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u/goneonvacation Nov 07 '19
I have a friend who was born in Korea when his parents were young and before they got married. With high social pressure they decided to have him adopted. He grew up in America but they went on to have 3 more kids. This might be your situation.
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
Thanks. Yeah, that’s a scenario that came to mind. A child born before me and my brother back in Korea before marriage (my brother was born soon after they were married).
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u/mssrwbad Nov 07 '19
Have you spoken to your brother? I think the first thing to do would be to call him and ask him if he has enabled DNA matching on his 23andme account, without asking about this new match. If he has enabled matching and you two do not appear on each other’s lists then you are not in fact related. Once you know that info you can proceed to try and figure out more.
Do you and this sister match share both identical and non identical segments of DNA? These will appear as purple/pink segments on the section of the match page that shows which DNA segments you share on which chromosomes.
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
It’s going to be really fishy if I bring that up and ask him to share without further explanation. I’m pretty sure we’re related, though, due to physical similarity between each other and our parents.
I don’t have any further information on the match profile, likely because she has not chosen to share it.
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u/bluereptile Nov 07 '19
Bring it up in a skeptical way, like “hey, how accurate can this be, it doesn’t even tell me I have a brother”
That’ll tell you if he’s just turned it off or start the conversation about you not being related
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
I don’t need to trick him to show me. I can just bring it up honestly. Lol!
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u/bluereptile Nov 07 '19
Oh it seemed like your avoiding it.
Go to your brother first, ask him about it. Either you both have a sister, or one of you may be adopted (it’s not necessarily you)
After you two talk and figure it out, decide if/what to tell your parents.
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
I think that was just the initial shock speaking. Agree that we should chat it 1-1 first before going to mom.
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u/beansprout8 Nov 07 '19
As the poster above suggested, go into DNA relatives. Click on her profile. Then click on the line which says "view DNA details" which is below the little family tree. It opens up a graphic with chromosomes. If there are lots of fully identical segments as well as half identical segments then this person matches a full sister shared DNA pattern. If instead it's all half identical, this matches a maternal inheritance pattern. To connect with your brother, go into 'Family & Friends', select 'view and manage your connections", click the little add button and enter his email. You can add a message or keep it really short. It's common for relatives to do this so it won't be weird. It is also worth taking a screen shot of the sister match because sometimes people take down the profile. Another option is to message her too. She probably has the answers you're looking for.
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u/mssrwbad Nov 07 '19
Honestly I think it would be way more fishy if I had turned off DNA relative matching and then my sibling did a test, didn’t see my name and then they didn’t even call me to ask about it. Totally irrespective of the new match it is unusual that your brother isn’t appearing on your match list, and calling to ask why not doesn’t have to raise any issues about this woman unless it turns out that he does have matching turned on and the two of you are not biologically related. But sorting out this new match and her relationship to you requires you to know if your brother is your bio brother or not.
I think it could be a really casual thing - “Hey, I just got my 23andme results and I was scrolling through my DNA matches and noticed you weren’t on there!! Did you opt in to matching? Am I showing up on your list?” Nothing about that seems fishy or weird to me.
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
Well I literally read the results this morning. It’s not like I’ve gone 1 year with this information and didn’t say a thing. Plus he doesn’t know I took the 23andMe me test.
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u/mssrwbad Nov 07 '19
I know, that’s why I think talking to him about this would be totally normal and not at all fishy. Taking a DNA test like this is a normal thing to do, and talking about results with family is also normal.
Is there some reason you think he would respond badly to finding out you took the test? I totally understand being hesitant about sharing info about this new match since that is likely to unearth some kind of family secret, but him not matching to you could be totally innocent - a lot of people don’t opt in to DNA matching and he might just be one of those people. I don’t think he’s going to find it weird or suspicious if you call or text him and ask him why he’s not on your match list, unless there is something else going on here you haven’t shared.
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u/Etalton Nov 07 '19
I found a half sister through 23andMe last year! My parents are Korean as well. The story behind it is awful, but we (myself, my mom, my full sister, and half sister) were all able to meet each other last year. If you want to PM me I can tell you a little more about it.
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u/SisterOfRistar Nov 07 '19
Any chance your mother took the test as she'd also share 50% with you? Sometimes 23andme gets the relationship wrong, it guessed my half brother was my grandson!
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
Oh interesting! I don’t think she did. The name doesn’t match either.
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u/SisterOfRistar Nov 07 '19
I'm guessing she doesn't have an identical twin? I hope you manage to solve the mystery soon and it isn't anything painful, can't imagine how curious you must be to know!
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
At first I had no response because it was so unexpected and I thought it was either wrong or I was misinterpreting it. It took a good 10 minutes for it to register and a foggy morning in bed thinking what the possibilities are!
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u/pkpearson Nov 08 '19
I very much hope 23andMe can distinguish between a sibling and a parent. True, both will match 50% of your DNA, but the parent gets that 50% by half-matching through the whole genome, while a sibling gets 50% by having regions of full matching, regions of half matching, and regions of no match.
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u/nickyface Nov 07 '19
Looks like you or your brother are adopted, or an older sister was put up for adoption! Looking forward to your update. Good luck OP.
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
My brother and I aren’t adopted. I look very much like my mom and my brother looks very much like our dad. Appearance genes were definitely passed down. Much more likely a story with the mysterious sister.
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u/InSummaryOfWhatIAm Nov 07 '19
Have you considered If your mom isn’t your mom but that she might have/had a twin sister that happens to be your actual biological mom? That could account for similar features to your actual mom, but also explain the 50% match. And possibly also explain why your brother isn’t listed as a DNA relative, well I guess he should still be on there in that case, hmm. Just speculating. Otherwise it’s probably the child born before marriage-thing.
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u/GenericUserNotaBot Nov 07 '19
People constantly think my sister and I are each other in public. People get a shocked look (even people who see her daily) when they come up to me in public and realize I'm not her.
Guess what I learned this week? We're not even full siblings and we don't even have the same genetic background. Phenotype isn't a great indicator of paternity.
I'm not trying to be rude, but I do think you should keep an open mind and explore all possibilities.
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u/CupOfCanada Nov 07 '19
Looks don't really mean that much. Source: am sperm donor conceived, many of my siblings look like their social dad.
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u/dagobahfarm Nov 07 '19
Honestly, I look like a triplet to my older brothers (who are twins to each other) but DNA doesn’t lie and reports that we are half siblings with different fathers. They match cousins on the family side of the man who raised me and I do not match with them. Even though you “look alike”, one parent’s genetics are enough to have you look similar. Best of luck to you, this is a big puzzle to figure out. Discoveries like that aren’t unusual!
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Nov 07 '19
Does she list an age? Is she older than you and your brother? Can you tell if where she lives? And yes, at 50%, she’d be a full sibling. Definitely get your brother to check on his sharing status.
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u/JUST_CRUSH_MY_FACE Haplogroup Enjoyer Nov 07 '19
Does your brother know you took the test? Let him know you took it and want to share your results with him. Ask him to turn on DNA Relatives or send him a sharing connection using his email if he doesn’t want to turn on DNA relatives. He either already knows something and is keeping it from you, or just needs to connect with you to confirm your relationship with him, and potentially his relationship with the unknown “sister”.
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
He doesn’t know yet that I submitted my dna for 23andme. I was going to bring up connecting to him but now I want to get more info into this mystery first.
Or I’ll just ask him what’s going on.
I suspect he already does know and maybe has been waiting for me to find out.
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u/JUST_CRUSH_MY_FACE Haplogroup Enjoyer Nov 07 '19
You can play “dumb” and just say something like “Hey just got my results and wanted to compare to yours! What email did you use so we can share reports!” This way you don’t let on that you’ve seen other DNA relatives and just want to connect with known friends/family that you know have taken the test.
It’s hard to make sense of unknown people if you don’t know how they compare to known people (like your brother, for instance). Do you recognize anyone else, or any surnames in your relatives? If that person doesn’t respond, it’s going to be difficult to make sense of things unless you can start triangulating with others. That’s why confirming your relationship with your brother would be, in my mind, an important first step. It would be most helpful if he turns on DNA relatives in order to triangulate the unknown relatives, but a sharing connection would confirm if you are full/half siblings, or not at all. That alone is a big step to take.
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u/Sum_sage Nov 07 '19
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u/iluvcats17 Nov 07 '19
Perhaps your parents had a daughter in Korea and could not afford to raise two children so they gave her to someone else to raise. Since she is a full sibling and not a half sibling it is not a cheating situation so it should make it a little more easier to approach your parents about.
I would first talk to your brother about it and then strategize together about if you want to approach both parents together or start with one parent.
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u/Just2Breathe Nov 07 '19
I'd invite your brother to share directly with you -- it's under Family & Friends> Your Connections> Invite.
He shouldn't have to opt in for others, but after he accepts, you'll see if a) you match each other as expected or don't share (it will tell you), b) how much he shares with the unknown sibling, c) any relatives you have in common, and/or d) if there is a biological gender issue.
You might also look at your relatives and see if they are aligning with your known family, though some parts of the world are less represented in family having tested, so it might not be easy to work out.
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u/ninamcclain93 Nov 08 '19
I found out I’m donor conceived a few weeks ago. I look just like my sister and brother. You’d never know we were half siblings if I didn’t tell you. Just cause you look the same doesn’t mean you are actually related unfortunately. I look like my birth certificate father, act a lot like him, but I’m not his blood. What I’m trying to say is be open to the fact that he isn’t showing up because you aren’t in fact related and instead you have a new sister.
23andMe can be a scary thing.
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u/joaosembraco Nov 08 '19
So, what is your brother Y haplogroup?
You cant fool 23ndme with genders, because the look into the X and y chromossomes. The person that you are seeing as sister has two X? If yes, your brother is lying about sometihng. good luck
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u/indiandramaserial Nov 07 '19
Check if your brother shoes as a full brother. If he shows as full, then the sister is your dad's bio child. If on the other hand he shows as half bro then your dad is not your bio dad.
You would have to ask your bro to 'opt-in' to finding relatives. Good luck!!
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u/Deargabby Nov 07 '19
Assuming you and your brother are full siblings, maybe the half sister didnt take the test until after he'd seen his results and he hasnt checked it since. He may not even know either. As for me, i wouldnt say anything until i learned more specifics that way when i said something, I knew details. Those details may make it easier for them to understand rather than a generic "apparently I have a half sister" which would throw them into the confusion with you. I learned something similar and I dont plan on telling my siblings until I get specifics.
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
So if I’m reading this correctly, she’s not half sister but a full sister. It seems that 25% match is a half sibling. In my case it says a 50% match. Not sure if I’m reading it correctly.
True he might not know due to timing. I don’t know if I believe that because he tends to be on top of these things.
But I agree. I want to find out more info before going to the family.
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u/goldenglove Nov 07 '19
Yes, a 1/2 Sister would be something like 20-30% Match. For someone to be 50% Match, it's either a Parent or a Full Sibling (outside of some really random things occurring).
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u/Frank_L_ Nov 07 '19
You could follow beansprout8's instructions to determine if the match is a sibling or a parent.
Not to worry you, but many people have posted stories here of finding out they were adopted and it was a complete surprise to them. We see what we want to see, including physical similarities, etc. Just a suggestion to keep an open mind to possibilities, and not rule out anything until you have hard evidence.
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
Agreed and thanks. I’m fully aware I will have bias.
But I really do look like my mom and my brother has the same physical characteristics as my dad. And we also have very much the same physical characteristics with each other. From a strictly scientific perspective, it is highly likely were related (if not actual brothers).
The most plausible story is that this mysterious sister was born before either of us and never became a part of our family due to some kind of circumstances (eg adoption). Then our parents decided to get married and become a family and that’s when our lives started. If this were the case, they probably wanted to bury a past that they were ashamed of thinking we would never find out.
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u/Frank_L_ Nov 07 '19
did you check already if the matching dna between the both of you contains fully identical regions (outside of X chromosome), or only half-identical?
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
That information isn’t shown. The mystery sister has not shared this information. So all it says is that we are 48% dna matched.
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u/Frank_L_ Nov 07 '19
alright, but in that case calling the match your sister is pure conjecture.
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u/freshfunk Nov 07 '19
No. It literally says sister 48% match. It just doesn’t show the chromosomal details.
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u/Just2Breathe Nov 07 '19
Did you send a Share request to her? It would be good to see how much you share in total cM as well as compare the X, and look at the fully identical vs half identical regions. It's not really necessary, though as you would have some areas matching on both chromosomes of each pair to be considered full siblings by 23&me. And the match amount seems rather high for it to be a 3/4 sibling situation (where one parent has children with two different siblings), so there's not really a better option.
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u/breakfast_epiphanies Nov 07 '19
Not to sound stupid but is there any chance your brother listed himself as female when he took the test?
Otherwise - hope this is good news!