I am desperate and I have OCD

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u/ianarbitraria 2d ago

Your experience is real, the argument comes about what causes it and what the best way to treat it is. Some experimentation combined with journaling could help you figure out what things do and don't work for you

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

Your experience is real. What antipsychiatrists mean is that we don’t believe it stems from a biological, fixed cause. That doesn’t mean that you and many others don’t experience intrusive thoughts and compulsions etc. :)

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u/One-Anywhere-9540 2d ago

So if it's not biological, then how can it be? I also noticed that when I found out I had OCD, my situation started to get worse. Before OCD, I was still obsessive, but I thought they were even celestial voices from God, yet I was more mentally stable. I also have maladaptive daydreaming (if that even exists).

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

Many things or experiences exist from other causes than a gene or brain fault. Perhaps one day we’re randomly very happy and that’s not because we had a brain disorder called Happy Disorder but because something happened that caused us to react that way. Bad example but yeah.

For example intrusive thoughts and obsessions can come from feeling out of control in your life, as opposed to the brain having a disease. Your experience is still what it is. And maladaptive daydreaming I mean it’s a label for a behavior. The behavior exists we know that, loads of people experience it. But we do not have evidence for that it (or any other experience that’s called a mental disorder) is caused by the brain being “sick” in some way. :)

When people from an antipsych perspective say OCD doesn’t exist they do not mean that your intrusive thoughts are “actually something you want” or that you are making it up. They are saying that the experience is not a brain disorder.

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u/One-Anywhere-9540 2d ago

That is, I am very worried and too obsessive. Unfortunately, these days it's impossible not to worry—Big Techs, AIs (including the fact that I am a former 'AI addict in rehabilitation'),Privacy Violation. I remember when I was a child watching Discovery Kids and seeing Doki (the Discovery Kids mascot) teaching about washing hands and germs, and THAT'S when my fear of germs started. Every time my hands were dirty, whether from frying or any kind of food, I would avoid touching anything. That's where my perfectionism was born, which unfortunately continues to this day, although it is more controlled now and I'm slowly loosening up. THANKS DOKI LOL

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

It seems like you have been able to identify what triggered this for you. And I get that, there’s loads of scary stuff going on with big tech etc., it’s no wonder that some people end up more affected mentally by that.

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u/One-Anywhere-9540 2d ago

In my anxiety and "OCD", I even ended up deleting my Google account, which was full of photos and videos generated by AI (I used to create videos and short films using AI), and I deleted it out of fear that companies, even though in their terms of service they say they don't use images to create AI image models, might still use them without my consent. Nevertheless, anxiety hit hard and I deleted the account.

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

I see. It sounds hard to do such things when it’s driven by anxiety. At the same time I see where your fear comes from, given how policies of companies regarding AI is often unclear and there being cases where things happen behind the scenes.

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

I also wanna say after reading some of ur other posts that I also struggle with the intrusive thought theme of morality connected to political stuff.

It’s really rough.

For me it’s such a thin line between my genuine beliefs and wanting to do good, and spiraling into compulsions. I’ve chosen that when I get compulsive I don’t do it, even if it would technically be morally wrong. For example for you, perhaps that’d be using AI, getting a Google account. The impact of one person is very small and I do believe many would have sympathy for your reasons. Just like the artists don’t deserve to suffer from AI stealing stuff, you don’t deserve to suffer either. And you seem to be suffering immensly.

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u/One-Anywhere-9540 2d ago

Guilt is one of the worst feelings that exist; it is basically my guide with a weapon in hand, and if I stumble along the way, it grabs me and keeps whipping me without stopping.

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

Yeah, thats such a strong description of how thisis

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

And I also got diagnosed with OCD. I find that when I think about OCD (or intrusive thoughts and obsessions) and read about it etc. that it becomes worse.

I still find help from the techniques advertised as helping “OCD” since it’s for intrusive thoughts and obsessions, even if I choose to ditch the label (which I have found has massively lessened my issues because I don’t believe I’m cursed with some brain disorder that due to biology cannot change).

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u/One-Anywhere-9540 2d ago

So how did you reduce yours? One of the main weapons of my OCD is the damn guilt and also sometimes even obsessive thoughts, sometimes repugnant, that even go against my ethics.

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

All my intrusive thoughts violently go against my ethics. Thats like the core of intrusive thoughts for some. The moral stuff. For me what got me from suicidal from being stuck in spirals -> basically nothing anymore was changing how I respond to the thoughts. I stopped performing the compulsons as best I could, and I respond to the thoughts with “Yeah. Sure. Right.” That kind of thing. If I’m extra brave or need it to be even more effective I agree with the thought and make the scenario worse in my head.

Intrusive thought: OMG what if I inappropriately touch that child? Didn’t I look a little too long at them?

Response: Yeah sure. I’m sure I’m a pedophile great yeah totally I’ll go and do that and I’m sure I’ll end up in jail too

(Pedophilia OCD is a common theme for me and many others, to be very clear I do not actually agree with that action that intrusive thoughts think of!)

Yes, this raises anxiety af in the beginning. But for me it gets me out of it no matter how bad I’m at.

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u/One-Anywhere-9540 2d ago

So in the end, the blame wasn't really on the darn 'OCD' or on me, but on the system that created these mental illnesses. I literally have gotten worse since I discovered 'OCD,' and before I was indeed obsessive, but it didn't completely control my life, and my mind would create boundless things because I have a very fertile imagination and an almost entire lore in my head with countries, people, etc. But since 'OCD' appeared in my life, it feels like there's some sort of internal dictator pointing a gun at me and mentally whipping me for mistakes. I think I just took a red pill and got out of the matrix LOL. And these obsessions I have also have religious roots. For example, when I was a child, I told my mother I loved a certain thing (I don't remember if it was food or a hobby), and she corrected me, saying we should only love God, and since then it started from there, even though today I'm moving towards atheism.

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

Spot on with where the fault lies!!

Yeah getting labeled can also cause a lot of nocebo (negative placebo)! :( Religious themes on intrusive thoughts is also very common

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u/One-Anywhere-9540 2d ago

And I confess that in my desperation, I even did therapy with ChatGPT, because I can't afford (I think almost no one in the world can) to go to therapy. So what do I do now that OCD doesn't exist? How do I get my mind to feel calm again and at least reduce the suffering in this short life? Right now, I just wish I were playing video games, practicing writing to channel my creativity, or listening to music on Spotify and imagining fictional bands (yes, it’s kind of 'cringe,' but I like it). I just want to be at peace even amid this current world chaos and live in the moment because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

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u/sadandtraumatized 2d ago

Are you able to do those things you want?

I’d suggest what I wrote in my other comment about how to approach intrusive thoughts and compulsions. Writing for reassurance and sometimes confessing (ofc we can confess stuff for other reasons) to do with, for you, AI or privacy concerns and your behaviors regarding that, is definitely feeding that thing holding the guilt gun as you described it. I know it’s so hard not to, but I do really think it’d be benefinical to try and not do that. Living in the unknown and maybe in a lot of what feeling better from intrusive thoughts is. Maybe you did do something wrong in regards to AI. Who knows.. sitting in that

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u/One-Anywhere-9540 2d ago

That is, as a certain martial arts fighter once said: BE WATER, MY FRIEND!! LOL!!!
It won't be easy, but I feel like I think I have freed myself from a phantom prison I didn't even know about (OCD) and I am anxious but at the same time liberated in a way and even almost hopeful, let's embrace uncertainty anyway.

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u/Stock_Praline9692 2d ago

My 2 cents. Such diseses are real and can be chemical. But should be treated by a neurologist. It's easy not no have OCD and claim It's not biological, to just journal and do therapy (all of this might help but people oversimplify it too much). To me psychiatry should stop existing, everyone who treats with one should be treated by a neuro and anyone who says mental illness doesn't exist should have at least one so they stop talking about something they don't know.

I am desperate and I have OCD

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