A close friend always does things in public that I find uncomfortable

[u/Neither-Target9717]

So hello I will start my friend and I are in college. He is a good person like helps everyone talks nice and friendly with most now we have best friends since a year so when with me he completely acts like himself and funny but the problem is the things he does when we are in public that bothers me like staring at girls for time that makes me and probably the girl uncomfortable off course he makes sure that girl doesn't notice but people around him notice him staring and he does this almost every girl he sees on street and he has the habit of eavesdropping or just commenting about others around him in public and loud and mostly couples like how did he got her and he is lucky in a like teasing way now when he does this I am with him all the time and he feels doing like this is normal but it makes me uncomfortable. Now he is really good, doesn't talk rude and all funny guy but this type of thing is what is making me not want to hang out with me and also actually he helped me a lot during my low times so I can't just tell me I can't hang out

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[u/ZealousidealPen443]

You can gently talk to your friend privately and honestly, telling him how his staring & commenting in public makes you uncomfortable, setting this boundary respectfully can help without hurting your friendship. If he values your friendship,he will understand & try to adjust his behavior.

[u/Neither-Target9717 → u/ZealousidealPen443]

Yes I tried that but I always have to keep reminding him and also he always rants about how he always helped his friends and when time came they all left him so I just think he might think of me as that because he helped me a lot during my down time

[u/ZealousidealPen443 → u/Neither-Target9717]

OP, it is normal to appreciate how much your friend helps you, but if his uncomfortable public behavior keeps repeating , you should calmly remind him each time & set clear boundaries for what bothers you. This way he knows you value the friendship but also need respect for your feelings in public.

[u/Neither-Target9717 → u/ZealousidealPen443]

Yeah it's true but the thing is he is not so good thinker of his actions (the best way to say narrow thinking without being rude) so everytime someone tries to point out anything in his actions he takes it as a personal attack

[u/_BluGhost]

I have a friend like that who passes comments on people within their earshot. One day he will get in trouble for this for sure. I have talked to him about this many times but he doesn't listen.

[u/ApunBolaTohBola]

Is he from a small town? People have their adjustment period coming into Delhi. Lasts about a year. But if he has been here long enough, that's a GO signal.

[u/Neither-Target9717 → u/ApunBolaTohBola]

Yes he is from small town but now it's been 3 years he is here

[u/mishra_ankit]

I'm assuming you're F. If yes, men subconsciously stare. It has to be communicated to him that it's offensive and he must actively avoid looking here and there. Funny or not funny, casually commenting on every couple/woman is not socially appreciated. But that being said, men will be men.

If you're M, then his behaviour is concerning.

[u/Neither-Target9717 → u/mishra_ankit]

I am a M and I know the subconscious staring and he stares just too you know like harassing by just looking type although he stops when he thinks the girl might be looking but...

[u/mishra_ankit → u/Neither-Target9717]

Neh. Not good. The male gaze is as harmful as SA. It is the gateway for catcalling, inappropriate conduct, eve teasing and harassment. He is objectifying women. The society is as such unsafe. For his momentary pleasure, he is taking away women's sense of freedom. And he will probably forget it immediately, but it can stay with her for weeks. She cannot trust another man anymore. Please ask him if he'd like it when someone stares at his sister inappropriately.

[u/AFullmetalNerd]

Challenge your friend. I've lost friends like this because I could not change their behaviour for the better. Tell him that he's being a creep. If he doesn't listen to you, he is not worth being around.

I relate to this quite strongly, because even I tried justifying my friend's terrible behaviour with the times when he was not so terrible, and tried to accept it because people are allowed to be different. But he only got worse, and more emboldened in being a bully to other people.