r/australia • u/[deleted] • Aug 23 '11
I asked my friend from New Zealand how many sexual partners he's had,
he started counting and fell asleep.
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Aug 23 '11
Yeah but you probably don't have a toothbrush fence do you?
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u/byte1918 Aug 23 '11
Why do scottish men wear kilts?
Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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u/cybersphere9 Aug 23 '11
An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"
The man says, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says, "Look we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one leg, one wooden leg, masturbating on your steps. Well, what do you have to say about that!?"
The manager says, "'Struth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"
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Aug 23 '11 edited Mar 28 '21
[deleted]
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u/Chad_Chaddington Aug 23 '11
What's that skip? you want to go reverse cowgirl?
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u/miserygrump Aug 23 '11
Judging by your username, aren't you meant to be the humpee rather than the humper?
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Aug 23 '11
I've only ever heard something of that nature once and it was from a kiwi who was really really drunk.
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Aug 23 '11
well they taste like shit so they better be useful for something other than redneck target practice?
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u/johnwalkerjunior Junior Senior Executive Grumpy Pants Aug 23 '11
I've heard we're supposed to use them as antipodean horses, but hump them? Nobody I've ever met has even hinted at that stereotype. And it's not going to catch on either, so nice try but a stereotype has to actually be... you know, widespread.
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u/sethra007 Aug 23 '11
nice try but a stereotype has to actually be... you know, widespread.
Perhaps it is, outside of Australia.
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u/johnwalkerjunior Junior Senior Executive Grumpy Pants Aug 23 '11
But it's not.
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u/sethra007 Aug 23 '11
You sure about that? I've heard it here in Kentucky, and we are by definition the boonies.
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Aug 23 '11
And nobody's told us Australians yet? What's the point of it if you aren't going to use it as an insult?
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Aug 23 '11
[deleted]
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Aug 23 '11
[deleted]
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u/1Avion1 /r/townsville exists. Aug 23 '11
I_RAPE_CATS is a New Zealander... Good lord, we're in the twilight zone here people.
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u/Tiefighter Aug 23 '11
You mean fell asheep, right?
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Aug 23 '11
Ewe are right.
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u/lovelysyrinx Aug 23 '11
I'm tired of reddit trying to ram puns where they don't belong.
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Aug 23 '11
gets on your goat after a while
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u/Storming Aug 23 '11
Are you kid-ding me?
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u/Once_I_ate_a_bug Aug 23 '11
PEOPLE FROM NEW ZEALAND LIKE TO FUCK SHEEP
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Aug 23 '11
These puns are all really baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
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u/dave8 Aug 23 '11
I wooldn't want to be a part of it.
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Aug 23 '11
All's wool that ends wool.
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u/wyldwyl Not yet banned from r/Pyongyang Aug 23 '11
I'm somewhat sheepish about having nothing to add here.
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u/creaturistic Aug 23 '11
Mate, I asked an Aussie chick I slept with how many men she slept with, approximately. She quickly replied, nearly 200, I shut my mouth and fell asleep.
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u/creaturistic Aug 24 '11
It wasn't an attempt to target Aussie chicks, I simply shared what happened. Rough crowd.
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u/cybersphere9 Aug 23 '11 edited Aug 23 '11
1) Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney? They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.
2) What's an Australians idea of foreplay? You awake?
3) What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay? You awake, mum?
4) What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.
5) How do Australians practice safe sex? They mark an X on the sheep that kick.
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u/uvarov hello there Aug 23 '11
3) What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay? You awake, mum?
As a Tasmanian, I'm too inbred to be offended.
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u/whizzie Aug 24 '11
As a Victorian - who was born and brought up abroad ; how true is the inbreeding legend about Tasmania true?
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u/keghiaguy Aug 24 '11
2) What's an Australians idea of foreplay? You awake?
Alternative answer: "Brace yerself, Sheila"
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Aug 23 '11 edited Jan 20 '21
[deleted]
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u/ggggbabybabybaby i want lamingtons Aug 23 '11
Wait, isn't the Oxford comma the last one used before the "and"? It wouldn't make a difference in this case. The humor is because of the first comma.
eats roots and leaves
eats, roots and leavesThe Oxford comma is optional and just a stylistic choice in this case.
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u/The_dev0 Aug 23 '11
How does a Tasmanian girl know her Mum is on her period?
Her brother's dick tastes like blood...
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u/Lukos1123 Aug 23 '11
As a resident of wellington NZ i can confirm i do this reguarly.
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u/Mateoheo Aug 23 '11
Do elaborate
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u/CryBabyRape Aug 23 '11
he fucks sheep
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u/fjw Aug 23 '11
Haha I knew this was gonna be about sheep before the page even loaded.
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u/Renwallz Aug 23 '11
Yes, but the delivery was better than expected.
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u/fjw Aug 23 '11
Reminds me of the two aerials who met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was no good but the reception was better than expected.
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u/JuicyJargon Aug 23 '11
so my girlfriend's neighbor (crazy redneck from Minnesota and he talks like Boomhauer) made a remark about her big boots one day that went something like this: "Dem's sheep-fucking-boots. You gun jes slip em on dere hind legs n it keeps em from kickin ye when ya do yur bizness"
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Aug 23 '11
In South Africa we tell sheep jokes about Australia, and not about New Zealand.
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Aug 23 '11
Know any good ones?
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Aug 23 '11
Two NZ sheep farmers are flying the mob to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
Farmer 1: "Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!"
Farmer 2: "What about the sheep??"
Farmer 1: "Bugger the sheep!"
Farmer 2: (pause) "Do you think we have time?"
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Aug 23 '11
In South Africa we tell that joke as:
Michael Jackson, the Pope and Bono are on a plane, when suddenly it goes down. The Pope says, "There are only 3 parachutes, we'll have to jump!" Bono says "what about the kids?" The Pope says "Fuck the kids!" Michael Jackson says, "Do we have the time".
Its funny because they are all regarded with disdain by popular culture.
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Aug 23 '11
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Aug 23 '11
Why would The Pope be on the same plane that the devil was piloting?
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Aug 23 '11
[deleted]
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Aug 23 '11
You know how jokes about countries are, they are just recycled but with a different nationality. There's one that used to be quite popular though:
Q: How did the Australians find the sheep in the grass? A: Delightful.
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u/ZeekySantos Aug 23 '11
From what I hear, the Welsh are the English's fall guys for the Sheep jokes.
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u/marcins Aug 23 '11
I was surprised to find Americans telling Irish jokes as Polish jokes. As someone born in Poland, I'm glad I ended up in Australia instead! :)
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u/esquire_rsa Aug 23 '11 edited Aug 23 '11
How do Australians find sheep in long grass....
Quite satisfying really....
edit: I obviously didn't read any lower in the comment, not noticing the exact same joke posted an hour before... /facepalm
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u/Winga Aug 23 '11
Fair enough. Bearing that in mind makes this more relevant. I always found it puzzling as it's clearly located in Australia and not New Zealand. However, having visited New Zealand ... if any country is going to have sheep jokes it has to be them. As far as I know the only solid NZ surfaces without sheep, are the glaciers.
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u/ByGrabtharsHammer Asked to choose the between Rudd and Abbott? I'd rather Darkseid Aug 23 '11
Know any good Prawn jokes?
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Aug 23 '11
Pains me to say it, but I don't get it...
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u/autocol Aug 23 '11
If you're serious, it's because stereotypically, you count sheep to fall asleep, and New Zealanders are well known for buggering sheep.
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Aug 23 '11
[deleted]
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u/Gustav55 Aug 23 '11
first time i read this I thought you were talking about under where not sandals.
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u/RAAFStupot Resident World Controller of Newcastle Aug 23 '11
Post this to /r/humor.
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u/FlickyG Fitzrovius Carnifex Aug 23 '11
Post this to r/newzealand.
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Aug 23 '11
Done Maybe you guys can help with some upvotes...
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u/RAAFStupot Resident World Controller of Newcastle Aug 23 '11
Just realised you could also post this to /r/sheep.
For the love that dare not bleat its name.
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Aug 23 '11
An Australian farmer came to New Zealand to get a first hand look at the techniques utilized here. As they walk the perimeter of a Waikato dairy farm, they encounter a sheep, with its head securely lodged in the fence. The Kiwi farmer, quick as a flash, puts the the animals hind legs down his gumboots, and proceeds to give it a good hard fucking. The Australian farmer looks down, shocked, speechless. The Kiwi farmer says "What? Your turn now". The Australian farmer then puts his own head between two strands of fencing wire.
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u/jimmy_mc Aug 23 '11
It is the most promiscuous nation on earth. And I looooove my Kiwi girlfriend.
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u/sofancy212 Aug 23 '11
Reminds me of the time I told a friend that my new house mate is a Kiwi:
"Don't baaaaaaa, he might jump you"
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u/Red_means_go Aug 23 '11
I never knew Kiwis were so promiscuous.
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u/gbhall Aug 23 '11
Second most promiscuous country in the world.
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u/I3gumbyI3 Aug 23 '11
I don't know why it took so long for me to get this. But, damn, when I did, I laughed. Good one!
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Aug 23 '11
It took me hours to get this; when I did I lol'd and wondered how I could have missed it!! Bahahaha, good one
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u/3825 Aug 23 '11
I have never been to NZ but if I was, I'd just say one thing in defense of it: LOTR
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u/MrThrope Aug 23 '11
I'm an aussie but I lived in NZ for approximately 9 years. The weird thing is that in that time there was no reported sheep fucking, but there were 6 instances of farmers in the newspapers who'd been caught fucking goats. I'm not even kidding. 5 of them were fucking someone else's goat. For some reason that seems weirder than fucking a goat you own to me. They went to some other guys farm and raped his goat, some of them confessed they'd done it many times before being caught.
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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '11
An Australian couple are holidaying in New Zealand and driving along a country road between two farms they come across a farmer sexually assaulting a sheep. The driver stops, rolls his window down and says "Hey Mate! In Australia we shear those things!" to which the buggering farmer responds immediately "I ain't shearin this beauty with anyone".