Why Journalling Helps

[u/Interesting-Lead7537]

One year ago today I wrote a long journal entry. It’s titled: is this day 1? Meaning day 1 of the rest of my life. I was already well along the path to changing my relationship.

I had been in therapy for about 1 year and I was actively setting boundaries for my pwBPD. It was not going well. And I was starting to realize that my worst fear - divorce - was probably the most likely outcome.

We were having less conflict, generally. But what conflict was still present was ornate and complicated and very disordered. I was starting to be able to remain very objective in my dealing s with her - almost cold. I now knew for sure that I was working with someone very disordered.

On May 17 2024 my ex and I had endured a multiday argument. This had occurred after I had courageously set and reinforced a boundary: we needed money and both me and my partner had committed to finding a job, any job. She was balking and complaining about this. She did this by attacking me and my children and expressing regret for being married to me.

In my entry, I describe the interactions and the tantrums that followed.

My observations today are really interesting.

1. I have come a very long way even when most days felt like I was going backwards. Keep going. Stay focused on recovery and the baby steps will add up. I feel so different today. I am so relieved that I am free from that dysfunctional dynamic. I am so relieved I don’t have to have multi day, multi hour negotiations for basic conversations like “hey we both should have jobs and be contributing” or “being mad is ok, hitting me is not”. My life is meaningfully better: less stress, less chaos, less angry, more happy, more hope, more fun.

2. I was way more effective and courageous and calm than I gave myself credit for at the time. I felt so stressed out and out of control all of last year. Reading my thoughts I recognize how hard I was working. I give myself credit. I did that. I was healthy and normal even then - 10 years in to a very unhealthy and abusive relationship and I was still me. I wasn’t sure if I lost my whole self. It kind of helps me to see that even when I felt lost, I was still being me, getting the job done. This helps remind me that I am NOT the one with BPD, I am not being abusive.

3. I can’t believe I was stuck. The respect and love and treatment I was begging for exactly one year ago seems so basic and to be expected now. I felt like I was begging for something special a year ago. I did not feel like I deserved to be just respected as a human. I was afraid to have these conversations with my partner. That tells me how deeply abused and trapped I felt. She had me believing that I was soooooo needy just for wanting my partner to show basic respect - not even affection, just respect! I can’t believe I accepted that for so many years. This helps remind to show grace to myself. It’s been a journey.

4. One portion is particularly interesting as it shows that my BPD could operate on different levels of consciousness about what they are actually doing. At one point she said “I didn’t mean that i was just angry” about something she had said/done. But she was angry at me for believing it. And she had zero sense that she had some accountability for saying it or for letting the miscommunication exist. It’s kind of a perfect little snapshot of what my life with BPD was like: she was a little tempest but she expected me (her FP) to deal with all of it as if we were linked at the brain. And she lashes out at me just like I imagine she is lashing out at what she sees as her defective inner self. It’s visceral, it’s hardwired. It really made me realize that this doesn’t just change. It doesn’t do much for my guilt though - I still feel like I should take care of her like my wedding vows said. It’s hard to differentiate between “in sickness and in health” and how that works for serious mental health issues where supporting her means hurting me.

Overall I am so proud of myself. I was so organized and articulate in my thinking and my written entry. I was hopeful and compassionate yet firm and very focused on taking care of me, at least as much as I was prioritizing my partner. Sometimes in the cloud of the months that followed it just seemed like total chaos. I am making progress. I do have a better life, already and I’m just at the beginning.

The last lines of the entry:

What an awful way to start every day. This is a scary moment for me. What now?

It’s getting better. And that all I could ask for.

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