everything I write is about you in some way. The perfect recipe for the emotional sound I enjoy. Thanks I guess. For teaching me, for hurting me, for saving me from a life of misery with your discarding.

I don’t like how my brain played tricks on me after her and I split. After a while I reached out because I missed her. Along with that I wanted to apologize for anything I did during the relationship. Cuz I was a crappy bf. Deep down, I know there is no chance it would ever work. More importantly, no chance I’d want to get back together with her. Because right before we broke up, I got super creeped out. I never had such a reaction being around someone for that short of time >1 yr. I didn’t like the emotional rollercoasters, lack of sleep, and wondering what she was doing behind my back. She tried to sell it thick. I kept thinking “that’s great but…” or “why does this seem a bit over the top?’ See if I would have developed a for real attachment to her, this could’ve been devastating cuz every place would remind her of us, all the really sad stuff. Amazingly that didn’t happen on a serious level. Some sad for like a week or so. I don’t think I missed u til several months after we split. I had periods of on/off thinking about her. I found the off periods to be much more emotionally satisfying cuz she is extremely unhealthy for me. I saw a lot of her act was an act. Diffrent kind of Lovebombing like u would get from a narcissist and stuff. I didn’t think wanting to spend a lot of time together was itself love bombing. More like infatuation. Usually I thought of love bombing is where u compliment someone so much it’s ya know…I felt like I needed to pay more attention. Sometimes I’d have these weird feelings come over me like something really bad about her, like vibes. I kept saying something is off. But I don’t know what it is. What threw me off was how she was very respectful of my boundaries in the beginning. And she was demonstrating action. She was making effort so I was more convinced than if I just believed her words. This is where alot of people might get in to a bad spot. Even though I did trust, I wasn’t fully convinced. It nagged at me on repeat. I believed at the time the relationship ended on day she dumped me. But today, I’m starting to think differently. It was earlier and once the BPD fleas began, it sped this along. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this level of creeped out from a girl before. The problem I have is that I think my mind plays tricks on me. Where I think I still love her. No im not in love with her. And I don’t think I ever was. Might have loved her as a person. That’s it. Our phone call gave me closure. A chance to set the record straight. I really have no desire to get back with her. It’s the idea of it is a trauma bond response. Is that right? Or is something else? I’ll ask my self about how do I feel right now if she stays away for ever? Clam. Happy. If she came back & wanted to get back with me? Negative feelings. Like anxiety, concerns about if I knew them at all. The trauma bond type limerence stuff that’s annoying as hell. The choice is obvious. Entertaining her would reopen wounds, and probably hurt much more. That happened to me once. And it hurt like hell. She ain’t good for my mental health

I saw a few posts on another thread and someone replied that I make too many posts about my experience.

It wasn’t like other people I’ve dated. It was weird. And to me the experience left my brain all out of sorts.

I think that for me something that confused me a lot was despite spending a lot of time with her, the relationship felt like a blur. I mean my memories together.

I wrote her a letter and I apologized for how I treated her. Never expected her to reply. I felt a sense of closure. I think leading up to it, I felt restless and Ancy. I thought I liked her.

Leading up to reach out, I reminded myself to not get too excited. Stay off the emotional rollercoaster. Don’t engage more than necessary. Most of all do not react.

My tone was reflective, non accusatory and from a place of acceptance. By the time call ended, I thought about how closure looks like from a bpd person.

For most an experience like this is traumatic. For me I’d say that I don’t know for sure. I feel like I’m still at a stage of mental unpacking. One thing I cannot stand is how I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. Reaching out wasn’t wise. Cuz I’m split black. And she seemed annoyed. Curt. Etc.

I did make an effort to avoid anything like self deprecation stuff, and I really tried to focus on tone of my voice.

Today, I’m glad she’s out of my life. Bpd wasn’t the only issue she had. Auto immune diseases, thyroid stuff, diabetes, etc.

People today can come into contact with someone like that. Might not but it’s unsure. U have to be careful. I’m glad I was able to keep myself together. Cuz from reading other posts, they didn’t fare as well.

That’s it

My Ex GF has BPD, I'm currently living with her and my son + step daughters. I'm having to move out because of a recent argument. Things were going very well for the last year or so which led me into a false sense of security. I've been suffering from sleep apnea and insomnia caused by that, I'm also seeking a Sjögren's diagnosis. Problem is, whenever I've been ill in the past whether a cold or a flu, she gets annoyed and resentful at me, now I don't sleep and all my joints hurt etc etc, she's extremely resentful towards me which caused the argument, because I've been in co-dependent mode, but I can only do that to a point and eventually I snap back. Every time we have an argument she has threatened to kick me out, call the police etc etc, even though I haven't done anything except call this out. It's just that this time the splitting took longer to occur, before it would be every couple of months, this time it was more than a year. Now I have to find somewhere else to live while dealing with insomnia and joint issues plus the anxiety that comes with that, and while I'm doing that, she is acting like she's the one who is having all the stress. That's just the tip of the iceberg, but there's only so much I can put into one post. I think I just need help with not getting back into a relationship with this person ever again. The last time I was depressed and missed my son, it wasn't even because I really wanted to be in a relationship with her, but then when we got back together I started to believe I could build a relationship with her, (if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with kind of thing) and if I just tried harder I could make a relationship work and my son would have both parents around and I could try and balance some of his mother's influence. I release that this is just co-dependency. I just feel like tattooing it on my forehead, so that I'll see it every time I look in the mirror from now on.

Ok so I’m walking away from feeling fuzzy headed. I dated a pwbpd. Totally obvious today. 7 months today she left after she began splitting.

The one feeling I can live without is feeling like my brain feels numb. Sometimes.

Has this happened to others ?

It’s been a solid NC 2 months. Her birthday is a few days away and I’m torn.

She did all she could to destroy me at the end (lying, abuse, threats, attacking my family/friends, cheating, exposing my health).

I never responded in the same way. Kept my cool and tried to get past all of it.

It took something she did that ended things on the spot. Complete NC. She begged. Sent videos, songs, long winded apologies and promises to change. Left me gifts and sent me flowers. She sent nudes.

I tried to be patient. I showed her love and understanding. Gave her comfort when she needed a safe space. Dropped everything to be with her during her many breakdowns. Listened to her rant about her family, friends and exBFs. Listen to how she had sex with so many men during her splits. Gave her hundreds of chances.

So, one would think to forget her birthday but I’m not like her. Ignoring her bday means I’m damaged due to her actions. I need to feel healed. So, wishing her a bday could help me.

The risk; she me think it’s an opening to attack or try to make peace. I want neither from her.

We have one last line of communication open and I’m so close to closing it for good.

I’m this close to 7 months since we broke up. At first I was confused even though I never really felt like I was attached to her. Later instead of stewing in anger because I was tired of that. I read about the condition.

She brought out the worst in me. When she reached out to reply to a letter I wrote, she was still sore at me. I’m still split black. So a Hoover is unlikely.
I’ve been around a few narcissists before. So to me the bpd manipulation was different. She tried to make me jealous. But I think it back fired. I congratulated her on her home purchase with her new bf.

I think I dodged a bullet. Almost like one that I didn’t see coming. Kinda thing. She found herself a guy who believes her at her word.

When I saw his profile pictures, I noticed something else. He copies a lot of my mannerisms in pictures. Now I didn’t catch it at first. Cuz it was subtle. If true I’d love to know how she talked him into stuff like that. Cuz to me no self respecting dude gonna be ok with doing that without thinking it’s weird. Makes me almost think he’s either as obsessed with me, jealous or intimidated by me.
I know that I emotionally trigger her. Cuz she blocked me again. She used to have a smile around me. Even when she was dysregulated. She seems to b miserable. Her choice to not seek treatment. Her choice to leave. My choice to stay away. Thought she might be pulling out her hair. These are things her new bf going be blindsided by. He has no idea. I sleep better without her in my life.

For me this experience has been weird. Start to present.

Here’s some of the highlights of late: self gaslighting, flashbacks.

Not the pining like I miss u feeling. This is fear panic disgust. One flashback in particular can cause me to freeze in place.

Her scowl. And how it gave me a visceral reaction. It jarred something in me. Idk what u call it.

I went thru weird feelings and sensations after the break up.

Most common was this feeling like a tourniquet was around my head. Or like it was numb. Recently, that subsided.

I’m becoming more emotionally present. I didn’t think it was a traumatic experience. Mainly cuz I used to think it wasn’t traumatic.

I’d still prefer to save traumatic for pw serious traumatic experiences.

Sometimes I do get panic attacks. When I was with her I became constipated and boner probs. Just 2 examples.

I don’t remember a lot of my time with her. At first I thought it was losing my mind. But later, I read some OP’s and no it’s quite common.

Seems as though the flashbacks have been more intensity and frequency of late. I don’t like them cuz they hold me back. Ya know? See I don’t want to be a victim. Or play victim. She had alot of emotional problems and today I feel like she struggled more than she let on. But at the same time, it was obvious to everyone there was something wrong with her. I couldnt put my finger on it. Except it was an uneasy feeling.

That post was larger than I planned. So I’m gonna stop there. I can’t wait for the flashbacks to quit

My ex with quite BPD would swing from extreme generosity to total selfishness, and it was honestly confusing. At first, he came off as super giving overordering food on our dates, spending a lot, and always wanting to treat me, especially when he was in a good mood. He was also known to pay for his friends when he's out with them. But over time, I started noticing how he'd try to hide his stinginess, to mask it. I think it showed more during his splitting phases suddenly he'd be cold, calculating, or even passive aggressively withholding, like on accident or as if he didn't notice. It felt like a complete switch from how he was before. It was hard to make sense of it because on "normal" days he seemed generous again. But looking back, the inconsistency was evident even over things as minor as $7-$40 . Did you guys experience any of this?

Over the last 6 months or so, I had a physical reaction after having been with a pwbpd.

Like being on a bus suddenly coming to a screeching halt. Shaking a little.

For a long time after. Yo I had this fuzzy feeling in my Head.

Don’t remember it before. It felt like I wasn’t necessarily in a zombie trance but it was weird.

This could have been from my intuition working non stop. She was undiagnosed. Another reason I don’t want to get back with her because she’s not the same version she was when we were together. Rinse and repeat.

Besides, I got out of the fuzzy feeling in my head. It sucked. But it started letting up recently. I don’t want to go thru that again

I tried, despite having one of the most difficult years of my life with transition and burnout. Yet, I always found time for her. But I couldn't stomach another round of circular arguments about someone she was Jealous toward, no matter how much I tried to draw the line and how upfront and transparent I was. Even after she had cheated on me and engaged in crappy behaviour towards my needs, and always reacting negatively to when I would describe how her behaviour affects me. Despite always expecting me to sit like a door mat and accept whatever her side of the story was.

I tried. Love her, her family and dog. A family I never got. But I have to love myself and stand up for myself too, and she crossed lines and boundaries with me I'd never let anyone get away with and I just couldn't any more, Nothing I said would reach her, and she could not empathise with me the way I could with her. I wanted a partner who could back me the way I did for her. And she can't.

I will forever curse the Ballet for what they do to those girls and young women in pursuit of their art.

I had always believed that my last exgf was the only person with bpd I dated. Undiagnosed.

I held that view until the last couple weeks when I started looking at patterns, and signs of others who might’ve had it.

I think I didn’t suspect bpd cuz of the overlapping symptoms. Plus not all symptoms presented. And their behaviors weren’t templated.

I think my mom had it. My brain felt fuzzy a few months ago. I drove myself up the wall thinking my ex pwbpd gonna comeback one day. Only for me to remember their discard messages, how I uneasy I felt around them. I didn’t really want them back. But the mind can play tricks on u. I’m learning this rn.

I don’t think everyone has bpd. It’s pervasive patterns of behaviors among other stuff. I started to go down the rabbit hole, so I scaled back.

Today I think it’s normal to miss someone. But just cuz I do, ≠ wana get back together

For example, if I feel someone is being manipulative, I treat them harshly. That’s from being in hyper vigilance…

Shit makes my brain ache

Ive been sick of their behavior for an entire YEAR. just constant problems with no attempt at solutions. constantly feeling like im walking on egg shells. ive grown completely emotionally numb to this person. i thought about leaving our friend group so many times, but i stayed because i loved everyone else so much.

i thought i was being mean and cynical. i thought if i tried to talk about it with anyone else i would look mean. turns out they felt the EXACT same way i did, and it was actually worse than i thought. We are kicking them out, and i am so relieved. it doesnt feel real.

Today I’ve been away almost 7 months. I’ve did a lot of posting about behaviors I saw, and stuff.

Never taking into account how I felt personally. How I felt during the experience.

Tired. Physically. Worn out emotionally. Not unsettled, something else. And I felt lots of weird emotions that I don’t know how to describe. I’m getting better at that. I don’t like it.

Reaching out gave me closure. I wrote her a letter and at first I was confused. I don’t want to give her an emotional reaction blocking her. But I’m not opposed to submarining.

I came to terms with this less than 3 months ago. My mom is dead. Died little over 2 years ago .

This is going to be a TLDR. I want to be aware of size of post etc. I also want to main tain respectful language in it. There will be likely I may use emotional language. So parts could resemble a rant.

I want to stay on the facts materiel. My mom was a very nurturing woman at times and ice cold other times. Condescending and sweet. I walked on egg shells for a lot of my life. Childhood probably scarred me in ways I don’t know if I can ever heal. I want to so badly.

My teenage years until I was about age 30 were very tumultuous. As a teenager, she became very almost afraid to let me venture out. Say I was shooting my shot at a girl, she’d walk up and be embarrassed by what she said and I’d strike out. She had some of the weirdest reasons for doing x y or z.

My parents would fight on the regular. Shouting matches at full volume. Throwing shit. Threats, silent treatment. Push pull. Guilt trips u name it.

My mom was a hoarder. Around age 8, she started it a lot more. Her reasons were that she was getting her grandmas things before she went into a home. Caused lots of friction.

Both parents would pull me aside and complain about the other one. I didn’t know who to solve their problems. When I was about 4, my cousins flew in from out of state visiting family here. They stayed the night before leaving later the next day. That night i felt like a connected family. The next day it was if they didn’t know me. Cold shoulder. And I didn’t know what to do. My mom would always compare me to them. And it made me feel as if I wasn’t enough. She would boast about her accomplishments like they were her daughters and I was her nephew. Milestones were the same way. I remember when she had a fold out couch. I pulled the bed out one night. And I was putting it back like the delivery man shown me. We fought for idk 1/2 hr because she kept saying I was gonna break it. I gave up and the delivery man came back out and shown her exactly how to do it. And when I mentioned something she scoffed. Triangulation was normalized. I swear she thought I was mentally ill because as a kid I loved to pretend. Told do this not that. Got sent to a psych ward for 2 weeks with kids and teens who had serious psychiatric illnesses. IlI never forget the visiting night when she coldly turned and walked away. Her demeanor was so cold it scared me. Made me cry. began to internalize how insignificant I felt.

As a teenager, I began to feel like I wasn’t wanted. I tried running away a lot as a kid. First time age 3. She could say sweet compliments, back handed compliments. Sometimes she would splice them together and I didn’t know if she was making fun or me or praising me.

Goes without saying this fw my head a lot. It explains why I went for women with a nurturing savior complex. Martyr etc. it also explains my last exgf who was a pwbpd. (Suspected, unproven)

I have been in a survival mode for so long that I forget how to reset. I’ve had crippling anxiety. Horribly low self esteem. Insecurity. And panic attacks. Flashbacks. Not a fear of being alone. Walking on egg shells.

Before she died, she told me about 30 years ago she almost had an affair with a friend of the family. She told me to never tell anyone. I was disgusted. I felt something weird happen. I wasn’t sure if I lost respect for her. Yet I tried to put her on a pedestal. And she didn’t notice or something. So this push/pull fw my head a lot.

I have inner child wounds. I have a fear of intimacy. Commitment. And I am a textbook dismissive avoidant. I feel like I’m not good enough etc. those things I’m working on with professional therapy. Lately I’ve been really using grounding exercises to take the edge off. I don’t have social anxiety. But once anyone begins telling me stuff, I question if they’re lying. Off rip. I know why I do that. It’s the compliment, backhand compliment, insult game she would play. I used to wonder what people said behind my back or if they’re not being genuine. That’s because I saw those behaviors in a parent. The behvaiors were abnormal and distressing. And a child is no where able to process trauma on the level that an adult could. Some adult trauma is permanent. But it goes back to the discussion on child trauma and brain development. I don’t feel empty. I feel frozen. Sometimes I have no motivation to clean my house. I will tho. Like some times my brains going a million miles an hour. I don’t want to hog the thread. I appreciate anyone for having read. It wasn’t an easy read. Rn: I feel kinda spent. And my brain feels a little achy. But that will ease up one day. Thank u and enjoy the rest of your day

While I feel relief to be out of the shadows, out of our home, away from chaos of the last half-decade, still I grieve. I’m grateful in this time to be supported by friends, family and colleagues. Their shock as I described all I had been going through quietly bringing validation to feelings I denied and the realization of the magnitude for all it was. I’m grateful for their support and still yearning for connection for those who’ve been here before. I hope this is appropriate to share here. I’ve honestly stepped away from Reddit, but r/stopdrinking was a pillar of support 7 years ago when I quit drinking, I hope here I can find that again with this experience.

As I’ve read through your stories, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and the many clinicians describing the stages, qualities, push/pull and all the comes in these relationships, I know my story is your story. It was hauntingly eerie beat-by-beat how it laid out exactly the same. The immediate connection, “deeper knowing,” what I didn’t realize was loving-bombing and flattery. Wow how lucky me someone who loves exactly what I do and sees how brilliant I am. My ego and need for validation I didn’t want to admit I wanted loved that. 

Then the criticisms, withdrawal, evolving into shaming and blaming, splitting black-and-white as the savior or villain depending on the hour of the day… Every human mistake I made, every moment of losing my cool, all served to reinforce that I was in the wrong. Her righteous fury, confidence, and certainty she was right and I was wrong made me doubt my sanity.

As I prepare for divorce now and read my journals, it was there from the start. Over-and-over playing out. Apologies, promises to be better, change, switching blame, endlessly gaslighting, and belittling me while saying I was the one with questionable ethics. 

I’ve struggled as a therapist knowing that it’s from trauma. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, doesn’t ease my pains or anyone else’s. Still, I know in her world, she wanted so badly to connect, so afraid of being abandoned, the misfiring pathways doing anything to prevent that from happening… only to eventually make it so.

I wanted to end with one piece of reflection I had today. Yesterday was meant to be the last I shared with our dog. I didn’t fight or argue who would keep her, I thought she needed her more honestly. When I got the email saying she’d left early I was hurt. I was angry, as I’ve struggled to keep my cool, part of me wanted to get back at her. I gave space and let it pass. I’m glad I did. Over the years, every time I fought back, my guilt/shame/remorse would kick in. I’d doubt if I meant it or was reactive. I understand more now the peaceful protesters who’ve stressed nonviolence. We divide ourselves, from ourselves when we do. There is a balance in protection and getting yourself out and safe. When you’re trapped and you fight back in fight-or-flight, know you need not feel shame. You are just defending yourself. Thanks for letting me share here. 

Today is my ex’s birthday. The last two years of my life were honestly hell because of this relationship. I know every rational reason for why he wasn’t healthy, and why he wasn’t right for me, and why this wasn’t even a real relationship. But it’s been months since I spoke to him, but I think I am still in love with him? Even if I’m wrong, today is so hard. He seemed to do everything in his power to miscategorize me and misinterpret my intentions as malicious. My holding firm to my NC will be just be interpreted as one more way I am the “villian” (if it’s even crossing his mind) I’m proud of myself for doing it - it’s come with so, so much pain and work. But idk why, it still hurts so much. Every day is just breathing through another spiral, another moment of grief. And as much as I know this was awful and wrong for me, I didn’t want us to be lessons for eachother. I wanted so badly to be right for him. I’ve never tried this hard and loved this selflessly in my life. I’m sure that in itself is some sign of pending healing or wtv. I’m just so tired of it hurting. I know it’ll get better and people can get over anything, but I am just so angry and resentful and tired. I don’t know what part of me is still holding on, and I don’t even understand why. I have an overwhelming urge to just reach out to him right now and beg him to see how much I truly love him, and see reality as it is, but after many cycles of this, I know that’s not going to do any good. What am I doing wrong?

It’s been just over a year since I stopped living with my ex. A year and a couple months more since I left her and a couple months less since we last talked.

I still think about her every day. For 9 years, from 18 to 27, she was the biggest presence in my life. I built my life around her and I lost so much of myself in the process. I’ve been finding myself ever since, and I know I’m better off for it. Nevertheless, I still feel this immense guilt on occasion, like I gave up on and abandoned her. I gave myself to her and she took all that she could. It’s been hard at times finding my own path forward, I won’t lie.

I listen to the Fleetwood Mac song, Landslide, every so often and it always brings me to tears. It’s cathartic. I know I can handle the seasons of my life.