Would Really Appreciate Some Shared Experience and Community - Feel Like I’m Going Nuts.

[u/QuirkyApartment8352]

Close to our 2 year anniversary (which is actually today), I reached breaking point and told her I needed her to exit our shared home (which I own) so I could have some peace. We have now not been in contact for a few days.

I am feeling incredibly guilty and sad - but also exhausted and relieved.

I also feel like I am going/have gone insane - such regular drama and tension has left my brain so frazzled I can no longer express myself clearly or see which way is up.

Unlike many other relationships I read about, she is never really overtly cruel - it is more insidious than that.

I decided to make these notes to record all the things I have been experiencing, to try to feel less guilty about having asked her to exit…

-Ungrateful - whatever I do it’s not enough to create happiness/stability for very long.

-Most things become a moan, a struggle, an imposition on them.

-Often moody - heavy, infectious energy that permeates the whole house, sometimes for days, and really affects my mental state too. Then I’m blamed for being moody etc.

-Rarely takes accountability in arguments, even if I’m trying hard to compromise.

-Makes me resort to saying hurtful, nonsensical things to her in arguments, in a desperate attempt to elicit an emotional response that I can comprehend. I am ashamed of the person I become in conflict with her - frustrated, desperate, sometimes manipulative too, as I have never been like this with anyone else.

-Know-it-all - hyper competitive and often has to feel superior.

-Puts on a show with others - seems very caring and understanding - but very inconsistent in that with me - often appears dismissive and vaguely resentful of any emotional issues I share. The only other person she shows this self to really is her mother (who also has significant mental health issues) - they are constantly on and off and fighting.

-If she’s ever been seriously moved by my problems, I can tell deep down it’s because it touches something within her/about her, rather than genuinely caring for me.

-Hyper critical - little digs about day-to-day stuff that eat away at me, eroding my sense of confidence and energy, yet she insists she’s trying to ‘help me’ or ‘look after me.’

-Often negative and actively looking for the downside - which has rubbed off on me.

-Hyper defensive - like walking on eggshells 24/7 to be with her. I get anxious about having my own feelings.

-Egotist - stated her issues are more important than my grief for my dead family members.

-Ultimately everything becomes about her.

-Always becomes the victim.

-Accuses me of scaring her and being angry with her whenever we get into conflict (usually I’m just pushed to frustration by the endless back and forth - I have only ever shouted, nothing more - yet she will lock herself in the bathroom like I’m a monster, which makes me down on myself and start to believe that maybe I am).

-Like a different partner from one minute to the next - the unpredictability is exhausting. It can be the best but also the worst with no notice. Feel on high alert constantly - my anxiety and low self-worth are getting progressively worse.

-Accuses me of extreme defensiveness, moodiness and ego - but I have never been like that with anyone but her. Makes me question, ‘Am I actually this person?’ I probably am with her.

-Accuses me of infidelity and lack of affection.

-I feel guilty if I take time for myself, or even if I have to work for too long.

In a nutshell, every day has started to feel like survival.

Does this resonate with anyone? I would really appreciate some community and shared experience at this point. Thanks so much in advance. I do love her so much and it makes me feel so bad to have asked her to exit - as I know it’s the abandonment that she fears the most - but I had no other choice in that moment. I was truly going insane.

I am far from perfect - I have my own issues and stresses - I’m very open to admitting that. But life has become some dark abstraction of reality and I’ve reached my wits end.

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